Men Are The Reason Women Are Depressed, Report Finds

Apparently, there’s such a thing as a yearly “State of Our Happiness” report. And Americans really shit the bed in 2016 at being happy (shocker) with only 69 percent claiming to be happy.

“Happiness in the US is on the decline. Overall, happiness is equivalent to a D+ in school,” said Chuck Bolton, the author of the study.

To find this number, Bolton and his science people interviewed 1,461 people via an online survey. They were asked to rate their happiness on the usual shit: money, family, health and fitness, significant others, etc. And while basically every aspect of these random humans’ lives sucked, the question that garnered the least favorable responses (especially for women) was their significant other.

If we trust our fellow survey-takers, men not only suck now, they will suck even more as we age. Women are already dissatisfied with their partners at our age (only 71% reported satisfaction) but that satisfaction number drops 15 points among Generation X (56%). The beauty of aging.

Well color me fucking shocked. You mean men don’t suddenly become amazing and supportive partners as we get older? Damn. Really throwing me for a loop here.

Despite all the doom and gloom, millenials appear to be the happiest of all of the other depressed generations with 75% happiness. Which is still a failing grade for all of us who are too far removed from the beautiful years of college to remember happiness.

Yay. I need a fucking cocktail.

Everything Sucks