It’s almost time for the most absudly amazing summer television series to get its metaphorical ass back on air. That’s right, Bachelor in Paradise returns Tuesday, August 8th and we cannot fucking wait.
ABC released a cast breakdown including some people we knew would be there: Corinne, Raven, Amanda, Alexis, etc. But there are also some pretty notable people missing. Not on the list: The Chad. It doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t be there, just that ABC doesn’t want to give out too many #spoilers. Likewise, what’s Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I. and her crazy crying spells? We might find out this season.
DeMario aka “Ooooh, who’s this?” from Rachel’s season is also set to appear. No word on if Whaboom and Banana Blake are also touching down in paradise, but there’s probably a good chance these two are facing off again in the near future on a TV screen near you.
Most of the other salty singles are from JoJo’s and Nick’s seasons. So who do we think is going to get down and dirty with each other? Below, our soon-to-be completely accurate predictions.
Robby and Raven: They were both runners-up on their respective seasons, so it makes sense that they’ll want some losers’ revenge and get with each other. Plus, girls with asses like Raven’s don’t date guys without abs. Robby certainly has that body thing going for him. Plus, Raven’s from East Bumfuck, Arkansas or something and Robbie is from Florida. They might be drawn to each other with a little bit of southern charm.
DeMario and Corinne: This is a bit of a wild pairing, I know. But think about it. They’re both loudmouths who will bond over being hated on their seasons. Corinne will notice that DeMario is, um, tall, and probably invite him for a tour around her platinum vagine. Plus, after meeting Lexie the ex, we know Demario is into short white girls. See, it’s perfect. You’re welcome.
Ben and Danielle M: Ben Zorn was on Katilin’s season. His Instagram says he’s a personal trainer. Danielle has been in a few country music videos, but was otherwise kind of boring on Nick’s season. I don’t think either of these people stand out because of their personalities, but they seem nice enough. They’re both tall and attractive and polite. It’ll work out.
St. Nick and Kristina: Nick came dressed as Santa on night one of JoJo’s season. Despite his stupid costume back then, he seems like a pretty well-rounded guy. You know, like he hasn’t been ho ho ho-ing around. OK, bad pun. Anyway, Kristina revealed the saddest story of all time on Nick’s season, that she grew up very poor in Russia and was so hungry once that she resorted to eating lipstick. I’m not crying, you’re crying. I think Nick would be a good match for Kristina. She quite literally deserves to be blessed with a good man and they don’t call him “Saint” Nick for nothing.
Vinny and Alexis: Sure, Vinny pretty much got dumped the last time he was on Bachelor in Paradise. This time, I don’t feel like he’ll be looking for love. Instead, he’ll be looking for a good time. That’s the perfect reason he should hook up with Shark/Dolphin Alexis. Alexis is never in a bad mood. She’s the perfect beach buddy. I think they’re both from Long Island or Jersey or somewhere equally trashy. As Tinder proves to us, proximity matters, and you’ll want someone you can send a “U Up?” text to after the show ends.
“Emotional Intelligence” Taylor is also on the show. Even though Blake E. (of Whaboom-hating fame) hasn’t been announced as an actual cast member yet, I feel like these two deserve each other and ABC needs to make it happen. Their hate for someone else got them both kicked off the show, and they’d be miserable together by constantly questioning the other’s motives.
Get pumped, Bachelor/ette nation.