The worst things in life are often the most delicious. Like spindly McDonalds fries at 4am, so salty that you’ll wake up parched and yet craving more of them. Like that fourth mimosa at brunch, when you’re already aware, you’ll not only have to cancel your plans for the rest of the day but also your spin class tomorrow morning. And most of all, like the breakup sex you have with the ex you SWORE to your friends you wouldn’t see ever, ever again. But suddenly, they’re in your bed, you see their genitals meeting yours, and you have zero intentions of stopping before you clock a couple of big Os — if you’re gonna fuck up, you may as well get fucked in the process.
If breakup sex, cigarettes, Red Bull vodkas, and pistachio croissants are so bad for you, then why do they FEEL SO DAMN GOOD? And is there any chance that breakup sex maybe isn’t the most terrible idea… asking for a friend?
There is something uniquely intoxicating about sex with an ex. It feels like the best sex you’ve ever had with them. It is like nothing before, as now the grains of sand are slipping out the hourglass, and you’re clutching their skin as if you can hold on forever. I think it also feels so dramatic, like you’re in Sex and the City or something written by Nora Ephron.
But while I may be an expert in getting down and dirty with an ex, I needed someone with a little more expertise in human behavior to explain why. Betches spoke to Eloise Skinner, BACP, psychotherapist and author, on why breakup sex feels so damn good.
Why do we have breakup sex? And why does it feel so good?
“For some people, breakup sex might deliver a sense of closure — if the relationship ending felt particularly emotional, or if it ended for reasons beyond your control (such as one person moving away), breakup sex might be able to provide a feeling of finality or resolution,” Skinner explains.
Oh god, it’s giving Normal People in the best way. There is that romantic notion of soulmates torn apart having one last naked hurrah. In these instances, breakup sex doesn’t seem as fucked up, as you physically can’t be together. There’s a finish line to stop you from just ending up in a cycle of breakup sex until one of you moves on. Or are you just delaying ripping off the bandaid?
“Both or either party might be seeking emotional reassurance,” Skinner continues, “And there’s also a level of physical intimacy or closeness that can feel comforting and grounding in the context of a breakup.”
And then, of course, breakup sex might feel good because you still have feelings for that person. I am CERTAINLY not recommending this, but sometimes breakup sex is one person’s attempt to talk the other out of the split. “Whether the breakup was mutual (and you still have remaining feelings that you’re hoping to overcome), or whether you were the person broken up with (and you’re hoping sex might re-establish a connection),” she adds.
I prefer the idea that breakup sex is great because I’m just fantastic in bed, but thanks for bursting that bubble, Skinner. Other reasons we have breakup sex can be a mix of the below:
- Familiarity. You know a person so well and you’ve grown incredibly intimate with them. After my last breakup, I found it so daunting to suddenly be a stranger to my partner. I knew their body as well as my own, and yet it was suddenly off limits. Breakup sex is a way to delay that stranger effect. It’s a chance to cling to their physical form. It also feels instinctual; you may be rumpled up in the sheets before you even realize this is a bad idea.
- Good sex. New sex with someone? UGH. You’re going to have to guide their hands, reign in your weirdest impulses, and refrain from any giggling. All of that is a wonderful experience as well, but it’s also just so much effort. Can you blame someone for wanting to take their familiar car out for one more drive? Before they switch to a whole new gearstick — pun very much intended.
- Self-sabotage. Again, very bad girlie, but I’ve been there. Breakup sex can be a way of fucking yourself over. Touching the flame, drinking another shot, snoozing your alarm. It’s essentially a form of standing in your own way, hurting yourself emotionally.
- The last time. One of the weird things about breakups is you often don’t know it’s your last time together, or at least one person doesn’t. You can lose your partner and not even remember your last kiss or fuck, as this is the kinda stuff that blends in the comfort of a committed relationship. Some people opt for breakup sex to know it is their last time together, to go out with a bang — again, pun so intended!!
Is breakup sex ever a good idea?
Let’s live in delusion, even just for another minute. I don’t want to live in a world where something that feels so good can be completely bad for you. Like isn’t red wine supposed to reduce your odds of getting cancer and chocolate meant to give you happy hormones? IDK, I’m clearly not a Woman in STEM.
“Sex can certainly have stress-relieving aspects and can help to reduce the tension in a relationship that is coming to an end,” Skinner says. “It might also help you leave the relationship with some final positive memories, or help to draw the relationship to a close in your mind. Doing something for the final time might also give it an additional aspect of excitement, drive or passion.”
Orgasms are good for you. Real science shows they improve your mood, relieve stress and even help you to sleep better. And we all know good sleep is the GOAT. But all these positive orgasm benefits are probably outweighed by the emotional turmoil of getting involved with your ex and complicating matters.
I mentioned previously that you may see breakup sex as a chance to convince your partner, and this is always a terrible idea. Sex shouldn’t be the reason you stay together. And most of all, you shouldn’t have sex with someone who broke your heart. Please trust me on this. I have never felt as used and lonely as after I had sex with an ex who still didn’t want to be with me. I felt like a human fleshlight, and it seemed like confirmation that my body was all I had to offer them. It only hurt more when I discovered that they were sleeping with more people. At least my therapist got a lot of work out of it.
What to consider before trying breakup sex
Let’s be real, pals, you’re going to do it no matter what I say. I respect that as a fellow self-sabotaging girlie, I intend to make things as difficult as possible for myself. I respect your right to screw yourself over, even if I think you deserve SO MUCH MORE. But if you’re gonna go full steam ahead on some breakup sex, do it with some protection. I don’t just mean condoms (although def do that shit, don’t assume they’ve not been elsewhere since the split), but also condoms of the heart.
I asked Skinner what she would recommend to people set on having breakup sex, as we all know preaching abstinence with exes won’t work.
“I think it’s important to be intentional about it, especially if you have some time to think ahead of time about what you want to get from the experience,” Skinner says, suggesting tools to process like journaling or talking it out with a non-judgemental friend to pinpoint what you want out of the experience.
“If it truly is just the case that you’re in it for fun, pleasure or as a final step towards closure, it might help to set some boundaries ahead of time,” she says, and then actually communicate those boundaries to your ex. “For example, making it clear that you don’t want to chat to them the next day, so that you’re not stressing waiting for a text or call.”
The next day might be emotionally challenging either way, but if you still go forward with it, at least set yourself up with a good support system. “Perhaps plan a restorative or relaxing activity for yourself, or make some time to reflect on any feelings or emotions that come up.”
I know what you’re thinking: your besties will KILL you if they hear you’re gonna go sleep with your ex. I’ve been on both sides of it, and yeah, friends don’t like when you fuck your ex. Usually, the shit you’re scared to tell your friends is the shit you know you shouldn’t be doing. Nevertheless good friends will support you as you do the delulu shit you need to do. Let them say it’s a bad idea, and then tell them you hear them, but you need to do this. A good friend will resign themselves, and support you in the way you need.
You’re gonna need someone to talk to after the fact. So open up to SOMEBODY, preferably someone not friends with your ex, so you aren’t holding it all in. Breakup sex is absolutely brimming with emotions, and that’s too much to carry on your own. Get yourself a sounding board post-coitus, as your ex can’t be that for you.
And don’t let it become a recurring fact. While I’ll turn a blind eye to a bit of breakup sex, I do not believe in any circumstances that people can safely and healthily move from a committed relationship to friends with benefits or booty calls. It is going to end terribly, and you know that too. Don’t do it, gurl. And please know that you deserve to have sex with someone who thinks the world of you and would never let you down <3.
