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Forget Therapy! Try These Cocktails Inspired By Your Shitty, Toxic Ex

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IDK about you, but nothing brings friends together quite like commiserating about our shitty exes. I think we can agree they seem to all have at least one extremely awful personality trait that tends to stand out among the rest. As if you didn’t already have a good reason for shit talking about them to no avail, we can now thank TikTok for the newest trend: creating cocktails inspired by your ex. So, for the next time the cocktail party plans actually make it out of the group chat, here are some suggestions to mull over.

@moximoments This is your sign to have an ex-boyfriend themed cocktail night🤪🍹🎵:Drama King – @Bellah Mae🎶 #breakuptiktok #exboyfriend #breakups #cocktailnight ♬ Drama King – Bellah Mae

Virgin Ginger Daiquiri

Description: For the redhead who was saving himself for marriage, here’s a twist on a strawberry mocktail!

  • 1/2 cup Frozen strawberries
  • 1 tsp Ginger
  • 2 tbsp Simple syrup

Method: Fill a blender with ice, your dreams of settling down with a “nice boy,” and garnish with a strawberry.

Glass Recommendation:

Break-Resistant Plastic Hurricane Glasses

Dirty Depraved Martini

Description: For the ex who taught you stuff in bed but kink-shamed you when you asked to peg him.

  • 2 oz. of Vodka
  • 0.5 oz. of dry vermouth
  • As much olive brine to suit your level of (warranted) saltiness

Method: Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice. Strain into a martini glass and serve with 3 olives pegged with a cocktail pick that’s more supportive than them anyway.

Glass Recommendation:

The TAG Store Luxe Martini Glasses Set of 4

Evil to the Core Appletini

Description: A little something sour for the ex who puts reality TV villains to shame.

  • 1.5 oz Crystal Head Vodka (because it comes in a cool skull bottle so it makes it extra spooky!)  
  • 1 oz of Green apple schnapps
  • 1 oz of poisoned apple juice
  • 0.25 oz of extra sour lemon juice

Method: Combine the ingredients with a dash of resentment and serve immediately before it goes toxic.

Glass Recommendation:

JoyJolt Afina 4-Piece Cocktail Glasses Set

Miserly Mudslide

Description: Think like a pudding “dirt” cup you would order as a kid but a loser who lives in a high rise in FiDi but never picked up the check. 

  • 1 oz. Vodka
  • 1 oz. Coffee liqueur
  • 1 oz. Irish Cream
  • 1 oz. heavy cream
  • Crumbled sandwich cookies that resemble your hopes of living a financially-stable life

Method: Rim your glass with sandwich cookies. Add the remaining ingredients into a well-funded, I mean, chilled shaker. Strain into the glass and enjoy knowing you bought everything yourself.

Glass Recommendation:

Pasabahce Vintage Coupe Glasses Set Of 4

Ghost Pepper Marg

Description: For the person who ghosted you after three dates.

  • 2 oz. Tequila
  • 1 oz. lime juice
  • 0.5 oz. Orange liqueur
  • 2 Ghost pepper coins, seeds intact

Method: Pour one out for the future you could have had. Or, toast to the fact that you avoided years of tears. 

Glass Recommendation:

Libbey Stemless Margarita Glasses

Gaslighter Gimlet

Description: For the ex who owes you hundreds of dollars in therapy bills and/or hundreds of hours on therapy TikTok.

  • 2 oz. Gin
  • 0.5 oz. Lime juice
  • 0.5 oz. Simple Syrup

Method: Make sure to light this on fire (aka add a candle or two) before serving. 

Glass Recommendation:

Qipecedm 4 Pcs Ribbed Coupe Glasses

“Cereal” Cheater

Description: I recommend Cinnamon Toast Crunch but just go to town with whatever sweet cereal you prefer. You deserve whatever you want after what you had to put up with. 

  • 1.25 cups Your fave cereal
  • 0.5 cup Milk
  • 3 oz. Rum
  • 1 oz. Simple syrup

Method: Take the time to really crush that cereal into tiny, tiny pieces in the palm of your hand. Really grind it into dust and sprinkle what’s left of it on top.

Glass Recommendation:

SuproBarware Cocktail Glasses

Not Enough Passion[Fruit]

Description: For the ex who couldn’t make you cum then cried after you had sex for the first time. 

  • 1.5 oz. Vanilla vodka
  • 0.5 oz. Passion fruit liqueur
  • 1 oz. Passion fruit puree
  • 0.5 oz Simple syrup
  • Champagne for topping

Method: It’s time to mix it up — the drink, I mean.

Glass Recommendation:

UKBLESS Stemless Wine Glasses Set of 4

No More Hanky Panky

Description: We get it, your ex was good in bed. But as Amy Schumer once said, “Best-Sex You’ve-Ever-Had Guy is probably in jail.”  

  • 2 oz. Gin
  • 0.5 oz. Sweet vermouth
  • Lemon twist

Method: A simple combination of gin, sweet vermouth, and a few dashes of breakup sex because you just can’t help yourself.

Glass Recommendation:

Colored Martini Glasses Set of 6

Old Fashioned Asshole

Description: Sure, he opens the door for you and pays for dinner but they’re a horrible misogynist with racist tendencies.

  • 2 oz Bourbon
  • 1 tsp Sugar
  • 3 dashes Angostura bitters

Method: Make sure to add the sugar first to blindside you from the bitterness. Serve straight up like their problematic views.

Glass Recommendation:

KANARS Old Fashioned Whiskey Glasses

Basic Broski

Description: Budlight, that’s it.

Method: Enjoy straight from the can or in a red Solo cup.

Glass Recommendation:

Solo Plastic Party Cups

Abbey Westlin
Abbey Westlin
Abbey Westlin is a self-proclaimed iced coffee enthusiast, practitioner of beauty, and fashion connoisseur. By day, she makes a living by creating Fashion and Lifestyle content for Betches Media. By night, she enjoys cooking intricate meals, sipping a glass (or four) of rosé, and keeping up with the news. Follow her on Instagram @abbey_westlin.
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship content at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.