I’m in my mid-twenties, which means if you need me, you can find me at a wedding or bridal shower or engagement party or bachelorette party or wedding dress shopping or any of the myriad events that happen after one of my friends gets engaged. And at each of these events, while I am celebrating my sweet, sweet friend and whatever halfway decent guy she’s marrying, I’m also taking diligent mental notes. I’m not planning on getting engaged for a little while, so that means I still have a couple more years of seeing 11-year-old Pinterest boards come to life at my friends’ weddings until it’s time for my own fairy tale day. So far, I have decided that I want first look photos, I want a huge cocktail hour, and I absolutely most definitely, for sure, do NOT want bridesmaids at my wedding.
View this post on Instagram
It sounds harsh when I tell people this, but tell me, what is the modern-day necessity for bridesmaids? I’m not being traded like a cow, so why do I need my future sister-in-law to tend to me like I’m a slab of meat in a satin, off-the-shoulder, fit-and-flare wedding gown? It’s nice that the bridesmaids get to feel like they’re special or whatever, but I just think having no bridesmaids at my wedding will make everything infinitely easier.
First of all, the drama of having bridesmaids is just too much. Picking an appropriate amount of friends to feature is like the adult-world version of picking your Top 8 on MySpace. If you ask your best friend from college, then you also have to ask your best friend from high school. If you ask your sorority big, you also have to ask your sorority little. If you ask one of your future spouse’s sisters, you have to ask all of them. Before you know it, you have 27 girls standing next to you all wearing the same exact sh*t (which, in any other context, is a total fashion faux pas). I’m still trying to figure out how a single day could cost the same as a year of college tuition, but I do know that it’s not worth it to make all the best friends I’ve had throughout my life (who only know each other by association) agree on the same style of gown or feel pressured to pick a color that everyone looks good in. Also, I’ve been to weddings where the bridesmaids don’t even stand next to the bride, which goes back to my original supporting thesis of this article: what is the f*cking point?
Weddings are expensive as it is, and not having bridesmaids saves me a ton of money that I can put elsewhere. Perhaps, instead of monogrammed silk robes that everyone will wear exactly one (1) time, I can have a chocolate fountain at the reception. Instead of wine glasses and shot glasses that say “Bridesmaid” on them that will be used exactly zero (0) times, I can get a photo booth that all of my drunk friends will visit several times throughout the night, so they can document their progressive unraveling. Instead of paying for their makeup and hair on the day that I should be looking the most flawless, I will get a juggling Elvis impersonator on stilts to make us all self-portrait balloon animals. The possibilities are endless when you just let all of your friends be guests instead of your matching minions for the day.
View this post on Instagram
Honestly, I’m doing everyone I love a favor. Ask anyone who has been a bridesmaid—many will have exclusively terrible stories. Planning the bridal shower was a nightmare because the one friend doesn’t want to pitch in money. They had to wake up at 5:30 am to get their makeup done for a wedding that started at 2 pm. They had to freeze outside for pictures while everyone else was inside enjoying the cocktail hour. The time and money spent to be a bridesmaid is just outlandish, and I don’t want to do that to my friends. All I want is for them to come to my wedding, wear what they want, and have a good time. I can take pictures with them at the reception. I can still invite them to go dress shopping and to the bachelorette party. I can still ask someone to hold my flowers for me (or my dress when I pee), and I can still have someone make a speech about how lovely I am and how lucky my fresh new wife is to be married to me. I just don’t have to have a gang of girls around me who I have chosen to announce to my friends and family are my Best Friends.
All in all, I think I’m helping everyone out here. I get to save money and keep the attention on myself, my would-be bridesmaids can calmly enjoy the day, and my guests won’t have to watch any tacky entrance dances. Seriously, those are hateful.
Images: Devon Divine / Unsplash