Sad news for those of us who consider ourselves princesses in training: Prince Harry, aka the world’s most eligible bachelor and an actual hot redhead, is no longer eligible. Monday morning, the royals announced that Harry is officially engaged to actress Meghan Markle, and that their insane fancy wedding spectacular will take place sometime in the spring.
Pour one out for all the girls who signed up for study abroad in England this year in hopes of rom-com-ing their way into princesshood. Now I guess you’ll have to settle for a Duke or something. Lame.
In honor of Meghan marrying a prince and doing the one thing every woman has been taught by the patriarchy Disney should be their ultimate goal in life, here is a timeline of how tf she did it. Take notes, ladies, this is How To Marry A Prince In 365 Days, translated into normal relationship terms for the peasants:
July 2016 – Harry and Meghan meet through a mutual friend. Considering that’s all the info the royals have given on their meeting (rude), I’m going to make shit up speculate wildly that she and the prince had a meet-cute while he was moonlighting as a commoner in order to get fucked up enjoy a low-key night with the peasants. Meghan came to Harry’s rescue when he almost blew his cover by not knowing what a body shot was (he thought it was a type of jewel). After the two shared a beer bong (or seven), he revealed his true identity to her, and it was love at first drunken makeout.
Normal relationship translation – You go to a friend’s bday party and she out of nowhere introduces you to this random ginger she’s known since college. You immediately table text her that you’re pissed she would hide such a hot ginger from you, and make it your mission to slide into his DMs by the end of the night.
November 2016 – The Royal Kensington Palace releases a public statement in which Markle is referred to as Harry’s girlfriend. The statement is basically a clapback at what they called a “wave of abuse and harassment” that Markle had faced since rumors started flying that she was dating the Prince. The statement said “Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed he has not been able to protect her,” and that “It is not right that a few months into a relationship with him that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm.”
Normal relationship translation – Him telling his ex to back the fuck off after you wake up one morning and find she’s followed you on all social media and started passive-aggressively liking all of your pics.
Dec. 2016 – Meghan and Harry are photographed in public shopping for a Christmas tree at the Pines and Needles store in London, which is like, basically an engagement in and of itself. I mean, the prince doesn’t just shop for Christmas trees with anybody. (Also—don’t you have people to do that shit for you? I know Harry’s not the heir to the throne, but damn…)
Normal relationship translation – The two of you appear in your first tagged photo together. Your bestie comments a side-eye emoji, he comments “lol”.
Still Dec. 2016 – The two were spotted seeing the play The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time on London’s West End, which is just like, another one of the benefits of dating a Prince. He takes you to see hit plays on your second date, and not just like, treats you to a Groupon for a dinner that you end up having to chip in for, because he didn’t read the fine print and it actually doesn’t cover drinks.
Normal relationship translation – See above.
Also In Dec. 2016 – Harry makes a v casual 1,700 mile detour from his tour of the Caribbean to chill with Markle in Toronto.
Normal relationship translation – This is kind of like when a fuckboy stops by to hook up before he heads over to his job a Taco Bell, except it’s not like that at all and I have to stop dating guys who work at Taco Bell.
May 2017 – Fast forward like, many months and Meghan and Harry are finally ready to make it official-official, which in royalty terms means “attending their first public event together.” The two attended Pippa Middleton’s wedding together. As far as relationship terms go, attending a wedding is a BFD, and considering this wedding was like, the literal future queen’s sister and not just like, his friend from high school, it’s safe to say things were getting pretty serious.
Normal relationship translation – You go with him to his high school friend’s wedding and the two of you pose for your first official Insta together. You caption it “He puts up with me,” or something along those lines so people know you two are together and having fun.
September 6, 2017 – Meghan calls Harry her boyfriend numerous times in an article in Vanity Fair, and says they’re “two people who are very happy and in love.”
Normal relationship translation – You post a sappy status for his birthday saying how he makes you happy and shit. All your friends like it but shade you behind your back.
September 23, 2017 – The pair made their first “public appearance,” which is apparently different than “attending their first public event” (royals are so extra), at the opening of the international Invictus Games in Toronto.
Normal relationship translation – The Invictus games are kind of like, Harry’s thing, so in normal relationship terms this is basically like him inviting you to participate in his fantasy league. Once that happens, you know a ring is on the way.
November 27, 2017 – In a statement entitled “His Royal Highness Prince Henry Of Wales And Ms. Meghan Markle Are Engaged To Be Married,” the couple announced their engagement. The statement said the wedding will take place in Spring of 2018, and that the couple will live in Nottingham Cottage at Kensington Palace.
Normal relationship translation – You post a staged photo of him proposing and a close-up pic of your ring to Insta with #isaidyes! Then you quietly go ask your parents if its okay if the two of you move into their basement to save money for the wedding, which you say will take place in spring but probably won’t happen until next winter because you’re like, poor busy and shit.
