Image Credit: Betches

Ya, It’s Cheesy, But We Made A 'RHONY' Charcuterie Board Anyway

The Real Housewives of New York reboot premiered and the cast is as perfectly paired as a Cipriani charcuterie (though we’re sure C*tch would do a fine job).  

It’s a gorgeous mix, and they’re giving us “Cheese-gate” right out of the, well, gate. Erin confronts Brynn about lying to Sai about getting the ick from her cheeseboard. This is all happening over fondue. But not just any fondue. Jenna Lyons’ fondue. 

Then, over tall, slender smoky candles and sultry Swiss, Jenna Lyons mouths two of the sexiest words we have ever heard strung together: “cheese tension.”

Now cheese is all we can think about, which begs the question: If the new The Real Housewives of New York were a charcuterie board, which cheeses would they be? 

Forget “Turtle Time,” it’s “Muenster Moment.”

Ubah Hassan – Brie

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Rich and creamy, she’s the go-to on a platter of chaos. No one has a problem with her… yet. 

Bryn Whitfield – Muenster

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Semi-soft, slightly nutty. She makes you melt enough to reveal all your secrets, but hardens you up QUICK by telling all your secrets. You’ll never make that mistake again.  

Jessel Taank – Asiago 

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This cheese can be mild, or it can have a bite. You may not know what to expect every time you put it on a cracker. But she knows what she wants, and that is for her mom to cook dinner and husband to take his WFH elsewhere… she has Cheese-gate to discuss!

Jessel Taank’s Husband – Feta  

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Mild. Crumbles to the demands of Jessel.

Jessel Taank’s Mom – Gruyere

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Firm cheese. This woman’s skin is taught! 

Sai De Silva – Pepper Jack

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A versatile cheese. It pairs well with most wines and other fromages and other people, okay? Like, she loves cheese, she never said she hated cheese, she loves all of her cheese sponsors like OMFG, lay off.

Sai De Silva’s Husband – Aged, Wrapped Cheddar  

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Shielded and retired. 

Erin Dana Lichy – Sharp Cheddar

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No matter how you slice her, she’s sharp, straight to the point and knows a guy who could have done it better if you’d only had asked her. She’s got plenty of cheddar where that came from, too, in the fridge and the bank. 

Jenna Lyons – Manchego 

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Similar to her favorite shade of khaki, this cheese and fashion designer want the same things: to be taken out of the fridge about 30 minutes before serving, shed of their rind, sliced into ½ cm triangles and then wrapped in parchment paper.

Jenna Lyons’ Dog, Popeye – Gouda

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Popeye the chihuahua is the bestest gouda boi mommy Jenna has ever seen.

C*tch – Burrata 

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Burrata with heirloom tomatoes and truffle shavings similar to that of Cipriani… BUT BETTER, OKAY?

Megan Broussard
Megan Broussard
Megan Broussard is a writer and producer in New York City with work in The New Yorker, Marie Claire, New York Magazine’s The Cut, Slate, McSweeney's, Reductress, and more. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @megsbroussard.