We left off last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation with all the couples in Atlantic City seeing Pauly D’s show. Ronnie begged everyone to allow Jen to come and they begrudgingly agreed, knowing it would end in tears (Ron’s) and disaster. Ron was v shocked when Jen got too drunk, threw a fit, and left him, aka disaster.
All of us:
All the roomies are hanging out and Ron comes in looking super disheveled.
Vin: You can tell Ron’s status by his hair.
Ron is also glued to his phone. Can’t imagine who he’s texting. Angelina comes in with Thumb Thumb and Vinny literally says, “Good morning, my love.” Like. Vin. The more you joke about it, the more obvious you are. It is super awkward.
Deena comments that Jen was supposed to bring the baby over in the morning for them to see her. She doesn’t show up and Ron leaves with his tail between his legs.
Then there is a super weird “THREE WEEKS LATER” sign. Like what? Nothing else happened? And then a bunch of v fake text messages between the roommates like, “Hey I got a shore house? Omg on the beach? Omg lit wtf dgaf lol etc wwjd.” Which means. Is. This. Show. Still. Going. On? I mean at this point we’ve followed them through like 50 houses… like what??? What? Is this my life now? I’m going to have to write about every detail of what Mike eats until I die? How is this happening?
Snooks and Jenni go visit Deena because she’s been on bedrest. Deena started bleeding which normally as a woman is the best news ever, but not when you’re already pregnant. The baby is fine but she has to be on bedrest. Good for you, Deena! Because of her circumstances, she doesn’t want to live in the shore house with everyone. So like. This is truly happening? Another house?
Snooki is asking what she missed in Atlantic City—btw, did we even know why she didn’t go? Like I’m sure they talked about it at some point, I just actually cannot remember? Snooki, this is your legacy, you can’t just bail on sh*t. Deena explains how Vinny was basically trying to f*ck both Angelina and Thumb Thumb and how they all kept dancing as an awkward Angelina sandwich.
Deena: It was a dirty Staten Island sandwich.
Jenni: Vinny and Angelina are going to do sex in the next shore house, but I just don’t know if Chris is gonna be there watching or participating.
Either way, ew.
Deena doesn’t know if Vinny would have sex with her, but it seems like he will (duh).
Jenni: He will to prove a point. Vinny’s penis is six degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Deena and Snooki: Um what?
Um, I don’t get it either? Am I dumb for not getting it or is Jenni dumb and I’m smart for not getting it? Is this show making me dumber? I can’t watch so many hours of Jersey Shore without side effects, guys!
Jenni: It means that no matter where you go in this world, Vinny’s [bleep] was part of it.
Snooki: What does that have to do with Kevin Bacon?
Angelina tells Chris she’s going to another shore house with the roommates. Like if I were him, I’d be pissed, like b*tch, are you ever home? Angelina starts talking about how great Vinny and Chris got along and Chris is like yeah, whatever, change the subject.
Angelina (in her interview): I’m jealous of Chris and Vinny’s relationship, like he comes in out of nowhere and has a great relationship with Vinny.
I hope they watch all this back together and see how uncomfortable they’ve made me with this Vinny sh*t. Chris tells Ang that Vinny kept asking why Chris likes her, and Ang is like, “omg, so are you saying he loves me????? I don’t blame him for loving me.” Chris then gets pissed because he asked her to change the subject and yet she brought it back to Vinny again. Chris, you Thumb Thumb you, it’s almost like you’re catching on.
Snooki is in charge of finding a shore house so naturally she found one on Craigslist.
Snooki: I’m like very responsible, I have two kids and they’re still alive.
She’s talking to Ron on her car bluetooth about how she hopes it’s not the house from The Shining. You know, the Overlook Hotel. Which is a hotel, not a house. Up in the mountains. In the wilderness. And fictional. She hopes not to find it at the beach in Jersey. Then she hangs up on Ron and is like, “Ron is the guy from The Shining.”
Tbh, I can see it.
Snooki arrives at the house, which is huge, bragging about how she found it… and interestingly enough, it’s already outfitted with their weird camp style bedroom layouts and filming equipment. What a convenience! But then Snooki realizes there is no beach in the backyard. I feel like this problem could have been avoided by just looking at the house on Google maps?
How do you have a shore house with no shore? I’m gonna go ahead and call what happened. None of the actual shore houses were nice enough for these now-rich assholes so they have to drive out to find something super far from the actual shore. I miss the good old days.
Ron is the first to arrive, and he and Snooki take about 20 minutes to set the clock on the oven. Snooki somehow relates it to when she was in college (?) and Ron asks the question on all our minds: “You went to college?!” The American education system at its best right here. I don’t even f*cking know geography.
Ron proceeds to destroy the kitchen in two seconds, spilling things, dropping a cake on the floor, using the blender without securing the lid, you know, the usual. Ron and Snooks immediately start chugging drinks. A taxi arrives and blares on their horn repeatedly until Snooks and Ron get in. Haven’t they heard of Lyft? Ron and Snooks go to dinner and Ron tells her how great his relationship with Jen is. Sounds totally believable, Ron. Why must we always talk about this?
Snooki: Is that before or after she dragged you with a car?
Ron: It’s better than it was.
Snooki: Why would you be with someone who tried to kill you?
Ron: The attempted murder wasn’t even that bad.
Ron then proceeds to give a ridiculous diatribe about how this is all really TMZ’s fault and TMZ would be like, “oh Ronnie opened the door,” and yeah, that’s all fine except she was arrested for this, sooo… Snooki is like, “yeah, whatever, just don’t be on the news again.”
Ron and Snooks go out to dance at a bar together. Wouldn’t it be so amazing if they ended up together? Like, she is volatile but not violent, and she likes short, square guys like Ron anyway. This could be a match in Jersey heaven.
Angelina is in a cab on the way to the house and Snooks is like, “oooh wait I’m not there, come to the bar.” And Angelina is like, “Uh with all my luggage?” I’m just impressed she even has luggage and doesn’t use trash bags anymore. Angelina then talks sh*t on Chris and how happy she is to get away from him. Yeah, so you’re going to for sure have sex with Vinny then.
Angelina arrives at the bar with all her bags.
Snooki: Angelina is walking into the club with her luggage, like I love her, she’s such a mess.
Snooks, this is 100% your fault because you were supposed to let her into the house.
Ron: I’m just happy they’re not garbage bags.
Oh cool, now Ron and I are sharing thoughts. When is the season finale?!
The second Ang gets there, Ron wants to leave, so this was just a huge waste of my everyone’s time. Snooks needs to be basically carried to bed because she’s so drunk. Angelina calls her boyfriend and he’s sleeping and she’s like, “Why are you pissed? Why are you cranky?” Ang, why are you f*cking annoying?
Angelina tried to cuddle in bed with Snooki and she refused.
Angelina: What? I’m not gonna pee in your bed or something.
Snooki: Pee in the bed, what are you, Floribama?
Angelina is complaining about Chris to everyone over breakfast. She’s basically like, “Chris is too comfortable around me and I hate him.”
Snooki: That’s what’s called marriage.
Ron appoints himself Breakfast Therapist and begins to instruct Angelina on how to share her feelings and resolve conflict.
Ron: If I’m giving you relationship advice, that’s how you know you’re f*cked.
Once again, Ron and I are sharing thoughts. (What is happening to me???)
Snooki then tells Ron that Angelina won’t stop talking about Vinny and it’s annoying.
Snooki: Bang him, punch him in the face, and move on.
Mike and Vin arrive and Vin is pleased to find that Ron’s hair is done.
Vin: Ron is like Humpty Dumpty. He falls, he’s shattered, you’ve got an eyeball here, an eyeball there, and you think, that sh*t is never gonna be be put back together again. And then you see him and he’s like perfectly combed over. Humpty Dumpty on steroids.
Snooki tells Mike she made food for him, and Mike’s going on about how he’s lost weight.
Ron: Mike always says he’s losing 5-7 lbs but then he gains 20.
Ron, I feel attacked right now.
Mike tells Ang that everyone is spreading rumors that she’s a “cucker” which apparently means swinger? I don’t know. Then Angelina tells Vinny in front of everyone that he sucks in bed.
This makes Vin need to rush to go and check if he’s in ketosis right now. Vin, she already wants to have sex with you, you don’t need to lose any weight. So he has these little strips that you pee on to check if you’re in ketosis. That is sooooo sad. Mike demands to see the strip himself as he is a self-proclaimed “expert” on pee strips. Turns out, our keto guido only has a small trace of ketones. It looks like carbs found him.
Vinny then tries to establish dominance over Angelina by asking her to wash a dish and feed him.
Ang: Vin loves me because I remind him of his mommy.
Then Vinny asks Ang to sit next to him. Now that he’s got her attention, he uses this moment to tell everyone that Ang has a giant vagina and drops a condiment bottle in a much larger vase to demonstrate what sex with her is like. Vin, then why do you want it so bad? Also, anytime a guy says a girl has a giant vagina, I just think that means his penis is really small.
They all hang out at the pool and Vinny is super sad that he can’t do a flip into the pool. Despite Mike’s 5-7 lb weight loss, he refuses to take his shirt off and sits outside of the pool. Which is super sad, like live your life. People don’t dislike you because you’re chubby, they dislike you because you’re a felon.
Jenni arrives, which is basically the same thing as Jenni not being here, since she insists on dressing like an old lady and doing nothing interesting. Vinny is thrilled because the gang fills him in that Ang is unhappy with her fiancé. They go to nice restaurant and Snooki is pounding vodka sodas in the corner and cursing. It’s like me at Thanksgiving. They try to order Snooks bread to sober her up, but she insists on asparagus instead. Which she eats with her hands. Snooki then gets up from the table and announces “now I’m gonna fight.” And then she sits back down and orders a glass of wine.
Snooki tries to express her love to Jenni and instead tells her she wants to f*ck her. They all keep calling her “Dren” which Mike explains is Snooki’s drunken alter ego. Dren then gets up and starts dancing and screaming for everyone in the restaurant to look at her. She’s also wearing athletic shorts in a v nice restaurant.
Ron: Check please!
Let’s see if Snooki can stay awake for when they go out, if Vinny and Ang bang it out, if Pauly will ever get here, next week!
Images: Giphy (7)