Everyone knows at least one person who has to make some big statement every time something happens in their life. Whether it’s up or down, they are clearly the wisest person in the room, and they make sure you know it. Well, Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged, and she has things to say!
You probably remember how, in 2014, Gwyneth made the whole world collectively roll their eyes when she got divorced from Chris Martin. She invented the phrase “conscious uncoupling,” because I guess saying “getting divorced” is too pedestrian, and honestly we’re still annoyed by it. But now Gwyneth says that it just took some time for her to contextualize her divorce, and “to reframe that divorce isn’t a failure.”
Her quotes come from the second issue of GOOP magazine, which Gwyneth is naturally on the cover of. She appears with her new fiancé Brad Falchuk, who is most well known for producing Glee and American Horror Story. Brad and Gwyneth met back when she was a guest star on Glee, so I guess that show didn’t suck for everyone after season 2.
In the GOOP article, Gwyneth says that at midlife, she has “tried to accept how complex romantic love can be.” Okay, someone really wants her own talk show. She’s also “accepted the soul-stretching, pattern-breaking opportunities that (terrifyingly) are made possible by intimacy.” Girl, what? In her engagement announcement, she also used the word “juncture,” so really she’s officially canceled.
Of course we wish Gwyneth and Brad the best with whatever the fuck kind of annoying wedding they plan to have, where people will probably have to take off their shoes and drink weird herbal tea. Maybe one day Gwyneth will act normal again, but it certainly won’t be today.