The producers of Southern Charm found the drunkest group of people in the expensive seats at the Kentucky Derby and followed them back to Charleston, South Carolina to make a reality TV show. OK I totally made that up, but you probably straight believed me for a hot second. And let’s be real, would any of us be surprised if that’s how they actually cast the show? Sure, Southern Charm might be like, the crystal meth to Vanderpump Rules’ cocaine, but something’s gotta get us through until the pinnacle of Bravo television comes back. God, I love these confederate kooks, so much so that we felt the need to rank the cast members in order of least loved to most loved based on a number of very scientific and objective criteria.
8. Whitney Sudler-Smith
Let’s be honest, the best thing about Whitney is his mom. We love Patricia, but her son is a dud. The only interesting thing that happened to him all last season was Craig calling him out for lying about his relationship with Kathryn, but Whitney’s not even the first or last person to do that so it was not even interesting. All the men on the show have slept with Kathryn (no slut-shaming) so that doesn’t really make him special in any way. Whitney is the creepy friend you tolerate because his other friends are hot and funny and because he’s the executive producer of the show that keeps you relevant. Also, you’re in South Carolina where it’s like, a million degrees all the time—lose the leather jacket, bro.
7. Kathryn Dennis
Basically, all of the drama on Southern Charm relies on Kathryn and her inability to manage her life and choices. She plays the gold digger well though, right? Like somehow Thomas was dumb enough to get her pregnant not once, but TWICE. If you’re going to dig for gold, you probably should dig for it in the pockets of the dumbest and richest guy in the county, and Thomas for fucking sure has that going for him. Go big or get a job go home, right? Kathryn should be higher on the list because her antics provide the entire plot of this show, but honestly, if you’re rich and educated and you STILL can’t figure out how to not get knocked up (twice), you’re kind of a fucking idiot. Her facial expressions should get their own spot on this list, though, because Kathryn can manufacture more drama into her facial expressions than the rest of these clowns have in their entire bodies.
6. Thomas Ravenel
Thomas is the Peter Pan of frat boys. Sure, he’s a dad now, but he makes his kids live in the guest house with their nanny so they don’t ruin his rugs. WTF. So maybe he’s not Father of the Year. He’s also kind of old to be hitting on 24-year-olds and asking them to take off their tops at afternoon pool parties. But, whatever, his friends seem to like him… most of the time. Like his friend Whitney, Thomas is pretty fucking creepy. And he needs to give the French a rest. WE GET IT, YOU STUDIED ABROAD.
5. Landon Clements
Landon is the nice girl who, for some reason, you still kind of want to be friends with. Like, she’s shady and annoying, but at the same time she’s so helpless that you can’t help but wanting to mother her and help her be a functioning adult. Landon is not the worst because she’s 35 and has an amazing body and a boyfriend 10 years her junior, which we can respect. However, she allegedly started a lifestyle/travel blog that doesn’t seem to actually exist anymore, which is extremely annoying and I’d like all the time I spent watching last season of Southern Charm back. Like, you have the free promotion of Bravo’s airtime and you still can’t figure out how to monetize a travel site? Landon definitely loses major points for being inept—sure, betches may pride themselves on not doing work, but a crucial step in not doing work is having a job at which to avoid responsibilities. Like, that shit is fine when you’re 23, but she’s 35—it’s not cute to be that incompetent anymore. I mean, Lan, you’re a Bravo-lebrity, can’t you just peddle teas and sunglasses on Instagram and call it a day?
4. Craig Conover
I’m kind of lumping Craig and Naomie and their cat all together in one spot because I feel like they come as a package these days. Craig is arguably the hottest dude on the show, even when he’s dressed as a luxury horse jockey for a fashion show. Is Craig always lying about his law school/career/taking the Bar? Sure. He may not be the brightest bulb, but he seems like a good guy despite all that, unlike literally all of his male friends. His cluelessness is also pretty endearing and kind of makes him hotter. Also, he actually doesn’t seem to be too big of a skeeze and Naomie seems chill too—even if she’s always annoyed at him for some reason or another.
3. Shep Rose
This goofy motherfucker has captured our hearts. He may have worn a few too many Speedos in his life, but at least he’s a good time. Shep is rich and no one really knows why or how, but he still just chills at restaurants he owns. Casual. However, just like Landon’s lifestyle blog, we’re still not sure his restaurant is real. However, Shep is a perpetual fuckboy and it’s honestly pretty annoying. Like, okay, you sleep with girls and don’t text them back and are deathly afraid of commitment and that’s your “shtick”—can you be any less original? And can Bravo stop shoving it in our face all the time? Shep is like that guy in your boyfriend’s friend group who tries to get all his wifed-up friends to go to strip clubs all the time and is way too old to be acting like a frat boy, but nobody says anything since they’ve been friends for so long. Hold up, is Shep Barney Stinson? I just blew my own mind. Anyway, despite his fuckboy ways, Shep is like, actually smart and probably not a bad guy to hang out with as long as you’re not fucking him.
2. Patricia Altschul
If it wasn’t for Lisa Vanderpump, Patricia Altschul would be the undisputed Godmother of Bravo. This woman has a martini butler and recently designed a line of caftans with your dog’s face on them. She’s fabulous. Like, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS! She’s the betch to learn from if you want to live a life of leisure and marry rich dudes and have a super mediocre son. Could she be the best cast member on a good day? Sure. But she’s got tough competition—not to mention, she only appears on camera once an episode at most, so she’s more like a supporting character than a full-time cast member. If only she would just be a little more like her West coast counterpart, LVP, and meddle in everybody’s lives a bit more, she’d top this list. But alas, we can’t always get what we want.
1. Cameran Eubanks
Let’s bow down to the real queen of Charleston. Sure, Patricia has some of the greatest betch traits of all time, but Cameran really runs the show. Have you ever noticed how no one really comes for Cam? Yeah, it’s because everyone loves her and would murder you if you talked shit. Cam seems cute and sweet, but she’s not afraid to tell you what she thinks of you. Whether you can’t get your shit together and sleep in too late or are just being too big of a jackass, Cam will let you know—either straight to your face or to the camera. Cam is a master of shadiness because she acts like she’s so sweet and innocent when in reality she talks the most shit out of anybody and is constantly taking shots at all the other cast members with no regard for human life. Yet nobody has ever managed to call her out on it, so clearly she’s doing something right. Cam is probably one of the only Real World alums who has managed to stay somewhat relevant without whoring herself out on The Challenge and all its various spin-offs. That doesn’t really play into her ranking, but we just wanted to mention it because #NeverForget. Anywho, Cam is the prettiest, she actually has a real job in real estate, and she’s a master of talking shit. Therefore she takes the number 1 spot. Case closed.
Also you’ll notice that Austen appears nowhere on this list because Bravo needs to stop making Austen happen. He’s not going to happen.
