Remember when Kylie Jenner warned us that 2016 would be “like, the year of realizing stuff?” That was fucking accurate for many reasons. Like, think about it, we totally realized a lot of shit in 2016. We realized that people would rather vote for a racist honey baked ham than a woman. We realized that Russia is still totally not over that whole “Cold War” thing, and that emails are wayyy more scandalous than saying you want to grab a woman by the pussy on national television. We realized that celebrities, like regular humans, can die, no matter how many kickass songs they wrote while they were alive or how many Star Wars they fought in.
With 2017 only a mere two months old and showing all the signs of being a bigger, shittier verion of the previous we want—no, we NEED—more wisdom from Kylie. What will 2017 have in store? If 2016 was the year of realizing things, then what’s 2017? The year of pretending you’re asleep so you don’t have to deal with all the fucked up shit that’s happening? We need Kylie’s guidance here, and t he best way to know what she’s currently philosophizing about is by following her social media accounts. We had to embellish the captions ever so slightly to reflect her deep thoughts, but we’re confident that everything below is very valuable to humanity so please pay close attention.
Original Caption: inhale the good exhale the bad ✨
New Caption: Serenity is a bandage dress and heels.
Original Caption: In another world
New Caption: Today I touched grass for the first time. I still don’t get it.
Original Caption: on a wednesday
New Caption: Memorizing the days of the week is a great way to stay in touch with the lives of the less fortunate.
Original Caption: a little shopping never hurt
New Caption: If you buy a designer bag every day, you’ll never die.
Original Caption: Happy Thursday
New Caption: Sometimes I like to imagine what I’d look like with one eye, and that’s the true definition of empathy.
Original Caption: ☔️
New Caption: Always trust your mom’s eye when it comes to photography. Mine didn’t take this pic, but she did strangle a guy from the paparazzi with her bare hands because she knew he had a good shot.
Original Caption: to have older sisters who love to share is a blessing
New Caption: Every girl needs a practical pair of shoes that she can wear anytime, anywhere.
New Caption: Never let money change who you are.
Original Caption: how strong you stand is what makes you
New Caption: If I need a hair elastic, I always assume this pose and wait as long as it takes for someone to notice. That’s why I missed the Women’s March.
Original Caption: @490tx
New Caption: When people ask if I’m jealous of Kendall’s modeling career I usually just respond, “Kendall who?”