To [My Male Boss / Susan from HR / Whom It May Concern]:
I’m writing this email to inform you that I will be unable to work on [10/27/23] because of [a national holiday / the release of one of the most, if not THE most pioneering record of the 2010s / my religion.] Unfortunately 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is a nationwide [pop / Gaylor / Harry Styles-related] emergency that requires my full and undivided attention. I do not expect to be online or reachable as I will be [lying in the fetal position all day / flailing uncontrollably / attending at least three listening parties, minimum.]
[Option 1: Technically speaking, it is the company’s fault for not recognizing this important moment in Taylor history. Taylor gave Swifties (and their employers) over two months to emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially prepare for this momentous occasion. While I am happy to use PTO, it should be recognized as a national holiday.]
[Option 2: Taylor announced this album is her FAVORITE, all caps, re-record, which, chills. Additionally, the collective time it will take me to listen to the entire re-recorded album Deluxe Edition (an hour and change) plus the *five* additional From the Vault tracks may take several hours in and of itself.]
[Option 3: I will also need additional time outside of the aforementioned plans to properly attend to and address this occasion. E.g. making a TikTok about how “All You Had to Do Was Stay” belongs in the Top 10 rankings of Taylor bridges, listening to 1989 TV while sobbing into the camera and going Live, etc.]
Should anything pertaining to my work load arise, please contact [Lisa, a Katy Perry stan / literally any straight, cis man in the office] who will be covering my assignments for the day. I am confident they’ll be able to tackle [updating the calendar / converting your PDFs / being micromanaged by you all day.]
If an emergency comes up, please do hesitate to contact me. I will not answer.
Thank you for understanding and support during this time.
All the best,