Dear Betch,
I met this guy about six months ago. He lives in another state, came up to my state for a week for work and we hung out for that entire week and really clicked. Since then he has come and visited me twice, but that’s it. He is terrible at texting (we never have conversation over text) and he has only called me just to “chat” once. Still, I REALLY really like him, and I have a feeling he likes me too, or he wouldn’t still keep me in his radar, or fly across the states to visit me, etc., My question is: Am I an idiot for holding on so long? Do I need to let him go?
And if there is ANY hope at ALL for us, how do I deal with his non communication while he lives in another state? We have talked about it, but I don’t really think he will change.
Thanks,
Helpless
Dear Idiot,
Well, that answers your first question. I don’t really have the time for this, because this guy is just not into you. As you get older and less stupid, you come to realize that guys will do ANYTHING to keep a woman on their radar, including continuing to text them “You single yet?” every few months even though you told him in no uncertain terms that you would not date him if you were single, taken, or the last woman on earth. That was a hypothetical example that definitely did not happen to me… Anyway, yeah, he’s not flying across the state to visit you, he’s doing it for work. You and your vagina are just a perk, which is why he doesn’t put in any effort the other like, 90% of the time.
Cut It Off,
The Betches
Dear Betches,
I recently got a new job and with it came about a 50% raise. While my negotiating skills are obviously up to par, my long term money management skills maybe aren’t. I was talking to my live-in boyfriend of 3 years about a few purchases that I had planned to spoil myself with, to which he replied “You should probably consider a retirement plan…” While I do have stocks, Daddy-dearest manages it for me and it does not include a retirement plan. Daddy-dearest is of course my go-to for all things adult, but my boyfriend is a CPA. I said I was open to the idea, but he said he would want to look at my financials. I don’t know how comfortable I am with showing him my bank accounts/etc. because that is a very private matter.
How long do people wait before sharing intimate financial details with their significant other? We aren’t getting married anytime soon so like isn’t this a little premature?
Xoxo,
What is Adulting?
Dear Adult,
First off, congrats on the raise! Please DM me your negotiating tactics. I’ll just get right to the advice: I agree with your boyfriend that you need a 401K or IRA or other retirement plan, BUT I do not think you should give him access to your finances. That’s just a recipe for disaster IMO—save that shit for marriage. As long as you’re not in crippling debt, keep your financial info private. Fortunately, setting up a retirement plan is super easy! First check with your HR/benefits person at your job to make sure that your company doesn’t already provide some type of retirement saving. If they do, you are living the fucking life. Contribute as much as you can out of each paycheck, especially if they match—that is free money!!
If not, call up your local Fidelity or wherever and talk to someone and they’ll walk you through it. Ask your dad for advice on a plan if you’re not sure what to do or like, don’t *really* know what the difference between a 401K and an IRA is (and then LMK what he says, asking for a friend). I think I read somewhere that you should try to contribute 6-10% of each paycheck to your retirement savings, but I can’t find that info now in the 30 seconds I took to Google it so maybe I made that up.
For the record, it’s okay to treat yo’self yourself a little bit, but you ALSO definitely need to start saving for retirement.
As my dad says: Age is temporary, immaturity lasts forever.
Financially Responsible Kisses,
The Betches
Hi Betches,
I have been in a serious relationship with a guy on and off since 2008. We have been steadily dating for the last 4 years and we recently got engaged. Everything was great and I talked about the wedding a lot (what girl wouldnt!?) and he started getting upset. We talked and we argued and thought everything was settled.
A few weeks ago he told me he was going to work on a case with a friend of his (who I know and never liked because she’s super fake) and he left and didn’t call or respond to any of my messages. he called me at 11am and said he’s gonna see some friends and hell see me tonight…. after 8 hours of calling and texting i finally called his friend to be like “where are you” and they said they’re in a hotel and he doesn’t want to talk to me. He never responded until 4am the next day.
He came home the next day saying he had a mental breakdown and that I was the cause of him being upset and having a mental breakdown in a hotel. He blamed me for everything. I left town to heal and then he told me I abandoned him. Everything progressively got worse every single day and I was blamed for absolutely everything. He called me horrible names and said mean things to me all while I was still trying to hear him out.
Anyway, a lot of things escalated and at the end of it he told me he doesnt want a “break” and wants to just break up because I “don’t get it” and I “abandoned him”. Please help me.
I love him. I have loved him for almost 10 years. I imagined my entire life with him and now he is someone I don’t recognize anymore. I know I should walk away, but I just can’t. Please give me your betchiest advice.
Thank you so much.
Dear Molly Jensen,
I called you that because:
As a completely objective third party with absolutely no interest in the matter, I think this guy did you a favor. I think it’s in your best interest to pull a Chris and GET OUT. Sorry for the bad joke, but seriously. Let me break down all the ways in which something is seriously wrong here.
1. He’s disappearing on you for hours/maybe days?—I don’t care what the circumstances are, that is just not ok.
2. He blames you for everything—you cannot cause someone’s mental breakdown (unless you are like, abusing them I guess). But it seems like he just went off, probs did something shady, and then so you don’t get suspicious is turning the blame back around on you so YOU will grovel for HIS forgiveness and forget that he was the one who fucked up in the first place.
3. He’s invalidating your feelings (i.e. “you abandoned me”) and is calling you horrible names and saying mean things to you. Nope, nope, nope.
Look, I can understand on a theoretical level (because I don’t have feelings) that loving someone for 10 years and leaving is incredibly hard. But you guys aren’t even married yet, and he’s already giving you a glimpse of what married life will be like. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Do you really want him disappearing for days and leaving you alone with the kids or whatever and then having the gall to call you a shitty partner when he finally returns? I hope you don’t.
Here’s what you do: Take him at his word and block him on everything. Treat it as if you’re actually broken up. I would bet my entire (meager) retirement plan that he’s not serious about breaking up with you, and this is a manipulation tactic to get you to forget that you were (rightfully) upset about him ghosting on you for days. He’ll be back in a few days or weeks, “graciously” willing to “forgive you” if you just apologize and agree to let him do whatever the fuck he wants with no consequences—don’t fall for it. I would also be willing to bet the same aforementioned sum that this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this, and this is just another in a long line of manipulation.
You know you should walk away, and he’s given you the chance to do it. Take the out.
You Can Venmo Me If I’m Right,
The Betches
