Uranus Is Bringing The Drama: Your Weekly Horoscopes

Uranus is in town. LOL don’t say that out loud. But that’s basically like when Black Chyna hangs out with The Kardashians, you just know things are going to get a little crazy. Like, it really isn’t good for anyone, yet, we’ll all survive. Since we’re half-way through summer, think of this week as the downhill slide back to reality. You better make the most of it while you have time, right?


So things don’t necessarily start out so smoothly for you this week. On Monday, you’ll suffer from major foot in mouth disorder. You’ll either run your mouth to the wrong person, or say something out loud that you meant to keep in your head. Oh well. All that drama blows over relatively quickly as things are on the mend by Tuesday. Wednesday things are totally back to normal and your most productive day of the week. Don’t worry if your July kind of seems like a wash, August already looks to be way more fun and carefree. You’re welcome.


So most signs are kind of thrown off balance because of the position of Uranus. OK, Uranus jokes will never not be funny. Anyway! Your shit gets the most fucked up because of this stupid planet. Monday through Thursday are looking a little rough. You’re more likely to send an email or text to the wrong person. Maybe hold off on the sexy Snapchats to that special someone until Friday. You’ll probz also be more clumsy and ditzy. Just like, maybe don’t wear white in case you spill your iced coffee all over yourself while driving. Good luck, betch.


Check your bank account like everyday this week. Sure, you usually avoid that at all costs so you can’t see how little money you have, but this week you need to watch where ever dollar is going. There’s a big expense in your near-ish future so if you can cut down on expenses right now, that’d be great. If you have sneaky subscriptions slowly making you poor, or you’re just paying out the ass for a service you don’t use, you need to call and cancel that shit this week. Your future self will be richer and thank you for it.


This week, you’ll feel like you’re going fucking crazy. Like, it’ll seem like every person you know is asking you to make snap decisions. There will be surprises, and you’ll probably just feel generally flustered and restless. The best thing to do is just slow it the fuck down. Don’t fucking pack your schedule to the brim just to fight your FOMO. Take at least a day this week or weekend to just be chill and have nothing on your plate. Start emptying your DVR pregnant with back episodes of Scandal or catch up on The Bachelorette or some shit. You don’t need to be at every party ever. Just calm your tits, k?


You probably have one of those weird feelings like something is out of place or something bad is going to happen. There’s just some unpredictable energy surrounding your sign right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be a paranoid freak, but you can stay on your toes for anyone or anything that seems sketch AF. Wednesday is the best day for you to start planning for the weekend if you want everything to go super smoothly.


You’ve slowly been building resentment for someone you interact with frequently. If you don’t watch it this week, that resentment will explode in a not-so-pretty way. You’re more likely to make a biting comment or just be a general bitch to this person at the beginning of the week, so just avoid whomever it is like the plague. Resist the temptation to get caught up in a super emotional response to things. You’ll feel less testy by Wednesday. Hopefully, the only salt you have by then is on the rim of your margarita.


This is a tricky week for you and people who have some authority over you. Like, don’t try to rock the boat with your parents or bosses. I mean, it’s always probably best to avoid conflict with people who give you money, but especially this week. If you find yourself getting worked up, resort back to the charm and diplomacy Libras are known for. You have the ability to work through your problems, that all just depends on how you respond to the bullshit that comes your way. So just like your mom said to you as you got out of the car to go to third grade: “Make good choices!”


This is the week you might want to take a big break from the socials. You’re more likely to get worked up about politics, religion or something else you have strong feelings about. A poorly thought-out tweet has ruined more careers than cocaine. Ok, I’m not totally sure that’s true, but remember that your internet life can follow you into your real life and really mess up your shit. If you feel like you need to argue with aunt Carole about Donald Trump again, maybe just don’t.


Uranus is creating surprises for most signs this week. (Still funny!) OK, third grade humor aside, be on the lookout for the unexpected. In fact, you should expect the unexpected this week and be prepared for it. You might get blindsided by someone you thought you were close to. You might have big plans fall through. Shit happens, ya know? If you need some good favor with someone, your best day to earn that will be Tuesday. Other than that, I’d say: Trust no bitch.


A big cloud is looming over your closest relationships this week. Be prepared for a storm as conflicts will be nearly impossible to avoid all week long. This influence will be strongest on Monday and Thursday, so if you can avoid all your problems on those two days, everything will probably turn out fine. If not, just be prepared for whatever you’ve been feeling in your heart of hearts to come to fruition. Need to cut it off with a toxic friend? You might as well rip the bandaid off this week. Not feeling it with your current significant other? Cut that cord too. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to turn things around, i.e. fire up Bumble, next week.


As a freedom and justice lover, acts of injustice you see around you this week will really grind your gears. You’ll feel more of an urge to act defiant toward those you see as “The Man”. Your defiance to the status quo has been applauded in the past, but this week, with everyone on edge, it might not be so well received. In order to not get too worked up and shit, take your mind off things with longer lunch breaks with your friends. Accept party invitation and be willing to have a heart-to-heart with a friend who really might need it. Get back on your soapbox next week, tiger.


This might not be your best trait, but you really need to work on your patience this week. If you’re thinking,  “I AM fucking patient!” Then, guess what, you’re probably not. Sorry. It usually doesn’t affect you too much, but this week, in order to avoid MAJOR conflict, you probably need to give yourself a little 1-2-3-4-5 count before responding to some bullshit. You’re more likely to enter total shark mode and bite someone’s head off if you’re not careful. Likewise, try not to overreact to plans changing this week. Pisces tend to get a little emotional when things don’t go their way, so if someone cancels on your or it rains on your parade, just make different plans and don’t take it so fucking personally.

READ: Your Zodiac Moon Sign Is The Key To Understanding Your Poor Life Choices 



The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.