It’s been a very busy few months for the former and current cast of the newly invigorated Vanderpump Rules. Ariana has (rightfully) cashed IN on the ultimate betrayal by making headlines, garnering a zillion endorsement deals, and bagging a Dancing with the Stars casting. Unfortunately for us, Sandoval, much like death, taxes, and Cher, will always be around. The narcissist has also been all over our screens and on stages, much to our dismay. But they haven’t been the only ones. Jax, Schwartz, Kristen are taking their moments in the sun, and even Lisa is soon debuting a new show about her French chateau. The lady of Villa Rosa herself will always be top dog, but who else came out on top this summer? Peep my highly scientific ranking below.
Ariana Madix
Queen of all our hearts Ariana Madix clearly won the Breakup Olympics. She spent her summer making a guest appearance on her fave show ever Love Island and got a coveted spot on Dancing with the Stars with supes hot partner Pasha Pashkov (and had super-super hot new bf Daniel Wei front row on her debut night). The most recent dunk on old Sandy? Her nod to her sexy VPR reunion dress while tango-ing to Hailee Steinfeld’s breakup anthem, “Love Myself.” Boo-ya, Sandoval!
Embarrassment Ranking: Embarrassment free! Slay, Ariana, slay!
Tom Schwartz
Schwartz, you beautiful, sweet dumb-dumb, you. Though I will admit he was unfairly maligned on his Stars on Mars stint (he was regularly voted in the bottom three despite performing pretty well in challenges), he also didn’t really add much to the table. Without the intense drama that the VPR cast brings, Katie to pine over, or Fireball shots to consume, Schwartzie-poo kinda bored me on this FOX reality series. However, Schwartz maintains a fairly high rating as there are worse offenses committed on this list — and at least he got to meet Tinashe!
Embarrassment ranking: You had a piece of food on your face all day and no one told you.
Jax Taylor
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The once Number One Guy in the group is now a fledgling VPR cast member/kinda alum. Jax does get points for nabbing his own Vanderpump spin-off, which I will be hate-watching, and also owning his very much earned title as a reality TV villain titan. On E!’s House of Villains, premiering October 12, Jax will compete against fellow reality royalty like Jonny Fairplay of Survivor, absolute icon Tiffany “New York” Pollard from The Flavor of Love, and evil incarnate Johnny Bananas from The Challenge. Not placing any bets on him taking the title though, as quite literally every other person in said house is smarter than him.
Embarrassment ranking: You just passed a note talking shit about your Bio teacher and she intercepted it and is about to read in front of the class.
Kristen Doute
Doute continues to worm her way back into the spotlight with a foray into the competition reality universe. Sadly, her upcoming stint on Freevee’s The GOAT kinda just reads like the Shein version of House of Villains. Hosted by Daniel Tosh (the Shein version of Joel McHale), the series throws 14 reality stars into a house where they will “face a series of mental, physical, and social challenges.” I don’t know what that means, but okay, sure. OG RHONY Housewife Jill Zarin and Reza from Shahs of Sunset will be there, so I’m seated! For scraping the bottom of the reality TV bucket, Kristen comes in at second to last.
Embarrassment ranking: That time you got diarrhea in the pool at summer camp.
Tom Sandoval
It’s no surprise this sentient jack-in-the-box comes in dead last, obvs. From gracing the stage of The Masked Singer with his musical “stylings” and getting eliminated on week three, to deciding to essentially get his ass beat on Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test there’s plenty of material here to work with. I truly think he saw the Special Forces gig as yet another opportunity to take his shirt off and fake cry. Goody, just what I wanted more of. Further, my household considers The Masked Singer prestige television so to have my sacred space infiltrated by public enemy #1 felt like an invasion of privacy! Lucky for us (and our ears) he was recently revealed and ousted as “The Diver.” Be gone, Sandy!
Embarrassment ranking: You sharted during sex.
