Yesterday the FBI reenacted an episode of MTV’s Room Raiders but instead of a exposing a boy with bleached tip’s dirty mattress, they went after Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen and tax documents. With the news as insane as it is, it’s easy to be like who tf is Michael Cohen. Here’s a breakdown of who he is, why he’s in trouble, why Trump’s freaking out, and if he’s cute (lol he’s not.)
Who TF Is Michael Cohen?
Michael Cohen is a longtime friend, ally, and lawyer of Donald Trump. He looks like a boring dad from a lesser known frat. When he was an executive at the Trump Organization people called him the “pit bull,” (not to be confused with Pitbull). In 2011, Cohen explained the nickname to ABC. “It means that if somebody does something Mr. Trump doesn’t like, I do everything in my power to resolve it to Mr. Trump’s benefit, if you do something wrong, I’m going to come at you, grab you by the neck, and I’m not going to let you go until I’m finished.”
Now, I didn’t go to law school but that sounds like intimidation, which is illegal? Anyways, it doesn’t matter if that is illegal because there are other issues that definitely are illegal that he’s currently in hot water for.
Wtf Did He Do?
If you thought you were done hearing about Stormy Daniels, the First Lady that should’ve been, you’re not in luck. Cohen admitted to paying the porn star $130,000, but claimed it was from his own money. He also wasn’t clear on why he paid her, but we got the deets thanks to that informative and educational 60 Minutes special she appeared on the other week. While it isn’t illegal for him to have paid her with his own money, if he was reimbursed by the Trump campaign or organization in any way, Cohen is in big trouble.
While yesterday’s raid was separate from the Mueller investigation, Cohen’s lawyer, Stephen Ryan, says that the raid was, in part, because of a referral from Mueller’s office. Mueller is being a messy bitch who lives for drama right now and we should all take notes on how he is expertly ruining people’s lives and office organizational systems.
The FBI confiscated documents related to Stormy Daniels, Trump’s taxes, communications with Trump, and other business records. I imagine they also had to file through lots of far away photos of Ivanka with hearts drawn around her. They also raided the hotel room Cohen had been staying in in NYC. I am pre-ordering my tickets for the inevitable movie that’s going to be made about this event. But before that happens, you’re probs wondering, if Trump mad?
Is Trump Mad?
Duh.
Wtf Is He Going To Do?
Well, so far he’s angrily tweeted like a petulant teen whose mother read through their diary. But that is par for course.
A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018
He held a press conference after the raid calling it a “real disgrace” and “attack on our country.” He also brazenly speculated if he should fire Mueller as if it were a group text with the girls and was wondering if he should break up with his boyfriend. Firing Mueller would be legitimately insane and very bad. Like, ring the alarm bad. If that happens, take off your heels, clear your calendar, get in the car, we’re going protesting.
Now What?
Honestly, now we just have to sort of wait to see what happens. But it seems like every politician on earth has their butthole clenched in anticipation. So maybe now is the time to do a face mask, take a bath, and pray that when you look at your phone twenty minutes later we have a new president.
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