It’s taking every ounce of strength to write about Hailey and Justin Bieber’s forthcoming angel baby without breaking out into song (you know the one), but I’m strong enough to do it. As Hailey and Justin graciously shared their pregnancy journey with us, the world continues to patiently wait for their perfect little boy or girl to arrive, with mom’s cutsie, demure freckles, and hopefully dad’s genetically superior vocal cords. One thing Bieber fans may possibly know is baby Bieber’s first name: Plum. Now, if this well-investigated theory happens to be true, I hate that the surprise was spoiled before the family got a chance to put the news out there themselves with dramatic flare. However, the upside is that name is freaking ADORABLE and will likely inspire lots of little Plums and Peaches all across America whether they choose it or not. Betches also happens to have totally legitimate exclusive access to Hailey Bieber’s *TOP SECRET* baby registry. Take a look at the curated list below
1. The Beauty And The Beat Metronomic Autotuned Rattle
If that kid thinks they’re not going to have to join one of the family businesses from day one, they better think again. Since it would be kinda weird for a less-than-one-year-old to be testing out lipgloss, singing it is. Plus, if you’re going to have to hear wailing all day, it might as well be on key.
2. Custom Sugar Plum Air Force Ones
No one likes a fresh crisp white Air Force 1 Shadow like Mrs. Bieber, but with the baby’s hypothetical Sugar Plum Fairy name origins in the name I’m thinking custom plum sparkly ones they can wear for about a week.
3. A Set Of Saint Laurent Diamond Studded Bottles
What, you thought Hollywood royalty was going to be sipping from a Nanobébé flexy silicone like your little monster? Wrong! Couture sippy cups are a thing.
4. A Full Body Snail Muecin Mask For Mom
Hailey is the poster woman for the glazed donut slugging method, so after giving birth, mama needs the full body treatment. Wait, why isn’t Rhode making this yet?
5. A $5,000 Gift Card To Shake Shack
The happy family doesn’t want to have a cook for themselves or visiting guests in the days after their little bundle of joy drew house slides into the world, so $5K should be enough to feed Hailey, Justin, their in-laws, as well as Alec, Hilaria, and their small country out mouth breathers when they eventually visit.
6. A Goop Golden Baby Bjorn
Cashmere is soft, but the Goop Golden Baby Bjorn is softer — because it’s actually strung with strands of Gwyneth Paltrow’s carefully shed human hairs. That’s why her shampoo cost so much.
7. A Black Leather 1-Year-Old Onesie
I know, I know, it seems hot and sweaty but remember this baby is going to be regularly in Aspen and The French Alps, unlike you and I.
8. Hush Buddy Headphones Painted By Banksy
Baby Bieber is going to need one-of-a-kind stylish ear protection for when Dad goes back on tour as soon as they’re old enough to crawl. Right, Justin??? Please say yes. I’m begging.
