Given that I consider the official start of the pandemic to be the weekend of last St. Patrick’s Day (since that was the point at which everyone I know collectively realized, sh*t okay, maybe I shouldn’t be going to the bar), we are now over one year into a global pandemic, with April officially underway. As countless brands emerge from the woodwork with fake rebrands or half-baked internet pranks to commemorate the first of April, it got me thinking: aren’t we all the real April fools? I mean, here we are, still in the thick of the first wave (since it never really subsided enough for subsequent waves) of a virus that we could have perhaps gotten under control in a few months if the majority of citizens had elected to stay at home watching Netflix and ordering delivery and put a piece of cloth over their face. Or perhaps the bigger fools were the people we became in this period of extended hibernation—the better versions of ourselves we were supposed to become. The early riser. The at-home exerciser. The person who like, might take up knitting and start an Etsy business? We all played ourselves this pandemic, but none so drastically as these people:
The Dog Parent
You thought you were suchhh geniuses, you and your partner whom you “can’t live without” (but whom you’ve only known for a year) adopting a dog since you’d both be home anyway. Sure, I bet it was great to have something to
live care for while we were all stuck inside, but have you really thought it through? I know your lifestyle, and you were no homebody before it was legally mandated. Gone are the days of brunch bleeding into happy hour, or eating inside any restaurant of your choosing, or even being able to sleep soundly through the night. Good luck with that!
Your clown name: Buster (since it could work for both a circus performer and a canine)
Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡
Two out of five clowns, because you at least got something cute to snuggle and take Instagram pictures of (minus one clown if you made a dedicated account for the dog, because the market is simply saturated). As cute as little Fluffy is now, I have a feeling you’ll be feeling like the emoji above when you return from your first in-person day at the office. Hope you don’t like your shoes!
The TV Critic
So you decided to put all this time at home to good use and finally make your way down the list of shows everyone recommended to you four years ago. Once you finally caught up on Breaking Bad, you didn’t stop there. Soon you were the one compiling itemized lists of shows for all your friends to watch and blowing through whatever true crime documentary Netflix dropped 60 seconds prior. It’s great that you found a hobby, but please keep in mind that your friends may have other interests besides constantly refreshing the “What’s New” tab in Hulu. If you’re that desperate to discuss the newest streaming show, consult Reddit and stop harassing your loved ones. Oh, and as a final aside: you’re not Malcolm Gladwell, and just because you’ve put 10,000 hours into watching TV doesn’t make you a film critic. Please save your comments about how the cinematography felt contrived for someone who cares (spoiler alert: no one).
Your clown name: Snuggles. You’re clearly doing a lot of it, what with all that time you’ve been spending on the couch.
Clown sh*t level: 🤡
At the end of the
day year, you still managed to accomplish something most of us only dreamed of.
The Perpetual Pen Pal
This person signed up for every dating app under the sun in quarantine, burning with excitement about getting to actually chat with someone before they’d extend an invitation to their couch. And chat they did—they built up a busy schedule of phone calls and FaceTime dates. The only problem? With the tide of covid never actually subsiding long enough to comfortably book an indoor reservation at a restaurant, they never went past virtual conversations.
Your clown name: Uno, because you’re getting played left and right.
Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡
You unwittingly became the reason people put “no pen pals” in their dating app profiles, with nothing to show for it except a contact list full of names like Jared Hinge and Mike Bumble and endless calendar appointments for Zoom small-talk sessions.
We get it. You haven’t tried on your jeans since March 2020. You’re afraid, and you’re also unwilling, since leggings are so comfortable. Though I can’t help but wonder what kind of pants you wear while outdoor dining, or how often you’re doing laundry, or how many pairs of leggings you own, or just how stained those leggings are. In any case, might I suggest getting over it? Not liking jeans is not a personality trait. Nobody likes jeans.
Your clown name: Wiggles, since you can’t be bothered to wiggle into bottoms with a fly these days.
Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡
You turned a very common fashion preference into a cornerstone of your being. Congratulations. Do you also hate the word moist? Maybe you should write a book about it. (Yes, this is a self-roast.)
The Fitness Enthusiast
Apparently you missed the memo that we’d be spending 12 months on our couches (stopping the spread), ordering delivery (supporting local restaurants), and drinking more (coping). Well, congratulations. We all hate you.
Clown name: Biff—seems like something a jacked person who won’t shut up about their lifting schedule would go by.
Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡
You developed a new interest, and you can’t talk about it with anyone because you’ll just look obnoxious. Enjoy the abs and spinach, though!
Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash