Look, the last thing I want to be writing about is Donald Trump not having pants on, let alone him having sex with somebody. But because he is our president it is technically news that he stuck his little cheetoh in a porn star named Stormy Daniels while Melania was raising their newborn son.
Like any good drama, there is tons of shade and some missing details. Here’s what we know went down:
In 2006, Trump hooked up with Stormy in Tahoe, which is the wrong town in Nevada to hook up with someone if you don’t want the story to get out later. Unlike in Vegas, what happens in Tahoe will comeback to bite you in the ass during your first year as president.
The Wall Street Journal claimed that Trump’s lawyer paid Stormy $130,000 the month before the election to keep mum about the hotel sex.
Following that article Stormy Daniels denied having the affair with Trump. But this statement was released through Trump’s lawyer. So, like, giving that an extreme side eye.
Predating both the Wall Street Journal and Trump’s lawyer’s statement, was an interview with elite literary publication In Touch Weekly, where Stormy admitted to having sex with Don.
Her friend Randy Spears, a name made for tabloid magazines, corroborated that story back in 2011, when the interview came out.
Stormy called Donald’s sex “textbook generic” which is literally the saddest thing about this story. If anyone ever described my sex as “textbook generic” I’d call up Disney’s Make-A-Wish foundation and beg to die.
I, personally, am one to believe a busty porn star with the name of an old ship’s captain, but I guess it is all still up for debate. What is insane though is that this story is like, not even the biggest headline at the moment. It’s like eighth on the docket of insane things happening this week. I can’t help but feel though that if this were a Democrat who had an affair with an adult porn star, Republicans would be hysterically crying upon a mountain of grocery store bibles, claiming they’ve never even heard of porn. But we’d all know that is a lie because those dudes need to get off to something after mercilessly fucking over the whole country as a fulltime job.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!