In Which A Girl Who Hasn’t Changed Out Of Sweatpants In 13 Months Judges Celebrities’ Oscars Outfits

Last night, awards season 2021 came to a close (unless you count the Met Gala, which is really just a red carpet) with the 93rd annual Academy Awards. And while usually the Oscars are a big production that’s only mildly painful, last night the Academy had a pared-down ceremony held at Los Angeles’s Union Station. A handful of celebrities were in attendance, and they were not allowed to dress casually (a rule I’m 90% certain was put into place solely because of Jason Sudeikis at the Golden Globes). This year really separated the movie fans from the people who are forced to watch for work (hi), as it was fairly subdued compared to years past. That said, there were some standout moments. Daniel Kaluuya won Best Supporting Actor for his role in Judas & The Black Messiah and in his acceptance speech, thanked his parents for having sex. While his mom was in the audience. Chloé Zhao made history when she won Best Director for Nomadland, making her the first woman of color, and only the second woman, to do so. Yuh-jung Youn became the first Korean actress to win an Academy Award, and low-key shaded Brad Pitt in her acceptance speech. And because it wouldn’t be the Oscars without a colossal blunder at the very last minute, after mysteriously moving the award for Best Actor after Best Picture and spending all night alluding to Chadwick Boseman potentially winning the award posthumously, Best Actor went to… Anthony Hopkins.

But the real shame was the red carpet this year. Not because there were a lot of bad looks—in fact, because there were really no bad looks. As a professional hater, this took a real toll on me. I’ve been stuck inside for a year and forgotten how to clasp a bra; these celebrities can still serve looks more than a year into the pandemic?! They really are not just like us. That said, I know you all come for the outfit roasts, so I dug deep for this. Here I am, a person who has not changed out of athleisure (if sweatpants count as athleisure) for a full year, to make fun of couture designs about which I know nothing.

Laura Dern

Serving both Moira Rose energy and the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast, Laura Dern’s Oscar de la Renta gown is the definition of business on top, party on the bottom. Which, incidentally, is what I put in my Hinge profile.

Olivia Colman

I know Trump is no longer in office, but I still do not want to see Handmaid outfits—not on Halloween and especially not on the red carpet. Last time I checked, Amy Coney Barrett was still on the Supreme Court. I know season 4 is coming out and we’re all hyped, but please, it’s too soon.

Viola Davis

There’s always one bride on Say Yes to the Dress with a conservative family who goes for a Pnina Tornai gown that looks exactly like this, and it costs like, $15,000 over budget. *Adds to wedding Pinterest board*

Sacha Baron Cohen

Maybe it’s the brown jacket and the off-white pants with a white shirt—okay, yes, it’s definitely that combination of elements—but I feel like he’s about to walk right off the red carpet and try to either sell me some paper, or bust into an a cappella routine. Only thing that’s missing is the hat.

Reese Witherspoon

You know the 2000s are coming back when people are just randomly throwing belts on garments that absolutely do not need belts. I did this in middle school with tops from Rainbow; Reese is doing it with a Christian Dior gown. At least I only ruined a $3 shirt, just saying!

Andra Day

Her glam looks amazing; there is absolutely no denying that. Hot take, though: this dress to me looks like something that’s gotten a designer sent home on Project Runway. I’m pretty sure I wore this to one theme party or another in college. The theme was, ironically, the Oscars, and I went as a sexy statue.

Glenn Close

I am still triggered from my high school years when wearing skirts over jeans was cool. I love the dress—just not sure why she had to add the gloves, or the pajama pants underneath. Maybe it makes things comfier, but at what cost?

Halle Berry

My brain: Don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina… Is this or is this not the diagram you’re shown in 6th grade health class to illustrate the menstruation process?