Buckle the fuck up, because you’re in for a real treat as we get to know the new cast of The Bachelorette. Sure, producers have cast Rachel as the no-nonsense, looking-for-a-husband type girl, but some of the clowns they picked out for her even make Pinocchio’s pervy older brother Nick Viall look like prince charming, and we all know how much I hate Nick Viall.
The hair gel and testosterone are palpable in this group of gents. But will we find a man who brings the drama and deli meats like The Chad? Will we see another bromance form like that of Clint and JJ? Only time will tell. In the iconic words of Andre 3000, don’t have me break down this thing for nothin’.
A 27-year-old real estate agent, Adam seems like every guy you’ve ever met in a college bar. Like, he’s cute if you’re drunk, but once he starts talking you’ll probably lose your lady boner. He said the best gift he’s ever received was a threesome for his birthday. Classy! His favorite movie is Transformers and if he’s not home on the couch, he’s out at tacos with his friends. Is Adam the basic bitch version of a guy who masturbates way too much to the thought of that one time when he had a threesome? Oh, most definitely.
Alex has kind eyes, but you’ll think they’re serial killer eyes once you find out he once ate a live salamander whole. What kind of a twisted Matilda-ass weirdo does that?! For all we know, it wasn’t even a dare. He just thought it looked good and ate it out of a buddy’s fish tank. Alex is the guy you don’t leave alone at a party for fear he’ll dismember and torture all of your pets. He also said his favorite artist is The Rock. And in case you’re like “Well maybe he meant Kid Rock,” no. He specifically wrote “The Rock (Dwayne Johnson”. I’m pretty sure Alex is as dumb as a rock and just really missed the point of that question.
Anthony looks like what happened if the cartoon Little Bill grew up and came to life. I’m not even playin’ with y’all. Google that shit and it’ll blow your mind. Anyway, I actually think Anthony and Rachel might have a connection because he had a mindful answer to the question, “What is your favorite book”. (His answer was he most recent is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami. It’s like a dream I don’t want to wake up from,” in case you were wondering.) Rachel is a lawyer so she probably likes books, right? I mean, he didn’t even pick something off a high school reading list. I’ve never even heard of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, which Anthony could have just picked to sound smart while knowing no one else has read it so they can’t quiz him on it.
An aspiring drummer, Blake E.? Really? Like, you either can play the drums or you can’t. It’s not really something you aspire to. Blake brings up not once, but twice in this questionnaire that he was engaged before. Even though he claims the engagement only lasted 48 hours, I think Blake E. has some insane emotional baggage that will definitely come up after too many pre-rose ceremony cocktails. He also refers to the girl he got engaged to as “crazy”… yet he still tried to marry her. Who’s the crazy one really, Blake E? Minus points for looking like a Robby from JoJo’s season knoc-off.
When I tried to click the link to get the bio for Blake K., it just rerouted me to Blake E.’s page. Is the universe trying to tell us who is the superior of the Blakes?! Maybe. We know Blake K. is 29 and a Marine veteran. Like, it’s un-American to talk shit on a vet so we’ll just say four for you Blake K. You go Blake K. I wonder if the producers put Blake K. on here to avenge Luke’s memory. That’s how it works with army vets, right?
With a name like Brady, he has to be a male model and also a fuckboy. As Shania Twain would say: So you’ve got the looks, but have you got the touch? He says he’s 29 but he looks like he’s 19. Is this one of those things where a website says you have to be 18 to enter but you just add 10 years to your own age and beat the system? I think Brady just snuck on the show to benefit his modeling career. Call us when you can grow pubes, Brady.
There are few things I hate more in life than a superfluous Y in the middle of a name that should obviously be spelled a different way. Enter Bryan with a Y. He’s 37 and a chiropractor, so his age and his actual job title are pretty good signs he’s “here for the right reasons”. His favorite show is SportsCenter, so we know he’s a guys guy and will probably be popular in the house because he’s not too weird and his basic-ness will be unthreatening to others. Keep your eyes out for Bryan with a Y.
Fuckin’ A, Bryce. You’re not supposed to give yourself away before episode 1 even airs. Let me just ctrl-V Bryce’s dumbass response to a question for you right here: “If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why?” He wrote: “Professional Instagrammer? How cool would it be to travel the world going on adventures and helping people solely funded through pictures you post of living your dream life!” Goddamnit. Go home, Bryce. Everyone knows thats why most people are here, you’re just not supposed to say it. Thanks for putting that tear in the Matrix, you asshole.
Let me just tell you this right now, Dean is not here for a serious relationship. No 26-year-old in their right mind wants to settle down right now. He also has a tattoo on his inner lip—does that scream husband material to you? Of course it fucking doesn’t. He straight says he thinks marriage is an institutionalized sham. Great start, bud. Also, his favorite memory as a kid is sitting on the roof of his mobile home while eating Oreos and watching a demolition derby. I can’t tell if he’s being serious or just describing a scene that was cut from Talladega Nights.
I’m calling it right now, I think DeMario might have a good run on the show as long as he can keep his show-boating to a minimum. He doesn’t say anything in his bio that would make you think he sleeps in his jeans or would eat a live animal—I’m looking at you, Alex. He does drop some decent references, like to Justin and Britney’s matching denim outfits and how Bey and Jay Z are an iconic couple. DeMario, you can sit with us.
A personal trainer, Eric will be the first guy shirtless at every opportunity. If someone even mentions the words “pool” or “hot tub” or even “water,” Eric’s shirt magically disappears from his body. He says his favorite drink is “green drink”. WTF. Someone actually enjoys that shit? Eric is probs a psychopath and definitely on the road to being Chad’s second act. Probability of Eric finding his way on to Bachelor in Paradise after Rachel drops him: 100%.
Fred was Carlton’s stand-in on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Ok, you got me. He totally wasn’t, but let’s be real, he totally looks like he could have been. This guy wears cardigans and is pretentious as shit. Oh your favorite artist is Jean-Michel Basquiat? You and every millennial/rapper/person who pays attention to pop culture. Fred will be this season’s Olivia/Kelsey Poe/Taylor. If we learned anything from past seasons, it’s that being a pretentious asshole does not score you the final rose.
I was going to say Grant was weird looking, but then I found out he’s a doctor and all is forgiven. Grant said his most embarrassing moment was having to shit into a soda bottle on the back of a bus when he got the runs in Peru. (I’m sorry for laughing at you that time you got diarrhea in Peru. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.) He also said he favorite magazine is Playboy, so I guess we now know Grant is a time-traveler from somewhere they didn’t have the internet. Upgrade your porn game, man.
Iggy is 5’11” so as far as heights go, he’s borderline undateable. Let’s be real, Rachel belongs to the 6-foot and over club. Iggy says his three best and three worst qualities are the same things. WTF is that about? You legit couldn’t think of three different qualities? C’mon, man. You had to know the internet would roast you for all of your answers. Fun fact, one time Iggy got a boner before a work presentation and had to give it sitting down. Noice.
Oh my god, I’ve already had it with this guy. You don’t get two first names, especially when one of them is an inanimate object. What, the name “Dick Danger” was already taken? Get outta my face with that shit, man. Apparently Mr. Jack Stone is a lawyer. I’m praying that he’s a creepy personal injury attorney and has an ad that runs on local TV stations. He also plead the fifth on the wildest thing he’s done in the bedroom, so my guess is it’s actually not that wild.
You’ve got a girl’s name, but I’d still hit it. I think Jamey might be a little simple or maybe he’s just a hard nut to crack, because his bio responses leave a lot to be desired. He does say he doesn’t have female friends. Can you not be friends with girls because they all end up wanting to sleep with you or are you just kind of a misogynist? Whatever, man. Oh shit, you’re only 5’9″? #dealbreaker.
I think Jedidiah is one of those Amish people taking a break from Amish life to see what American culture is all about. Wasn’t there a TLC show already about you? Jedidiah also happens to be an emergency room doctor, but we know something must be seriously wrong if doctors these days are having a hard time finding a wife. (Perhaps it’s because of his eyebrows?) Jed seems well-traveled and doesn’t like to see kids in his emergency room. Dude, where are all these nice single doctors coming from? I’m not above faking an illness to meet one.
AHH. Jonathan is your friend’s weird older brother who you awkwardly go to prom with when he’s a senior and you’re a freshman because he’s significantly creeped out all the girls in his own class. That’s just my initial vibe. I could be wrong though. Wait, no. His occupation is “Tickle Monster” so I definitely hit the nail on the head with that first impression. Somewhere out there, Evan breathed a sigh of relief since he’s no longer the most creepy-sounding guy in Bachelorette history. What’s interesting about Jonathan, though, is that HE WAS MARRIED. Who knows what kind of creepy baggage this dude has. Also, how was this dude married and I can’t even get a text back?? What is wrong with the world?
Josiah is also an attorney who happens to have a Bible quote tattoo. I think Rachel’s parents would really like this guy, but she’s totally going to friend-zone him and say it’s because they don’t have a connection i.e. she doesn’t want to put his penis in her mouth. Josiah’s worst date memory was when he was catfished on a date by a girl who showed up pregnant. Oh, are you, like, supposed to mention you’re knocked up with some other dude’s baby while swiping for D on Tinder? News to me.
Is it Kenneth or is it Diggy? Either way, I can “dig” it! LOL. I crack myself up. Diggy sports Warby Parker glasses to his job where he’s a senior inventory analyst. Those words strung together don’t even mean anything, but I guess that seems like an actual occupation. Diggy once pretended to be asleep when his one night stand got a text saying her brother was missing so he didn’t have to help her look for him. That’s a power move, as well as completely savage. I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t do that exact same thing.
Kenny says he’s a professional wrestler, but I’ve never seen him in an episode of Total Divas, so I’m pretty sure he’s making that up. Kenny also has a daughter that he’s leaving at home so he can try to bang a lady on TV whom 24 other dudes are also trying to bang. Father of the Year over here. Seriously though, guys, I’m searching Google so hard for this guy’s wresting videos and not coming up with anything so it might be a hoax. That or he’s on page two of a Google search, which is basically social suicide.
Kyle doesn’t know what gluten is, but he assumes it’s bad and orders gluten free items off a menu if they’re offered. But if they’re not offered I guess he just eats breadsticks and pasta, probably. Kyle’s ex was also into BDSM so he dabbled as dom. AKA he and his gf at the time went to see 50 Shades of Grey and went out and bought a vibrator that they used once, and there may have been some light spanking involved.
A singer-songwriter from Nashville, Lee calls his grandma his “Mawmaw”. He also admires Matthew McConaughey, loves Gone With The Wind, likes dive bars and has a horseshoe tattoo on his arm. In case you were wondering, yes, Lee is the most southern person to ever come from the south. In fact, he pisses sweet tea and sweats Cracker Barrel gravy. Will he be a good match for Rachel? Probably not, but you can bet your ass his EP will drop shortly after he leaves the show.
Lucas claims to be a “Whaboom”. What the literal fuck. I don’t even know what it means. No one knows what it means but it’s provocati—wait, no it’s not. It’s just weird. Moving on from that bizarre piece of information that makes no sense to anyone, Lucas also doesn’t understand how being transgendered works. He said he wants to have lunch with a dead Bruce Jenner and an alive Caitlyn Jenner. That doesn’t even make sense on any level. Someone needs to explain to Lucas that Bruce Jenner isn’t dead. The game was basically over for this guy before it started, wasn’t it?
As a construction sales rep, there isn’t a ton to make fun on in Matt’s bio. He’s sort of balding, but so are a lot of guys at 32 so we can’t totally fault him for that. After he gets that Instagram money rolling in I’m sure he’ll be able to afford Bosley or whatever. Matt likes his parents and hopes to be a volunteer coach in the future. That’s sweet. His normalcy will probably work against him on this show. I don’t want to see two normal people falling in love. I want drama. I want drunken fights. I want freak-outs. I just don’t see Matt being in the middle of any of that.
A former professional basketball player? OK man, no one cares how much you used to bench. Do you have a job now or what? Wait, I guess looking for a career is probably why you’re on this show in the fist place. Silly me for believing in true love on TV. Michael follows a paleo diet because nothing screams dateable like a guy with weird diet restrictions. That’s only okay when I do it.
How are Milton and Kyle not the same person? Seriously. All these dudes are starting to look the same to me. Was the Henley Factory having a sale? Milton also proves that no one is trying anymore, including and especially these show producers. To the question, “What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?” Milton says: “Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.” I’m out. I’m done.
Did you mean Mo-hit that? I see you, cutie. Mohit says the wildest thing he’s done in the bedroom involves tabasco and that’s so concerning to me in so many ways—none of which sound remotely pleasurable. You a freak, man. Mohit also says his favorite music is rap and country. Not gonna lie, I was not expecting that to be his answer, but who knows what to expect from a dude who most likely put Sriracha near his dong.
Peter says he’s a business owner. Then again, Corinne also said she was a business owner and that was just because her dad let her sit in his computer chair sometimes. Peter has competed in three Iron Mans (Iron Men?), so we know he’s got stamina. Wink wink. Homeboy was also almost engaged. He broke it off with his ex of two years. 110% chance she comes up in discussion during some one-on-one time with Rachel.
A 30-year-old law student from Texas, Rob needs to get his shit together. If you’re 30 and still haven’t passed the Bar, WTF have you been doing? Is this secretly Craig from Southern Charm? Rob is a white dude that’s into Buddha, do I really need to say more? Do we think his Tinder profile includes something about loving travel and adventure? Oh, I’d put money on that.
Last alphabetically, but probably not least (compared to some of the other gems on this list), Will is a sales manager from Miami. Speaking of Miami, Will is a fan of Will Smith. This Will can welcome me to Miami any day of the week, nahmean? Will says he’s a romantic, and when he finds someone worthy, he’ll treat her like a princess. Worthy of what, Will? Your Star Wars obsession? Also, not every girl likes the princess comparison. We all know it’s about being a kween these days.
Good god, Rachel. Good fucking luck with these goobers. For real.