How To Tell If You're Bad In Bed Without Having To Ask Him

Before you jump down my throat for suggesting a dick malfunction could ever be a betch’s fault, please know that I am familiar with the vile shit guys come up with when we dare to suggest that ED is not our problem. I am in no way here to suggest that a failed attempt at a summer body is responsible for switching a guy’s dick into the “off” position, nor am I suggesting that having encountered this issue makes you bad at sex. Also, I fully agree that a dick malfunction is something you should never put up with in a one-night stand—you came to this club bathroom guy’s apartment for one thing only, and that thing is currently about as hard as it was for Elle Woods to get into Harvard. In these instances, it’s best to just declare the hookup canceled and try to get with someone else call it a night.

That being said, it’s kind of a different issue if this is a guy you’re seeing semi-regularly. Like, if you’re close enough that you can scream bloody murder while removing a forgotten tampon in the next room  mention your period around him, you should be willing to put up with some semi-unpleasant stuff in his genital region too (note: this obviously does not apply to herpes. Usher, we’re looking at you). A recent study polling 180 male college students found that 1 in 4 guys have faked an orgasm when the “sexual circumstances” just weren’t working for them. Let’s break down which circumstances you can and can’t control.

Not Your Fault: Whiskey Dick

I’ll go ahead and assume you’re not morons and keep this short. First of all, you shouldn’t need an additional reason not to go home with the guy who’s slurring his words and can barely stand up straight, but for those of you who’ve mistaken “hot mess” as a type instead of a lifestyle, you should know that if his legs are having trouble standing up, his dick will too. Your only mistake here is not having spotted his sloppiness sooner—and given the fact that you’re also probably blackout, this is forgivable one to two times.

Maybe Your Fault: Talking Way Too Much

You’re an assertive betch who knows what she wants, and that’s a great thing, as is having your hair pulled while he rubs your clit and fucks you against a wall open, honest communication. But, much like anal sex most things, you need to ease into this slowly. You can’t just hit him with a barrage of non-stop directions while also moaning like a baby prostitute and shouting your ex’s name whenever you get close. There’s good talking during sex, and then there’s psychological warfare. Try to stay on the right side of that line.

Probably Your Fault: Playing Dead

We’ve already discussed this, but one of the worst crimes you can commit during sex is doing nothing at all. I get it, you’ve spent years sweating it out at your gym’s sauna, countless hours and dollars getting waxed and groomed, and on top of that acquired a wardrobe and makeup routine that would make your middle-school self proud. It’s easy to feel like your work should already be done by the time you’re fucking, but you’re not doing anyone a favor with that attitude. And honestly, if a guy’s best moves are getting the same reaction out of you as a high school football game, maybe you should just leave. Chances are he might not even notice.