Let’s just be honest here: 2024 has been kind of a shitshow. The pressure of reacting to multiple international humanitarian crises has become the weighted blanket I never asked for. Cardi B’s philosophical motto “A hoe never gets cold” is actually true now because it’s hot as hell in October nationwide. And the fate of democracy rests in the hands of the country that elected a fascist over a woman eight years ago. So, needless to say, the world needs a little healing, and Carrie Bradshaw defending womankind as a childless cat lady ain’t gonna cut it. There is, however, another fictional TV character that could actually save the day if she was real. Alex Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place (who is a true Disney betch if I ever saw one) is back on the air, y’all! I watched Wizards Beyond Waverly Place just to try to feel something and shockingly, it worked. The show focuses on Justin mentoring a promising young female wizard named Billie who is prophesied to save the world, all while breaking the news to his family that he’s secretly been a wizard all along. Alex’s return in the pilot got me thinking… do you know how much damage control we could do with a rule-breaking witch with an all-powerful wand?! Join me as I maladaptive daydream about every problem Alex Russo’s magic should fix in 2024.

If you used to dance to the theme song every episode like I did, you’ll remember you have to be careful with magic because “When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams, you might run into trouble if you go to extremes.” Therefore, none of these are going to be about the big ticket items of world peace, stopping war, or curing world hunger because even if the imaginary world shit just ain’t that easy.

Every Problem Alex Russo Should Fix In 2024

Bethenny Frankel’s TikTok

There are multiple ways Alex’s magic could fix the travesty that is Bethenny Frankel’s TikTok. She could turn Bethenny’s fingers into eels every time she clicked on the app. She could change Bethenny’s voice to a frog’s croak every time B went to film on front-facing camera. She could even make Bethenny turn invisible on mobile devices, full stop. However you have to do it, Alex, please hurry! This is a crisis.

Overpriced Toiletries And Makeup For Women

The price of shampoo is too damn high!!! It’s not fair I have to fork over heaps of rent and pay the pink tax on necessities at the same damn time. Alex a flick of Alex’s wand could make it so that small bottles and tubes (I’m talking mascara, shaving cream, toothpaste, everything) automatically refill with our menstrual cycles.

Stop Selenator’s Conspiracy Theories

I’m sick of hearing Selena Gomez’s name any time Hailey Bieber breathes online, and I’m sure Selena is too. Selena is basically engaged and Hailey is literally the mother of Justin’s child, so I’m going to need you little weirdos to drop it, okay? Since that doesn’t seem to be possible, I’ll need Alex Russo to cast a tongue-twisting spell where anytime a stan tries to say these two women’s names in the same sentence they simply cannot get it out.

A Real Hangover Cure

Why haven’t scientists put more time into this??? I truly believe there is a cure out there, but since NASA is too busy trying to get to Jupiter or whatever, how sick would it be if Ms. Russo concocted a potion of werewolf whiskers, troll tears, and unicorn vomit to stop three glasses of wine from ruing my work week.

Eliminating Dating Apps

As a single certified singleton, I can attest the most annoying part of trying to date is that the minute you announce you’re looking, everyone expects you to hop on the dating apps. Meanwhile, these same people think because they’re wifed up now you forgot their haunting Hinge horror stories. Why should I have to battle through psychopathic losers like Hermoine, Ron, and Harry on that sentient chessboard just to get a decent date? Alex Russo could cast a recurring spell over metropolitan cities with troubling M/F ratios every Friday night that made all the single people glow an attractive shade of pink so we could actually meet in person like everybody dreams of.