There’s nothing worse than when a guy tries to be fun and spontaneous by offering to come over at a moment’s notice. It’s not like he’s intentionally being cruel, he just has no idea that your natural resting state is a messy bun and full sweatsuit, meanwhile it takes 45 minutes just to restore your left under-eye. Ideally you’d have three or four hours to prepare yourself, but asking for more time would destroy your perfectly crafted illusion of spending 18 hours a day to look super chill and naturally pretty. You have no choice but to get ready in 10 minutes, and here’s how you can do it:
Minute 1: Get your ass off the couch and have a heart attack while turning on whatever heating device you use to do your hair. Also, text the group chat to let them know in advance that you’re getting dumped tonight.
Minute 2: Finish your glass of wine, and in the rest of the 58 seconds, remain calm while realizing you don’t have time to shower. Quickly “clean” your room by shoving dirty laundry under your bed and excessively Febreezing the area.
Minutes 3-4: Scream at whoever is in the bathroom to GTFO or you will end their life. At this point you have to decide whether to poorly shave your legs or wash your face. Choose wisely because you can’t do both.
Minute 5: Stare into the abyss that is your closet and wonder how it’s possible that your wardrobe is legit more depressing than a Salvation Army. Find an outfit, put it on and instantly hate it.
Minutes 6-7: Fix your hair using dry shampoo, a curler/straightener and some prayers. Check your phone and respond to his “almost there” text with a couple thumbs up emojis because this is a very casual situation and nobody’s panicking.
Minute 8: Put on some makeup, but only the basics. Don’t even think about contouring and DON’T fuck up your eyeliner or else you’re gonna have to live with it for the rest of the night. This is a true test of how well you can perform under pressure.
Minute 9: Change into a different shirt that you hate. Then do at least two out of the following three things: brush your teeth, put on deodorant and spray perfume.
Minute 10: Relax betch, because your personality matters most of all you did it! You managed to get ready in under 10 minutes. Even though you could’ve looked hotter with more time, you can continue pretending you enjoy wearing anything other than leggings and that Marc Jacobs is your natural musk. If that doesn’t keep the spark alive, we don’t know what will.
*Note: if you receive a cancellation text at any point after minute two, make sure to immediately ghost this person because you don’t need this kind of drama in your life.
