Let me just start off by saying for those who don’t know: I am on the runaway hit, renewed-for-a-second-season show Summer House and there is a rumor that I started they want to nominate me for an Emmy, so you know everything in this article is completely true and a proven fact.
Memorial Day is upon us which marks the New Yorkers’ official start of 12 weeks of
starvation summer. If you haven’t been prepping for this weekend for the last IDK… like eight weeks or so, you’re probably fucked, but you can still starve yourself all week and maybe Stassi can tell you where to get a turtleneck swimsuit. (Love you, Stassi.)
I’m going to assume you already have a place to stay or at least a place to crash or something. If you are looking for a summer house this late in the game you might as well give up unless you want to be on TV (wink).
There are some great hotels out East, but they can be expensive and if I started laying out how to get a sugar daddy this post would just get really long and I think I may be liable if something happens. You can figure it out though… I believe in you.
There are four ways to get to the Hamptons and I’ll break them down in order of most to least desirable:
1. Helicopter: LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. I’ve literally offered kidneys, livers, every organ (and I mean every) for an extra seat.
2. Car: By car I mean SUV because that can be a LONG ride. On a Friday, I’ve had the 90 mile drive take five and a half hours. The benefit is you can stop whenever and you are just with your friends. Tip: there is a Taco Bell like 20 miles in.
3. Bus: Luxury Liner is the best bus option. I mean it says luxury in the name and they offer free SmartWater and Skinny Pop. BYE.
4. Train: I’ve never felt more like an extra on the set of Slumdog Millionaire in my life. It’s crowded. It’s hot. Someone smells. And when you’re on that platform waiting, the real ugly side of people can come out in order to get a seat when those doors open.
CONGRATULATIONS. You’ve finally made it. Hopefully you arrive and find your accommodations like this:
Believe it or not, I can be rugged sometimes, but the Hamptons is NOT one of those times you want to be adventurous
unless it’s in the bedroom (Google “Sir Ivan’s Castle” if you’re brave). If you arrive anywhere with “RV” or “campground” in the name, scroll back up and reverse your travel ASAP.
Hopefully you have a good group you’re staying with, but also hopefully there is someone you can talk about behind their back because this is Betches. Hi.
I like to have a nice mix of good friends and the acquaintances—it keeps it interesting.
IMPORTANT: Do not bring anyone that you have been dating for less than two months. Things get stressful at times when you’re drunk and trying to figure out where you left your phone and everyone changes a little out East… this will definitely break your relationship. I learned this lesson on one of my first big trips to Montauk.
I had been going on like, regular dates with this guy and he was so hot. He had met my friends so I thought bringing him to a weekend in Montauk would be an amazing way to really make this a lasting relationship. The day after this photo way taken was the last day I saw him and if he happens to read this I have one message:
Go fuck yourself / if it’s after 3am you can text me.
IT’S TIME TO PARTY
First of all, Memorial Day Weekend is known for being like the box of chocolates of weather. It could be nice, sunny and amazing, but probably it will be kind of cold, overcast, and raining. At the time of me writing this, which is 3:30am and I’m
drunk inspired, the weather is going to be complete shit. Bring your layers, because I don’t want to hear anyone complaining they are cold—and no, you cannot wear my jacket. I’m chivalrous, but we also have the weather app.
Second, if you are in East Hampton or Montauk, there is no Uber and you will literally want to kill yourself slowly with shards of empty rosé bottles unless you take this next piece of advice. Always have lots of cash for cabs and take out your phone right now and put this number in your contacts:
Montauk’s Best Taxi
They are not paying me to do this… that’s just how much they saved my life last summer. One time the Wirkus Twins and I were literally crying trying to get a cab and it was complete chaos. Everyone was running to jump in when any cab pulled up, whether they called it or not.
A Winklevoss twin was literally crawling on the ground across the parking lot (The lyrics of a Countess Luann song come to mind—you know which one). Montauk’s Best came and we met the driver and called him the rest of the summer. If you tell them Stephen from Summer House sent you, they are still going to take your money, but they will probably get you a car faster when you’re blacking out at 4am trying to get home.
BRING ON THE BOOZE
I swear you will hear the word “rosé” no less than 20,000 times in a weekend in the Hamptons, but do not feel obligated to drink it. Honestly, if you know that wine sends you over the edge, just do us ALL a favor and drink what you’re good at. The old saying “it’s a marathon; not a sprint” is even more appropriate when applied to drinking than it is even when you’re talking about actually fucking running
after the sparklers in the club. Also, can we all agree to stop with Café Patron shots? So Meatpacking 2013…
Disclaimer: I have really only spent a lot of time in East Hampton and Montauk and I am
so lazy a creature of habit so I go to a lot of the same places. But I am going to give you some places I love and some I don’t… just assume everywhere else is ok:
Surf Lodge: Quintessential Montauk. The bar can get very crowded, so buy multiple drinks at a time. Then cross over the dining patio and there is a swing and more secret seating.
Montauk Beach House: They’ve been stepping up their DJ game every summer, but also the pool scene is nice. It’s nice if you need to get away from your house during the day.
Gurney’s: Beach day bed. That’s all.
Jue Lan Club: Located in Southampton. If you’ve ever been to their Sunday brunch at the Manhattan location, you know they know how to throw a good party. The food is good and there is amazing art inside.
Liars: It’s like a late-night place in Montauk but I think it’s a doublewide trailer. It’s fine but I’ve never ended up there and not had drama amongst my friends later so I think it’s cursed and I just avoid it.
That place in East Hampton that feels like a tunnel: It used to be Finale East and SL. IDK what it is anymore but like the real problem is THERE ARE ONLY TWO TOILETS IN THE ENTIRE PLACE so do the math.
AM Southampton: Honestly it can be fun if that’s what you’re into, but like, you should have just stayed in the city if you want to go to a club.
At the end of the night,
your sugar daddy you are going to spend a lot of money going out. I am more of a fan of house parties because I’m cheap and when I get tired I will go upstairs in some obscure room and take a nap to reboot. It’s the only time I’m more than happy to go back in the closet.
Just keep piling on the alcohol and you’re sure to have a good night/rough morning.
OTHER THINGS YOU NEED KNOW
Other places in the world you can float around all day on cheap floats, but in the Hamptons you can actually find people who are snobby about floats (me). If you want to impress people on Instagram you have to shop FUNBOY, who just released a brand new batch of floats that are AH-FUCKING-MAZING.
Take a surf lesson/flirt with a surfer. It’s pretty fun and you can probably get three or four good TBT’s from it.
Sooth services the Hamptons so you can get a Sunday massage. #praisehim
Two Mile Hollow Beach in East Hampton is like an unofficial gay beach but it’s not like crazy Fire Island. I just describe it as the fun beach because it’s young and cool and everyone socializes… there are few children which is the biggest selling point. YOU CAN SEE CELEBRITIES THERE AND, NO, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ME. They are just like us when we are at the beach… sand in all the wrong places.
There is a Barry’s Bootcamp, Tracy Anderson, SoulCycle, etc. I’ve heard Switch and CYC are opening as well. You can sweat out last night’s tequila with a class in the morning and sometimes they will forgive you if you have to cancel because
you’re too hungover of an emergency and credit you if you beg.
Wineries are fun but not really a party. Make sure you’re in the right mindset or you WILL get in a fight with your drunk friend.
Well, that’s pretty much the extent of
my brain function tonight all the tips I have for you to take over the Hamptons this summer. If I think of more important information I’ll release a Volume II. Tweet me if you have any more tips, questions or success from any of these and follow me on Instagram and maybe I’ll run into you out East.