Let me guess: You’re reading this article while rolling your eyes in disbelief, thinking “there’s no possible way to make wedding season any less of a fucking nightmare.” I’d totally do the same had I not spent a stupid amount of my time writing this. But once you’re done pouting about being single while pinning that heinous flower ball centerpiece onto your “Maybe Someday” Pinterest board, please proceed.
Katherine Heigl ever-so-condescendingly stated in 27 Dresses that “weddings are the perfect place to forget about being single.” Listen, that bitch has a stick up her ass in every movie she’s ever been in, but she’s not wrong. While the sacred union of holy matrimony isn’t exactly prime real estate for soothing the single soul, you’re doing it all wrong if you don’t use weddings as a constant reminder that spontaneous sex is still encouraged, and that you don’t need anyone’s permission to buy the shoes. So just because I’m feeling extra bitter nice today, I’ve put together this guide as a means to surviving your next country club nuptial as a party of one, so once you’re done thanking me, grab a shot from the open bar and get out there and “Cupid Shuffle” like the fucking boss that you are.
1. Don’t RSVP If You Don’t Want To
Wedding season has officially arrived (tbh, when the hell did it ever leave?) which means your fridge probably contains as many save the dates as bags of expired produce. But the one rule that people commonly seem to surpass is the choice to say no. Sending your “deepest regrets” (LOL) is this simple: Have you drunkenly hooked up with the groom actually talked to the bride since graduating college? Do you even know the wedding hashtag without opening Instagram? Then spare yourself the Mr. & Mrs. mugs purchase and carry on.
2. Dress Up And Document That Shit
Congratulations! You made it through an entire year of engagement photos, ring photos, bridal shower photos, and annoying af countdown photos. You finally get to justify dropping an entire paycheck on a new blowout, eyelash extensions and a subtly slutty wardrobe because looking hot af is the essence of feeling hot af. It’s time to whip out the Bombshell Bra and that LBD you can’t wear underwear with because there is no better selfie like a wedding selfie to make your ex jealous use as your newest profile pic.
3. Take Advantage of The Open Bar, Fucking Duh
First things first: walk your ass to the open bar. If said open bar doesn’t exist, then walk your ass to the nearest exit and GTFO. And take your gift with you. Idk who in their right mind makes people sit through their Google-assisted vows without at least offering a cold one or four in return, but nobody has time for that type of negativity in their lives.
But if there is an open bar, it’s about to be a shit show, so your best tactic is befriending the bartender. Compliment his under-poured vodka cranberries, tip him with dollar bills out of your cleavage for all I fucking care, but I guarantee by the end of the night, you’ll be getting a fast pass into tipsy territory. On that note, I’d also advice you not to get obliterated, but shit happens, and my friends would call me out for even suggesting such advice.
4. Befriend Your Table Mates
Spoiler alert: If you’re invited to a wedding without a +1, you will shortly be joining a table of fellow rejects guests who also hide their insecurities and intense fear of being alone behind self-deprecating jokes and judgmental critiques about the overused burlap and bridesmaid dresses. Your table mates are your biggest allies. They are your safe zone. And not because you have literally nobody else to talk to besides that one family member nobody knows who he belongs to, but because the only difference between Table 19 and your own betchy group of girlfriends is that Table 19 came fully equipped with flasks of tequila. Actually that would probably apply to your group of friends too…
5. Make The Dance Floor Your Bitch
After the newlywed couple is finished parading their first steps as husband and wife to John Legend’s “All of Me”, Beyoncé will give you the green light to shred your shit on the dance floor. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than witnessing the bride’s slutty cousin doing the “Wobble” so refer back to step #3 and don’t let that bitch get in the way of the hot groomsman you’ve been eye fucking all night. He’ll know you mean business when you ask to leave your heels under his table. Always be prepared with a list of ‘90s hip hop bangers on hand for the last call showdown that’s about to commence when all the relatives flock to catch their flight the next morning.
6. Keep Your Eye on The Prize
No, I’m not referring to the bride’s bouquet once you hear the fucking “Single Ladies” cue. If you’ve been eye fucking the shit out of the groom’s brother all night, and your only choice of Grade-A meat in recent months has been the option between chicken and fish, treat the wedding as a real-life Bumble. Like sure, it isn’t the finest selection, but these guys put their best outfits on display, and all you really need to know about them is their name, age, and yearly income. Just make sure his single status is verified before you start dry-humping to “Get Low.” Or don’t, whatever.
7. Live Your Best Fucking Life
Believe it or not, you’ve been completely misinformed: Weddings are a single girl’s time to fucking flourish. You’ve never looked hotter, never had more liquid confidence, and will never be treated to a mediocre dinner and alcohol on someone else’s tab without the dreaded attachment ever again. But just remember, even if you don’t end up going home with the bartender, the best man or DJ GETDWN, nothing quite beats the feeling of peeling off a pair of Spanx after a long day. Plus, there’s always the Kent wedding next weekend. Cheers, Betch.