It's The Calm Before Cinco De Mayo: Your Weekly Horoscope April 30-May 4

The full moon Sunday really fucked stuff up last week. Luckily, the dust will now settle. Like, hopefully you didn’t burn too many bridges or text your ex you still love him in a moment of weakness. Here’s to turning a new leaf in the week ahead, with, hopefully, less of that full moon in Scorpio energy wrecking our shit. Here’s your weekly horoscope April 30, and don’t you fucking dare post that Justin Timberlake meme tomorrow.


It’s a great week to go after that thing you’ve had your eye on. A grounding influence from Saturn will help you seal the deal. Whether it’s putting an application in for your dream apartment, or finally asking your favorite bartender to meet you for a drink on his night off, the planets will bless you for efforts outside of your comfort zone.


Your Taurus-sized ego will clash with the right thing to do this week. You don’t usually think of yourself as prideful, at least, not in the same way Leos are prideful, but Taurus betches have some vanity and conceit too. Bite the bullet this week and take the L on something. Trust me, giving in a little right now will save your ass down the road.


You’re quickly approaching a major deadline. Saturn in your house of shared resources signals that you might not be as independent as you thought you were. Just ask for some fucking help. Damn, girl. Don’t be so stubborn. If you just need a session to vent about what you’re going through, seek the advice of a betch who has been in your shoes before and came out better for it on the other side.


Saturn wants you to stop fucking around with your love life. Sunday’s full moon in Scorpio could have reignited an old flame or fanned a new one. Things can get hotter and more serious at the same time. You know that, right? Adding an element of commitment won’t make you lose the passion, so if you’re afraid to DTR because the sex is so good, just, like, don’t be.


Usually, you’re so confident about your abilities, but you might be feeling some after-effects from Sunday’s full moon that kill your vibe. It’s easy to not trust yourself when a new opportunity or challenge presents itself this week. But, like, name one time when something you really wanted to succeed in didn’t work out for you. Yeah, that’s what I thought.


This is not the week for you to experiment with your style, take a different route to work, or get bangs. OK, TBH, it’s probably never the right time for you to get bangs. Anyway, the Sun clashes with your house of exploration this week. Even though you might be craving a change or a switch-up, take this advice and wait until next week to rock the boat.


As a Libra, you’re the most balanced of the signs. This week, though, things might feel a little bit off for you, especially when it comes to relationships with others. Be prepared for some #awkward moments when you say the wrong thing or send an email to the wrong person. Things things won’t end up being that big of a deal, but it will be super uncomfortable for you to correct. Wear cute shoes so that’s what people notice when you’re removing your foot from your mouth.


You’ll suffer from a false sense of confidence this week. You’ll feel on top of your shit with support from authoritative Saturn. Your opinions, no matter how right they are, might be hard for others to swallow—especially when it comes to your boyfriend and coworkers. Share appetizers and not opinions when you’re at happy hour with the coworkers this week. Brb, I’m putting “share appetizers, not opinions” on a T-shirt and selling it.


Double-check your work this week. Everything you’re doing will probably go smoothly, but someone else’s mistake could fuck with your shit. The Sun makes your productive, but there’s a good chance something you had no control over is out to get you. It might not be intentional, but no one has never been led astray by following the wise words of “trust no bitch”.


Your emotions will battle it out this week as something that you’d usually find fun seems super overwhelming. It’s totally okay if a night out with friends in the middle of the week seems more like a chore than a reward. In the words of that horrible Chainsmokers song: Who goes out on Mondays? Rain check on plans until there’s a time they seem less terrible and stressful. If that time never comes, it’s also not your fault.


While many of the other signs are encouraged to take a step back this week, this is not the time for you to bitch out on anything. The full moon on Sunday will continue to highlight your career and give you greater visibility into the week. You’ll need to put on your big girl panties—yeah, ok, we can all agree panties is a gross word—and do some work. Find a way to shine, even if that also involves buying a new highlighter.


Don’t agree to do things now that will only annoy you in the future. Sure, you might feel pressured this week to sign up for a charity 5K. Just don’t. The planets make you agreeable, even if what you’re agreeing to is against your best interests. Come up with really good excuses instead like that you have to watch a friend’s goldfish or you’re going to be sick that week.

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