In case you haven’t heard, Cara Delevingne has a new movie out, and it’s a big fucking flop at the box office. It’s called Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and it looks absolutely terrible. Rihanna is also a supporting character in the movie, and her character is named Bubble, so you have an idea of what you’re in for.
Anyway, Cara decided to sing one of the songs for the soundtrack, and now it has a video to go with it. And they both fucking suck. It’s called “I Feel Everything,” and it basically just sounds like some girl and her guitarist boyfriend “jamming” and “feeling jazzy” around a bonfire or some shit. Cara’s voice is okay, but the song is a waste of time much like my last relationship.
The video features Cara wearing a navy blue suit and a bunch of different wigs, both for no apparent reason. She wears one wig that looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, which is fitting because I would rather give up my legs and voice to an evil sea witch than go see this movie.
Part way through the video, Cara gets covered in a shitload of CGI butterflies, which look about as real as Ludacris’ abs in the “Vitamin D” video (#neverforget). Flubber also makes an appearance, in case you’ve been wondering what he’s been up to in the past 10 years.
Moral of the story: why? Why this movie, why this song, why this video? Also, sorry Cara sweetie, but when you have Rihanna in your movie, you should probably just sit this one out and let her do the soundtrack. Valerian is in theaters now, but you should probably save your money for brunch or some earplugs to wear when this song comes on.
