Applebee's Is Trying To Kill Us All

If Applebee’s isn’t already on your list of happy hour hot spots, you might want to rethink your life. You may remember—or not, depending on whether or not you partook—their $1 margarita deal that lasted through October. Well, betches, Applebee’s is now taking The War On Your Liver one step further by offering $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the entire month of December. I know. Just let that sink in.

The Applebee’s Long Island Iced Teas, which they are calling L.I.T.s, after how fucked up you’ll be once you have one, are a mix of vodka, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, with a splash of cola and a dash of your worst self. For those of you who aren’t “math people”, that’s a full 1.5 ounces of hard alcohol per drink. So yea, you’re going to want to delete your ex’s number before partaking. Or not, depending on how much you want to fuck up your life.

Vice President of Beverage Innovation at Applebees (a real job I just learned about today) Patrick Kirk described the drinks as “kind to your pocketbook and a great drink to share with old friends and new ones this holiday season.” Translation: a great way to black the fuck out and fuck up your relationships before you have to buy presents for people.

TBH, I feel irresponsible for even alerting the public to this deal. No good can come of it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Google “Applebee’s in my area” ASAP.