If you’re anything like me, you can barely tolerate like, 96% of the human population unless they genuinely have something to offer you. Like a free meal, for instance. Honestly, I’m not even asking for that much, especially since I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit in this excuse of a dating scene over the years, so really, it’s the least a guy could do.
We’ve worked our entire pretend adult lives on how to round the bases by the end of a dreaded first date—or even how to receive a simple text back, because apparently that concept is now as laborious as a goddamn calculus equation. But sometimes life backfires, and we end up regretting all of our questionable decisions, including the one that’s sitting right in front of us, incessantly chomping his romaine lettuce. In any similar case, aborting the mission is a must, especially if he’s about to attempt some suave move by the time the “well this was great” fib rolls around. So basically what I’m about to tell you to do is everything you’ve been taught not to do on a first date, but I can’t just stop here because I’m getting paid hourly, and bitches gotta eat. In order to spare yourself the fucking agonizing cheek turn at the end of the longest two hours of your life, I’ve come up with all the things I’ve unknowingly done before that will ensure no physical contact will follow, without leaving you feeling like a complete c-word. You’ll be so thankful you read this as you’re politely
ghosting rejecting him via text later on.
**This is to say you didn’t already go to the bathroom to “freshen up” and GTFO by way of back window.
1. Don’t Ask Him About Himself
If there’s one thing I truly pride myself on, besides disguising a brunch blackout every Sunday, it’s the ability to talk about myself for hours on end. This will especially come in handy when he runs through a list of job interview questions as if he didn’t already stalk you on social media beforehand. Give short Cliffnote answers, and when you wrap up a question, don’t follow up with the same question. In fact, don’t follow up with any question. The awkward silence in between inhaling your vodka soda(s) will drive him to plow through his entrée and skip dessert in no time.
2. Use Body Language Cues
I once dated a guy who rambled on about his Costco steamer for like, 45 minutes straight. HIS FUCKING STEAMER. I don’t know for sure, but there was prob a string of drool hanging from my mouth from dozing off, and I wish I was making this shit up. But this is the part of the date where your chronic resting bitch face comes in good use. If you have to, act like he’s talking about the steamer. Maybe prop your chin up on your hand, whip out that ugly double-chin yawn, IDK, check on your ratio of Instagram likes to minutes for all I care. Point soon-to-be taken.
3. Insist On Splitting The Bill
Nothing says “friend zoned, motherfucker” like insisting on going halfsies. Like, yeah, sitting through a monstrosity of a date without taking a butter knife to your eyeball should earn you a free meal at the very least, but he’ll get the message loud and clear if you just put forth some cash. Oh, and this can also be used as a test to see if he actually lets you pay—god, I’m the worst.
4. Give Him A False Time Constraint
Here’s the thing: I chose writing as a career because it’s cheaper than therapy and my friends are sick of my incessant bitching. I may live on a strict diet of whatever I can fit into my purse from the office cafeteria, but I use my profession to its full advantage (besides times like now when I generously impart my extensive wisdom upon you for a nominal fee), and will always blame cutting a bad date short on my “deadlines” when the situation is 9-1-1. Nine times out of 10, you’ll know within the first five minutes of a date if you can barely tolerate some narc who showed up in pink Chubbies to talk about his new personal training business before the bread even comes. I promise, a time constraint is a 100% proven quick dip-out when you’re being suffocated by a guy who shit on the service all night and gave an 8% tip.
5. Play The “Sick” Card
Has anyone in the history of anyone ever fucked with someone who says they have diarrhea? No. Case closed.
6. Be A Hot Mess
Now is the time to skip to like, year two of a relationship timeline and be yourself aka who you really are when your roommate is out of town for a week. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Yeah fucking right. Give your lady bits a little scratch, pick the black mascara goop our of your eye crevice and wipe it on your pants, I don’t fucking care. Just channel your true authentic self aka Marlon Wayans in White Chicks. Or just do as I would do and get obliterated on his dime.
7. Be An Ugly Mess
Remember that one time you found out about your ex’s blonde side chick and you were so mad, you catapulted a rock through his car window? You know, the kind of shit you take to the grave? So tell him. In full detail. Maybe throw in your political views out there while you’re at it. Oh, and while you’re ahead, let him know that your parents’ divorce was the root of all your trust issues and your utter disgust of the male species as a whole. Nothing is a bigger boner killer than spewing your baggage out onto the table before he even knows what you do for a living. This guy will be Forrest Gump-ing his ass out the door before you even have a chance to say, “drive safe!”
8. Start Talking Futuristic & Become Clingy
If you really want to nix this guy, you’re gonna have to do some damage control. Long ago, a wise woman once gifted a man she barely knew with a love fern and an entire Photoshopped family album only to fall in love in the process of pushing him away, because it’s a RomCom so JK on that. I’m not saying you have to go FULL Kate Hudson on his ass, but mentioning baby fever on the first date will definitely help get you one step closer. He’ll also probably shit himself once you discuss any sort of future commitment that involves him and/or bringing him to your best friend’s wedding in April. You get what I’m putting down, but on the flip side, if he actually agrees to spend a weekend with your closest friends celebrating their love after a first date, then we’ve got bigger problems, and I don’t get paid enough to help you with that.