A No-Bullshit Translation Of Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan Tatum's Breakup Statement

On Monday evening, Jenna Dewan Tatum broke both the internet and our hearts with some tragic news: she and Channing Tatum are separating. It’s a big loss. Their fairytale romance started on the set of Step Up back in 2006. Channing was Tyler, the sexy bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, and Jenna was Nora, the beautiful dancer who was definitely a virgin. Their chemistry was obviously amazing, and the movie was a lovely example of what can happen when gentrification dance comes into your life.

After finishing Step Up, things seemed perfect. Channing Tatum went on to become one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and Jenna Dewan Tatum appeared in some TV shows here and there. They got married in 2009, and had a daughter, Everly, in 2013. They’ve always been pretty open about showing their love for each other, which makes it even more shocking that they’re splitting up. They announced the news in a typed letter that they both posted to Instagram but, let’s be honest, it sounds like something Siri could have written. Not only was the content of the statement lame AF, but it was also on a bizarre purple and yellow gradient background that looks like an invitation to your Grandma’s annual Easter egg hunt.

It’s okay not to air all your dirty laundry for the public to see, but that doesn’t mean we can’t read between the lines and of this situation.

Hey world! – Um, how do we do this? Like, we want to get people’s attention but we don’t want to sound too excited. Hey world! Yeah, I guess that works.

It feels odd that we have to share this kind of thing with everyone – We really don’t want to be fucking posting about this, but if we don’t then sites like Betches will probably just speculate about our relationship…oh wait.

It’s a consequence of the lives we’ve chosen to lead, which we also happen to be deeply grateful for – Ugh why did we have to get famous this is so annoying but also we love all our fans please don’t think we’re not grateful!!

It’s also a time where truth can easily get distorted into “alternative facts” 😉 – Ooh yeah, do a Trump joke, that’ll get ’em on our side! Ha ha ha this is so awkward, fuck.

We have lovingly chosen to separate as a couple – We cannot stand being in the same room as each other for more than five minutes.

We fell deeply in love so many years ago and have had a magical journey together – Step Up was fun and all but it’s been like 12 years and we are so damn tired.

Absolutely nothing has changed about how much we love one another, but love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now – Everything has changed about how much we love one another and this shit is not fun anymore right now. Again, we cannot stand being in the same room.

There are no secrets nor salacious events at the root of our decision – We’re not like, getting bad divorced. It’s good divorced. Like, cool divorced.

Just two best-friends realizing it’s time to take some space and help each other live the most joyous, fulfilled lives as possible – Fuck, is “best friends” supposed to have a hyphen? Jenna, I need your help, I dropped out of college. Oh, and also, if I have to do the “Pony” dance routine for you one more fucking time, I’m gonna scream.

We are still a family and will always be loving dedicated parents to Everly – Our daughter will be fine and we can afford all the nannies and therapy we could ever possibly need.

We won’t be commenting beyond this, and we thank you all in advance for respecting our family’s privacy – We’re not like, gonna have to talk about this, right? Let’s just say this and hope no one asks us anything.

Sending lots of love to everyone – God this is shitty. These leeches better stay the fuck away from us.

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.