Well, it’s Wednesday night and I’m a bottle of wine in. It’s time to love myself like that Hailee girl told me to and turn on some Are You The One?. Because nothing is better for your self-confidence then to watch other people fail. Miserably.
Last year Sam’s mom got in touch with me and this year it’s Gianna’s brother. Who will be next to defend their loved ones on the recaps? Carolina’s great aunt? Stay tuned!
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Shocker, they all start binge drinking. Can’t wait to see how much weight they all gain by the end of the season.
Little Mike is talking to Casandra about all the things he likes to do. These hobbies include taking long walks on the beach, gelling his hair and taking a daily measurement of his penis. His growth spurt is coming, okay?!
Casandra literally looks like a bobblehead and is like OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
Little Mike: I LOVE LAMP
Mike wants to get to know Cas but also low-key hates her for having a family and being #blessed. He legit calls her a daddy’s girl to her face and she’s not even phased. He starts talking about how his mom is broke and his dad is crazy and I’m like, woah, did I change the channel accidentally to This Is Us? This shit is way too heavy for me rn.
If I could describe the house in three words that they all could understand it would be: Drunk. Horny. Stupid. In that order. Because they aren’t planning on getting a real job any time after this, they decide to throw an underwear party.
Ozzy is like “Kathryn is very sexy, idk what it is about her that I like.” He says as she grinds on him in her underwear. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be that makes you like her?
They start making out and he tells her that tomorrow is his birthday. So obviously she has to have sex with him because of THE IMPLICATION. (Name that reference and I will marry you.)
Tyler and Taylor are both like “hey this underwear party is fucking gross” and I’m like FUCK YA TEAM NORMAL PEOPLE.
Tyler is like “everyone is acting trashy and I’m trying to better myself.” Woah, ok. Profound. Tyler def got lost on the way to Jeopardy auditions and ended up on AYTO. Either that or he’s a fucking narc.
Apparently nothing makes Tyler’s dick harder than belittling the people you live with and he starts making out with Taylor. Overall, v hot couple.
Then the camera pans out to literally everyone just hooking up. Are You the One?, brought to you by Trojan Condoms.
The game starts with everyone being blindfolded and the boys tied up, which is coincidentally also the first scene of Fifty Shades Darker.
The girls have to smell the guys and untie the one they want to take on a date. Because that’s normal. The first three couples to finish go on a date.
The girls start sniffing and falling more than cokeheads at an EDM concert.
Kari has some big-ass eyes so every time she talks she looks fucking crazy. Actually, she kind of looks like me when I’m high but I’m pretending that I’m not high so I’m overly opening my eyes. Idk, just trying to create a visual.
Kari’s like “I STUDIED NEUROSCIENCE ONCE IN COLLEGE, PHEROMONES ARE REAL.” Yeah, no one said they weren’t…#Science.
KARI: This one time, in my neuroscience class
Kari picks Joey the trashman, who I thought smells like shit but I guess not.
Hannah picks Tyler and is like “wow, this blindfold makes it so hard to see. I totally respect blind people.” Wow, I’m sure blind people everywhere feel so fucking complimented. Like “look mom, that girl on TV understands my daily struggle for 3 minutes!”
They can still hear you being a dumbass, you know.
Alicia smells Andre because he, and I quote, “smells like Fritios.” This is like the cheapest advertisement Fritos has ever had. Also, Andre it’s time to get some new cologne.
Andre/Alicia, Joey/Kari and Hannah/Tyler all win and they are going to go windsurfing. Thrilling.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Gianna apologizes to Hayden for being a low-key bitch last week and he’s already well settled into his home on friendzone island.
Michael walks by and Gianna is like hanging on Hayden. Michael is very over it and Gianna is like HE’S MY MATCH I KNOW IT. Fuck, okay.
Kam and Eddie are flirting and being cute and idk I like them so they better not fuck this up for me.
MY MOM: I like the girl with the grey-ish, purple-ish hair
ME: Literally their names are at the bottom of the screen.
Carolina is very upset that Joey the trashman is going on a date with KARI (her name will be in all caps now because her eyes just make me feel some type of way). Carolina starts crying and she’s like “if you’re not my match what is my purpose?!” In the distance you can hear me screaming “IT’S WEEK TWO YOU DUMB BITCH.”
Andre is the only one who can windsurf and Hannah’s like “oh Daddy.” In the words of our President-Elect, everyone else is a bunch of losers. Huge losers! Failing at wind surfing! All talk, no action!
KARI is being really nice to Joey and saying he’s fun and she’s excited to be there and he’s like “ACTUALLY I’m into Carolina.” Woah. Okay, I know KARI may kind of look like Crazy Eyes but she seems nice and she’s actually being genuine. So in my drunken state rn I am very mad for her.
Joey has officially moved to my shit list. And I don’t even mean that because he’s a trashman. Where he quite literally has to pick up shit. Get it? I’ll see myself out.
Andre and Alisha seem to be getting along but IDK, they kinda act like little children. They talk a big game about how they are really into each other but I just can’t see it. And I’m pretty much a fucking expert at this show.
And none for Tyler and Hannah, bye!
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Andre and Alicia to the booth because the house isn’t fully brain-dead. Everyone Is like “THEY ARE SO STRONG! THEY’RE IN LOVE AFTER A WEEK.”
See, you say strong, I say fucking crazy.
And guess what, I’m right motherfuckers—NO MATCH.
Alicia starts crying and saying she doesn’t want to be here. Damn, okay then fly tf outta here, what?
Hannah is like “HEY I KNOW YOUR HEART JUST BROKE, BUT I’M GONNA GO AFTER ANDRE.” It’s all about the subtle game. Hannah, could you like, chill your hoe ass down for a sec?
Hannah and Andre are talking and he’s like “I knew we weren’t a match” and I’m everyone at home is like wait… you just told Alicia… man, that’s fucked up.
Andre and Hannah start making out because #drama.
Alicia starts flipping the fuck out and is like “YOU’RE A LIAR AND A FLIRTER AND A MINGLER!!!”
What’s a mingler? Just someone who mingles? I feel like that’s real nondescript. I’m going to need a full definition plz. DM me.
Andre’s like “THESE GIRLS ARE CATCHING FEELINGS!” Uh, it’s not just girls. Joey’s over here acting like a baby back bitch.
Hoes, am I right?
The boys get to pick tonight and this ought to be a shit show because none of them strike me as scholars.
Oswaldo picks KARI. Random, don’t care.
Ozzy picks Kathryn because he wants that birthday sex. Ozzy’s like “she makes me feel like home.” Uh, Ozzy that’s because you are home. You’re a local, your house is like, down the street.
Jaylen picks Kam, fucking up the thing she had with Eddie.
Eddie picks Shannon, womp womp.
Derrick pity picks Alicia.
Hayden, who is sporting a pair of capris, picks Taylor. Obviously Taylor wants to be with Tyler so this is def a surprise. She actually says those exact words and Hayden has now purchased a summer home on friendzone island.
Tyler says something fucking stupid about how “Hayden is doing him a favor”? Idk his foot is so far up his mouth and Taylor’s like 3 seconds away from putting her foot in his ass. So much for team normal.
Andre picks Hannah. Alicia is like “IT IS WHAT IT IS” but also wants to murder Hannah.
Michael caves and picks Gianna. WTF.
Joey picks Carolina and they kiss because THEY ARE DUMB THAT’S WHY.
Mike picks Casandra because she’s his uptown girl.
Tyler picks Tee and they both are like, “Welp. Fuck me right?”
Okay, so this is sketch. Not looking so hot for them rn.
We’re waiting for beams and I’m drinking, thinking “no fucking way are they going to blackout. It’s only week 2.” But in the words of President-Elect: The polls were wrong! The experts were wrong! Sad!
And yes, THEY BLACKOUT.
They all lost half a million dollars. I’m laughing but it’s a nervous laugh because now they all are going to be on suicide watch or something.
Everyone has to deal with the fact that the person they are with is not their match. No Mike/Cas, Ozzy/Kathryn, Gianna/Michael, Joey/Carolina or Hannah/Andre. WOW. Major blow. I’m loving this.
A sad song starts playing and people start crying. Damn, this just got as depressing as Mike’s family life.