A good date is hard to come by in the era of dating apps and situationships. In fact, any date at all can be hard to come by when an alarming number of grown-ups are still “figuring out their relationship type” (you’re balding, Brian, think quickly!). With all that downtime, single baddies have been debating what’s in and what’s out in the dating world, and one topic that remains piping hot is the coffee date.
For some, a coffee date is a perfectly pleasant opportunity to feel out a new stranger. For others, it’s considered a low-effort meet and greet, ranking even below lunch. So, how is the concept of flirting over caffeine so damn polarizing, and which side of the equation is speaking the truth? “What we really need to look at is the mindset,” relationship expert and dating coach Sabrina Zohar tells me, because she believes the stigma around coffee dates stems from “assuming intent.”
So, let’s answer the question, once and for all: Is a coffee date cool or a cop-out?
Coffee Dates: Are they bad or not?
@sabrina.zohar Coffee dates aren’t the issue, it’s the persons intentions. If someone asks you in a coffee date because they’re cheap and don’t want to spend the money that’s diff than saying I’m busy and want to see if we jive before committing to dinner. #coffeedates #datingadvice #datingcoach #relationshipadvice #selfworth ♬ original sound – Sabrina Zohar
Why are coffee dates so polarizing?
It seems that half the dating pool finds coffee dates to be an instant no, while the other half is eager to live their Central Perk fantasy. When I ask Zohar why she thinks coffee dates are still oh so taboo, she explains, “I think it depends on the mindset that you’re entering with.” Those who fall in the camp of “kind of old school” might believe “a coffee date is low effort, and someone should be putting more effort into you,” Zohar says. It’s easy for more traditional daters, especially straight women, to view coffee dates as an interview by a straight man wanting to screen their worth. (Zohar has noticed in her work as a dating coach that the “echo chamber” around coffee date discourse tends to exist around women, straight or gay, BTW. “Very rarely do I hear guys complain about a coffee date,” she tells me.)
But Zohar suggests there could be more to the story than cutting corners. Those who apply a more modern approach when “dating heavily in major cities” could be more aligned with the option for mutually beneficial reasons. Instead of the reason being laziness or pickiness, it’s possible that the interested party is simply being “cognizant of [their] time” as well as “cognizant of other people’s time.” Because when you’re dating in a major city full of potential partners, you only have so many evenings to spare. Zohar also added that if you’re interacting with a high volume of strangers through your phone to find the one, “spending $100 to $200 every time you’re going to go on a date,” isn’t feasible financially for most people, instead of just being cheap. Essentially, in this new school of thought, a coffee date isn’t a cop out; it’s a face-to-face vibe check because dating apps can get weird sometimes.
Does a coffee date mean he doesn’t like you?
The reality is, more likely than not, if someone is asking you, they’re not not interested, but as a hopeless romantic, it’s hard to shake the sentiment that my soulmate wouldn’t want to shake hands at Starbucks. Zohar says that people who go on fewer, more selective dates are valid AF for wanting to be excited about savoring the experience, but she also finds the party line that a coffee date means he’s just not into you to be “clickbait.”
One of the biggest lessons she learned from her era as a serial dater is that “there were plenty of people that took me on dinner dates that were still low intention, still lazy, still just trying to get laid.” Zohar acknowledges that “if someone’s intentions are, I’m only doing a coffee date to save money,” then that can be problematic for a future relationship. But asking for a coffee date isn’t automatically proof that’s their intention.
“One person’s lived experience isn’t everybody’s,” meaning there are reasons dinner and drinks don’t work for everyone, Zohar says. Being sober, working night shift, or having previous bad experiences are reasons someone might not want to commit to a night out with a stranger.
“You still flirt on a coffee date. You can still look really beautiful, you can still feel your best,” without the grandiose backdrop or alcohol for the first date. “If that [vulnerability] is what scares you, then that’s what we need to have a conversation about,” Zohar says.
What are the pros and cons of a coffee date?
As someone who always said no to dinner dates, and met her long-term partner for a hike as their hang, Zohar has personal experience with the pros of non-dinner dates. “Having a coffee date removes all the extra. So I get to see this person for who they are and not for the shiny version the alcohol makes me seem to think they are, or the music, or the ambiance, or the night.” She also notes, “For me, my time is incredibly valuable, so why would I give my time to somebody that I don’t know well enough before they’ve earned that part in my life to give them a dinner date?” When she was dating, she also saw coffee dates as a way to avoid the disappointment that comes with giving up a whole day preparing for a date when it totally flops. After you’ve confirmed this person matches your freak, just a little bit, Zohar reminds me that a second date can be something more special.
But after singing the praises of coffee dates with good intentions, I had to ask if Zohar also recognized any of the criticisms that coffee dates often receive. “I definitely think if somebody is lukewarm about you going on a coffee date, it could probably teeter that over the edge,” Zohar says. Because coffee dates are not the norm for a lot of people, there’s a big opportunity for awkwardness and no comforting ambiance to cut the silence. But if someone’s not your person, finding out sooner rather than later is always a good thing in the long run, Zohar insists. (Even if it means thirty minutes of sipping on a cold chai tea latte.)
How To Ask Someone On A Coffee Date
Asking someone on a coffee date could be a red flag in their book, but Zohar has a suggestion for a way to proactively clear the air. Leading with an honest reason you’re not into drinks (like being sober or staying out late on a weeknight) so you’re not instantly perceived as low-effort, and following up with a tentative future date that’s more fun is a good recipe. “I’m not really a drinker, so going out for a cocktail doesn’t interest me. Would you want to grab a coffee? If we have a good connection, I’d love to get dinner with you after,” is the type of text Zohar suggests sending.
How To Reject A Coffee Date Without Being Rude
Though there can be positives to choosing a midday meetup, no one should operate in strict black and white terms while dating. You can’t go wrong with being honest and human about your expectations, Zohar believes. If coffee dates really aren’t your thing, politely pushing back with a note like, “listen, I’m not really a big coffee dater. I’d love to grab dinner. I know that that might be a lot for a first date, but, I’m just big on experience and if we’re going to connect, let’s do it,” shouldn’t scare a potential partner away, she says. If you’re comfortable, you could also ask their motivation for a coffee date and judge from there if your MOs are a match.
Coffee Date Alternatives
There’s a big middle ground between fine dining and a cup of joe. A hike, grabbing ice cream, running an errand together (like hitting the farmer’s market or going to a bookstore), a scenic stroll by the water, an arcade, a local event found on Eventbrite, or even a workout class (if fitness is your happy place) are all exciting but low-stakes meetings.
“What are things that you’re interested in doing? Do you want to see if someone can join you in that?” Zohar says. “Because for me, being fun and having joy is important.” Finding the joy and fun in dating is something we could all stand to benefit from.
