As a born and raised Angeleno, I can confidently say that while I love this town, some things in our city just straight-up suck. There’s no denying it. So with that in mind, I figured it’s time for a roundup of the places in Los Angeles I would take my arch nemesis to. Someone’s gotta do it, right?
Warning: controversial, niche LA opinions ahead.
A good way to make your enemy suffer is by forcing them to interact with two hundred 18-year olds in matching white tank tops and high waisted jeans milling around a faux living room. This was the spot to be when all I had to work with was a fake ID but these days, you couldn’t get me into Bungalow with a gun to my head. Real estate bros and #corporategirls as far as the eye can see.
Melrose Trading Post
Trick your enemy into bad outfits and credit card debt by taking them here. No one, and I mean no one, can afford the Trading Post, also known as the Melrose Flea Market. I’ve seen old Hanes T-shirts go for $200. Unfortunately all of the best vintage shopping is on the outskirts of LA but if you’re serious about wanting good clothing—and not just an IG pic—you’ll need to make a drive.
This is the perfect place to take someone you hate because you won’t be able to hear a single word they say. I’m young but the sheer decibel of Elephante makes me feel like a Golden Girl. The food is just fine, the wait time is abysmal, and you’re bound to be seated next to someone on a really bad first date.
Grand Central Market
The meanest way to make someone “experience” LA is by taking them to a spot where 469 miles of culinary culture is reduced to a couple of corporate food stalls. I get it, the city is sprawling and you wanna try a lot of things all at once—but that’s boring! If you want to eat Broad Street Oyster Co, go to Malibu. Everything tastes better in Malibu, anyway. GCM is also guilty of hosting one of LA’s most overrated spots—Eggslut. To top it off, the parking situation is a nightmare.
Hollywood Sign Hike
By the end of this dusty, three mile hike to meh views, your enemy will be so sweaty and fed up they’ll be unable to talk. Perfect! And whatever selfie they take with the sign is gonna look so basic. Leave them at the top of the hill and go do Griffith Park instead.
Look me in the eye and swear you will only ever send someone you despise to a Revolve pop-up. You are better than Revolve. They make bad quality clothes at eye-watering mark-ups and then try to sell it back to you as some kind of “Clean Girl Aesthetic.” These pop-ups only happen occasionally, but if your enemy is in town during one of them, it’s a surefire way to spoil their afternoon, so take your pick.
If I wanted someone I hate to suffer actual, physical pain, I’d take them to Forma. It’s the hardest workout in LA. I left the one class my friend kindly guest-passed me into and then promptly collapsed at the Melrose Farmers’ Market. Go at your own risk.
There’s no place in LA that says “I hate you and didn’t want to put effort into planning an interesting day together” quite like the Grove. The Grove is the most nondescript location in LA. Imagine your enemy flew five hours across the country and had to ford the current weird LAX rideshare system, only for you to take them to a boring and generic shopping mall. It’s downright diabolical. And in this household, we hate Grove owner Rick Caruso. In the interest of fairness, though, I will say they have a worthy AMC. But that’s all!
Courage Bagels at 10 AM on a Saturday
Put your enemy through a new circle of hell by forcing them to wait in line for an hour to get a bagel when they’re already hungover. But take your BFF to Courage at 8AM on a Tuesday for some great bagels.
Dirty Laundry at 10 PM on a Saturday
If someone has truly done you wrong, I can’t think of a better way to punish them than dragging them down to Dirty Laundry. This bar has everything: no AC system, nauseating drinks, and exclusively sticky surfaces. Last time I was here I walked in the door, looked around, and walked right back out.
As for all the places I’d take someone I love in Los Angeles? Well, I’m gonna gatekeep the hell out of that. We’ve gotta have a few secrets, right?
Featured image courtesy of Rafal Maciejski/Pexels.