Okay, we’ve been talking about how problematic Love Actually is for, like, a decade now. But, throughout the countless podcasts and treatises analyzing each of the film’s many flaws, I have yet to see anyone point out a major, hidden plot point of the movie: Keira Knightley and Chiwetel Ejiofor’s wedding was just the absolute worst. (Yes, yes, their characters have names, but I’ll give you $1,000 and a truly hideous gold heart necklace if you could name even one character from the movie without checking IMDB.)
No matter how many invitations got lost in the mail, or how many guests canceled at the last minute, take solace in knowing that your wedding will never be as bad as this sure-to-be-doomed fictional couple’s. Let’s put aside the fact that, one, Keira Knightley was basically a child bride — the girl was 18 at the most, and only five years older than fellow child actor Thomas Brodie-Sangster, as so many BuzzFeed lists have told me. But frankly I’m more concerned that Keira needed to fire her wedding planner.
Yet, if we trust Love Actually (which we really shouldn’t — “At Christmas, you tell the truth” is not a thing, nor has it ever been a thing), this terrible wedding leads to, well, love, actually. Or, more accurately, unyielding creepiness and marathon fucking in the Midwest. So, whatever goes wrong at your wedding, don’t fret — you might just be setting up storylines for all the supporting characters at your big event. Just keep an eye on that best man.
Catering and Wait Staff
As we learn from Colin, Nancy the Caterer served food that looked like a “dead baby’s finger.” The exact kind of pick-up line one would expect from a man who calls himself “God of Sex.” (Mr. God of Sex also seemingly fails to serve anyone he doesn’t find attractive. Yay, men.) Colin’s experience with the caterer appropriately drives him to explore the great state of cheese, Wisconsin, where he finds a divey bar and a sheet of fringe played by Denise Richards.
Pacing
There was enough dead time for Colin Firth to go all the way home and discover his wife/GF sleeping with his brother. (That is not how we transition between ceremony and cocktail hour, people!) Thankfully, Colin Firth’s mid-wedding home visit drives him to France, where he falls for a Portuguese maid, but only after he and Love Actually’s cinematographer zoomed into her lower back tattoo. (#Romance.)
Music
Rick Grimes confides in Laura Linney that the DJ (wearing a “Motörhead” tee-shirt at a wedding!!!) is the worst in the world. I mean, “Puppy Love” and “Bye Bye Baby”?! Who hurt this man?
Videography
Despite it being 2003, the videographer still couldn’t get footage that wasn’t “all blue and wibbly,” according to Keira Knightly. Petition to bring “wibbly” to this side of the pond.
Wedding Party
There really should be a whole “no stalkers” rule when it comes to the entire invite list, let alone the best man, right? Rick Grimes’ horror-worthy obsession with Keira Knightley (seriously, this scene should be paired with the Halloween soundtrack) drives him to travel to her home to profess his love with a series of placards in a scene that we all thought was romantic in 2003 when we didn’t know better and crushed on Wilmer Valderrama. If not for this terrible, awful wedding, these characters would have no plot points, and we would have no holiday movie to criticize year in and year out. So, thank you? I guess.
