Like every hot betch, you spend your Saturday night out at one of the hottest clubs and score the hottest pro at the bar. In a Coachella-level haze of candy and vodka, you find yourself inching one Loub at a time up five flights of stairs into his apartment.
The next thing you know your clothes are off and you’re lying on his bed while he’s standing over you naked with a fully flaccid penis. The problem is clear. This guy’s dick is having a harder time getting up than your 95-year-old grandmother. You’ve just encountered a case of Putty Penis, commonly referred to by Viagra commercials as Erectile Dysfunction. All of which is still covered by the GOP Health Plan, btw.
Like Silly Putty, this dick is supposed to get hard but for some unnatural reason it just won’t. Unlike indefinitely soft silly putty, Putty Penis cannot be played with among you and your friends. If you thought a hard dick was ugly, Putty P is like something straight out of Saw VII.
There is nothing to think about in this situation. Your only and immediate reaction should be to laugh as hard as you fucking can directly in his face and then RUN AND HIDE. This is NOT your soulmate.
Under no circumstance should you “try to help him out.” As a betch, you are by default hot and amazing and even if this guy was in a coma, you will always be enough to raise his interests. This is a situation that is certainly not like, whatever.
Let’s back up a little and talk about what Carrie Bradshaw might call “The 20-something ED era.” Although we’re not doctors or shrinks, unless you have mucus dripping all over your face from the 8-ball you split earlier, it’s not you, it’s him. No exceptions.
There are various types of ED and some are clearly more disastrous and concerning than others. Let’s discuss the two most common:
The Teenager: This is what most would consider the most benign/acute form of ED and probably what 50% or so of young guys have experienced at one point or another, usually the result of drinking too much and doing too many drugs. If you’re hooking up with a guy and have to question his hardness, this is a clear sign that the only thing that will be getting up is you, off of his couch.
Betches, what we’re describing here is the Teenager. It is not a baby, but not quite adult size. With some nourishment it could develop into its full potential, but then again you also run the risk of having a mouth full of mush. Does this seem like an equal pro/con/pro to you?? We’ve all been through sorority rush, we’re over that shit.
The Noodle: The noodle is a more severe form of The Teenager and could potentially be an actual physical or psychological disorder. There is no doubt in your mind that this guy is not hard and even if you endured enough botox to have the mouth of Uma Thurman, there’s no way this thing is budging.
He’s not hard and you’re aware. Congrats, you’re a fucking scientist. This can be the most annoying kind of ED, because frequently the guy may try to compensate for his “shortcomings” and attempt to:
1. Aggressively dry-hump you while naked and fully soft, continuously thrusting and screaming some form of, “I want to fuck the shit out of you.” *Cringe* or:
2. If he wasn’t raised in the jungle, he will softly cuddle you and rub his soft penis around in circles, in an almost bear hug, a term which we will refer to as noodeling. So don’t fucking lay there and pretend it’s normal, because it’s not. Like those announcements at the airport that never shut the fuck up, if you see something, say something. Noodeling is creepy. Betches don’t eat carbs.
Let’s talk about ED’s perverted cousin, the premature ejaculator. There are few things worse than the 2-minute man who’s delusional enough to think he’s actually good in bed. This guy’s even worse than the embarrassed bro who comes immediately at the touch of your hand down his pants. At least you didn’t fuck this loser.
All these guys will complain about being too drunk, too tired, too stoned blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is it’s 9am and the only thing they have put in their system since 1am last night is your saliva.
Be it a fear of shitty performance, the fact that the sight of your amazing boobs makes him come in 15 seconds, or you’re his unsuccessful beard for the night, it’s not your fucking problem.
As a betch, when presented with any of these non-sticky situations, it’s best to move on right away and focus on guys who are on your level. Even prissy WASP Charlotte MacDougal was not down to deal a guy’s inability to get it up, and he had a fucking Park Avenue apartment.
