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A Bro’s Breakdown Of Clayton’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants

By Jared Freid | January 4, 2022
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Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V.

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (past seasons are in my highlights).

Clayton

Clayton Echard was chosen as the Bachelor before Michelle’s season even started, and nobody was happy. And by “nobody,” I mean “the internet.” The internet wasn’t happy because you’re only rewarded on the internet for extremes. So they have to go one way or the other. And which way were they going on the white guy who looks like he invented privilege? You guessed it, they hated him.

Personally, I’m excited to have Clayton as the Bachelor, because I watch this show for entertainment purposes, and you know what’s really entertaining? Watching a bunch of women fight over a guy. That sounds bad. I know. But I have a feeling you watch it for that reason too. And look at this line from Clayton’s bio:

“You can often find him there tubing out on the boat, fishing off the dock or getting competitive over some cornhole with his friends.”

That line is everything that would make a woman at a Toby Keith concert wet. And have you ever seen the women at a Toby Keith concert?!? They’re the type to say, “I just want a man who can sink a bean bag into my cornhole” and then wink at you, chug a Coors from their koozie, and turn to burp on a cop. Clayton’s musk could turn one of these put-together ladies into that Toby Keith cigarette woman, and I’m kind of excited for that.

Jesse Palmer

Jesse Palmer is our new host. Jesse looks like he trains young men working in finance how to mansplain. I’m happy to have Jesse. Kaitlyn and Tayshia were there to find their next job, and I felt Chris Harrison was too old to host the show five years ago. He went from wingman to dad who takes too much interest in your friend’s dating lives VERY quickly. Jesse is old enough to be a big brother type but young enough to look cool giving a high five (high fives made Chris look like he should be put into a nursing home). He was also the Bachelor way back in 2004, when most of these contestants were babies. Back when their parents would pray for them to one day compete with 29 other women to marry a middle-class guy from Missouri. I’m excited to watch Jesse react to the differences on the show now that a woman could be there for love or to legitimately start their own multimedia empire.

Cassidy

Cassidy is a 26-year-old executive assistant from Los Angeles who looks like the older sister from a CW high school drama. Her profile starts by saying she’s a “blunt woman who isn’t afraid to say how she feels or do what she wants.” which vaguely translates to, “I’m mean to service workers on a regular basis and I consistently tell people that they don’t get my sarcasm but enough mediocre dudes in fleece vests think I’m attractive to never realize this is an issue.”

Claire

Claire is a 28-year-old spray tanner from Virginia Beach who looks like she married a guy whose daughters are her age. Claire is a single mother whose bio says, “People who don’t wear deodorant make Claire angry.” Something about that makes me feel like Claire participates in many Facebook comments sections by stating, “AS A MOTHER…” and then she goes on some long-winded, racially driven rant about how “THESE PEOPLE” don’t wear deodorant.

Daria

Daria is a 24-year-old law student from New York who got admitted to seven Ivy League schools, is a graduate of Harvard, and is now in her third year of law school at Yale. Daria is kind of patient zero for the racial problems on this show. She’s on this show after being admitted to SEVEN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS!!! I think that’s all of them, but I’m too dumb to know and too lazy to find out. The white people cast on this show are like, “I spray tan.” And the casting people are like, “Right this way!” Daria should be running the network instead of competing against someone who’s been admitted into seven nightclubs in Montauk because their dad knows the owner.

Eliza

Eliza is a 25-year-old from Berlin who looks like a former Disney Channel star whose new pop song makes me look 1000 years old when I lip sync it. Eliza’s profile says that she “was a late bloomer when it came to dating and spent her adult years prioritizing work over love.” Can people under the age of 30 stop talking about themselves like they’re a 60-year-old CEO who never leaves the office?! Because there’s a 36-year-old out there who is on multiple apps who has made love a priority for almost a decade who just had someone they were having a nice conversation with ask for their Snapchat handle.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 32-year-old Real Estate Advisor from Colorado who looks like an ESPN sideline reporter your boyfriend follows a little too closely on Instagram. Her profile says she “has a taste for the finer things in life.” You can’t be over 30 and have a taste for the finer things and compete on this show. Elizabeth will have to be “on” and energetic while living with a roommate in a mansion full of women in their twenties and not a lot of bathrooms. And those women won’t be phased. They just spent a weekend in Vegas sharing a room with six friends while sleeping on a pile of clothes like a cat. The Bachelor will eat you up if you’ve ever stayed at a hotel with a turn-down service.

Ency

Ency is a 26-year-old sales manager from Burbank who loves the ocean. Her bio says, “nothing makes Ency happier than spending a day by the sea, splashing around and enjoying the sun.” This is actually helpful information. I’ve splashed enough women I’ve been involved with to know that there are “hair wet” women and “Don’t you fucking get my hair wet! I came into the ocean to gently squat while peeing and this joke isn’t funny at all” women. So, this might be a good addition to any dating app bio for anyone out there listening.

Gabby

Gabby is a 30-year-old ICU Nurse whose bio says it’s a “nonnegotiable” that her and her goldendoodle Leonardo are a package deal. Dog people are out of their minds. In what world is someone turning down the love of their life because of their dog? He’s like, “I’m sorry Gabby! But your furry friend who gives me love for no reason CANNOT STAY!!” And cue your friend who’s like, “Well my ex left because he couldn’t handle the dog” whose ex now probably has a dog with their fiancé.

Genevieve

Genevieve is a 26-year-old bartender from LA who looks like a Genevieve. Her bio says she “wants someone who won’t be afraid to admit that they are wrong or change their personality when they are “bro-ing out” with the guys.” That sounds like she’s talking specifically about the last guy she dated. Like, I bet that ex is reading that while wearing a lacrosse pinnie as a guy he calls “Doodie” tosses him a High Noon and they collectively agree, “She was always crazy.” And then they arm wrestle.

Hailey

Hailey is a 26-year-old pediatric nurse from Orlando who looks like she has a Bible verse in her Instagram bio. Hailey says that she’s Taylor Swift’s biggest fan. So I guess I’m right about her Instagram and we can assume we pretty much know everything about this person who definitely loves putting her hair in a French braid.

Hunter

Hunter is a 28-year-old human resources specialist who looks like she loves bringing up high school memories you’d rather forget. Hunter used to work at Disney World as a princess, and that has to be the worst job in the world. Imagine it’s YOUR JOB to play along with an adult who loves Disney. They’re like, “Cinderella!! Put them together and what have you got!?!?!” and you have to look at a woman in her 30s wearing mouse ears, who traveled to Orlando alone, and sing, “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.” I’d walk directly into the teacups.

Ivana

Ivana is a 31-year-old Bar Mitzvah dancer from Queens. I’ve never been more embarrassed by a Bachelor contestant’s job. As a Jew who had dancers at his own Bar Mitzvah, there is nothing that makes me cringe more than having to explain the Bar Mitzvah dancers. Like, I’m sure someone reading this is thinking, “What’s a Bar Mitzvah dancer?!?!” Well, when a Jewish boy or girl becomes an adult, their parents throw them a party. Now, us Jews aren’t known for our “moves.” So to get the party going, some people hire men and women in their 20s to dance like they’re at the Knicks game. So now it’s older Jews dancing badly surrounding young hot people dancing seductively while 13-year-old boys and girls realize their dads look kind of creepy. It’s the part of the Torah I never understood. And if you had an issue with my people before reading my explanation, then this didn’t help.

Jane

Jane is a 33-year-old social media director from LA who says she’s “done dating F boys.” This is the declaration of someone who will definitely date more “F boys.” Like, a person who learns from the past will be like, “I need to make these changes to put myself in a better position to meet the right type of person for me.” The person who doesn’t learn screams “NO FUCKBOYS” as they respond with a blushing emoji to a fire emoji they received at 3am.

Jill

Jill is an architectural historian from Rhode Island. I would LOVE to hear an architectural historian talk about the Bachelor mansion 30 years from now: “On this ground stands the Bachelor mansion! Back in the early part of the century, truckloads of hair extensions and fake nails passed through these doors. 24-year-old men and women said they were ready for marriage even though they didn’t seem to have real jobs. And a record amount of semen got released here while both parties wore a cross.”

Kate

Kate is a 32-year-old real estate agent from Lake Hollywood, California whose bio says, “Kate’s moon/rising sign is Leo, which she says speaks for itself.” I’m not here to hate on people who enjoy astrology. I’m a fan of a show where you have to believe that someone can get engaged to someone whom they’ve never seen use their phone. We all have our fantasies. But Kate can say “it speaks for itself” because nobody has ever disagreed with someone’s self-description based on astrology. We all just kind of nod and wait for the conversation to be interesting. She could say “You know us Leos! We love farting and then smelling it and guessing which meal it came from.” And I wouldn’t ask more questions. I’d just nod and think, “Wow, Kate and I have a ton in common!”

Kira

Kira is a 32-year-old physician from Philly who is so good looking that if she were my doctor I’d lie about my weight and general health to try and get her to like me. Her bio says “taught herself to write hieroglyphics as a child.” That would be the scariest thing I can think of happening as a parent. Your kid is playing with crayons and they’re like “Daddy look!” And you’re like “Good job!! Ummm what is this?! Why are these good?! Have you been possessed?! Why do you know how to summon King Tutankhamun?! Please don’t murder me!! Let’s get ice cream! Whatever you want!”

Lindsay D

Lindsay D is a 27-year-old neonatal nurse from Jacksonville who won Miss Teen America at age 17. Having a former Miss Teen America as your nurse when you’re giving birth feels like a mean prank. Like, “Hey! I know you’re stressed and you don’t feel very beautiful today and the wall between your anus and vagina is about to break so meet your nurse Lindsay who is not only hot but is going to explain how we can fix global poverty.”

Also, I truly can’t imagine being told I’m the hottest teen in America and then trying ever again. I’d get to college and the teacher would be like, “Do you have the homework?” And I’d be like, “Hey baby girl, you know this face ain’t doing math.” Then I’d show my abs and walk out. I guess that’s the reason there aren’t male beauty pageants. I mean, look how we act on dating apps just because our moms said we looked handsome when we wore a suit.

Lyndsey W

Lyndsey W is a 28-year-old industrial sales representative from Houston who looks like a human embodiment of “Bless your heart.” Lyndsey’s bio says “she is much more of a Baby Spice than a Sporty Spice.” Nothing makes me happier than knowing there are still adults describing themselves in Spice Girls. Also, thank GOD I wasn’t in the Spice Girls. Someone had to go around the room and look at a person and be like “Oh you’re scary!” And then they just had to deal with it. I’d be sitting there like “What’s mine?!” And the manager would be like “Chubby Spice” and I’d be like “No, wait! What about..” and they’d be like “Nope! Sorry. We already made the posters!”

Mara

Mara is a 31-year-old entrepreneur from New Jersey who looks like she plays a lawyer in a CBS drama. Mara’s bio says that “snoring is a deal breaker.” I honestly don’t buy many dealbreakers I hear from people. They’ll be like “If you clap when the plane lands then I AM OUT,” and five years later they’re engaged to a guy who dresses for dates like he’s about to play golf and actively tells people he’s “not about that going down on women stuff.” Listen, if you’re going down on me, give a standing O when the plane lands! I’ll be right next to you clapping for a whole different reason 😉.

Marlena

Marlena is a 30-year-old from Virginia Beach who competed for Haiti during the 2012 summer Olympics. I’d love to date an Olympian. I don’t think they’d like dating me. Whenever they did something great I’d play their national anthem. I’d ask people we meet to guess which one is the Olympian and then start flexing. I’d make myself a medal for being the best climaxer and wear it after sex. Maybe I’ll make this my new dating app bio and never meet someone again.

Melina

Melina is a 27-year-old personal trainer from West Hollywood who created a shock absorbing workout shoe that she’ll definitely be wearing when she comes out of the limo. I’m ok with that! I’d rather someone come on the show with their honest to god invention than be like, “I’m looking for love for now and eternity!” And then a week after they’re booted they’re on Instagram stories pushing “For now and eternity” t-shirts that accompany their “For now and eternity” podcast that precedes the post saying, “Big news coming from the for now and eternity team! Stay tuned!”

Rachel

Rachel is a 25-year-old flight instructor from Clermont, Florida who says she could live off of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, which is actually important to know in a dating situation. You have to be a stomach match with your partner. Like, Rachel and I are not a match. She seems nice, but if I even smell a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto then I’ll be on the toilet for a week and I’ll be moaning like an orca from the pain my stomach is in. This should be on all dating apps. Just a pepper emoji followed by a whale emoji to signify your life could be ruined by a Cheeto.

Rianna

Rianna is a 26-year-old registered nurse from Dallas who looks like she gets hired to appear at parties as a Chrissy Teigen lookalike. Rianna’s profile says she’s looking for a man who “loves to travel and bonus points for a man who loves hiking as much as she does.” It is so much easier to find someone when you enjoy healthy activities. Like, “Let’s go on a hike” sounds so much better than, “Bonus points to anyone who doesn’t change their clothes for a week and can’t remember the last time they went outside!”

Salley

Salley is 26 and her job says, “Previously Engaged.” The bio goes on to say that she’s a spine surgery robot operator. How is that the order of how she’s described?! I’m sure having an engagement broken off is a horrible process, but does it become your scarlet A? “Previously Engaged” makes it sound like she walks around wearing a black hooded cloak and a candle and when you say hi to her she’s like, “I used to know love… I used to know about being registered at Bloomingdales… but all of that is lost.” I bet you her former fiancé is like, “Hey! I’m Rick! I work in finance. I’ve dated around but nothing has ever gotten too serious!” And Salley is out here introducing herself as “SALLEY PREVIOUSLY ENGAGED AND NOW UNLOVED AND BACK ON THE DATING APPS MAIDEN NAME.”

Samantha

Samantha is a 26-year-old occupational therapist from San Diego whose picture looks like you’d sign it on the way into her Bat Mitzvah. Samantha’s bio says she has gone skydiving 12 times. If you’re not a skydiving instructor then I have to wonder what’s wrong with you after the third time. First time? Sure. Something new. I get it. Second time? Maybe it’s a new group to enjoy it with. Third time? You’re feeling out a career change that involves skydiving. On number four? I’m asking you if everything is ok at home. Are you running from something? Is this what’s keeping you off of hard drugs? I hope Samantha finds happiness without jumping from a plane one day.

Sarah

Sarah is a 23-year-old wealth management advisor from NYC who loves taking trips to the spa, growing her nonprofit, and hosting dinner parties. This all means Sarah grew up rich. Show me a 23-year-old with the ability to host a dinner party at their NYC apartment and I’ll show you their parents who pay the rent. If I had a dinner party at my NYC apartment it would be three people huddled around the toilet with the seat down and two candles on it.

Serene

Serene is a 26-year-old elementary school teacher from Oklahoma City who says she “loves to spend time relaxing with close friends or planning her next big adventure.” If I’ve learned anything from the dating apps it’s that the least adventurous people use the word “Adventure.” They’ll be like “I’m planning my next adventure!” And you’ll be like “Oh really?” And they’ll be like “I’m staying at an Airbnb in Charlotte to visit my grandma.” And you’ll be mad at yourself for not realizing this when their profile still talked about study abroad even though they’re 30.

Shanae

Shanae is a 29-year-old recruiter from Sycamore, Ohio who “loves Christmas so much that she keeps her tree up all year round.” Nope. That’s not someone I’m dating. I love Christmas. It has its place. I’m not walking into the living room hungover in the dead of summer and getting pricked in the foot by some loose pine needles. Do the lights come off?! Does she water a tree?!? Is there an actual date where she’s with a guy and she stops everything to be like, “Oh my god! I forgot to water the tree!” And the guy is like “What tree?!” And she’s like “My Christmas tree!” And he’s like “Isn’t it June?!”

Sierra

Sierra is a 26-year-old recruiting coordinator from Dallas whose bio says, “please be clean because Sierra has no time for anyone with bad hygiene.” I think “bad hygiene” would be the most embarrassing reason for someone to leave the show. The phrase is scientific enough for us to believe it and vague enough for us to make our own assumptions. Like if Sierra got sent home and they did an exit interview and she said, “It would’ve never worked out. Clayton has some bad hygiene” then we’d all assume Clayton has dirty fingernails and we’d never be able to watch the show without thinking about it. In fact, I now need to see Clayton’s fingernails due to this hypothetical.

Susie

Susie is a 28-year-old wedding videographer from Virginia Beach who is a Jiu-Jitsu champion and also won Miss Virginia in 2020. That sentence is why the whole pageant world is insane. They not only have to be beautiful but they also have to become experts in some random hobby. Susie was like “I gotta stand out!” And then she opted for learning how to rip out someone’s jugular with her pinky. If I entered a pageant my special talent would be looking at Instagram, then Facebook, then TikTok, then email, then Twitter, then Instagram again while sitting in front of my laptop with Instagram opened on the browser.

Teddi

Teddi is a 24-year-old surgical unit nurse from Highland, California who looks like she calls everyone she’s ever met her best friend. Teddi’s bio says that she “grew up in a strict Christian household” but “she lives by her own rules” which is the scariest thing a strict Christian father can hear in their daughter’s Bachelor profile. But honestly, nobody is less rebellious than a person who grew up in a strict house and thinks they’re being rebellious. They’ll be like, “Let’s get wild” and you’ll be like, “YES!” And they’ll be like, “Let’s cuss and makeout!” And you’ll be like “Oh” as you re-buckle your belt.

Tessa

Tessa is a 26-year-old human resources specialist from Stamford, Connecticut who loves grand romantic gestures and has a fear of red fruits (I’m not making this up). I thought of how annoying that combo would be for a guy who is really trying to impress Tessa. Imagine he’s like, “Ok, I’ve got the reservations! I’ve got the flowers! I’ve got the hotel!!” And then they have this amazing night. They’re making out after dinner as they head to the suite. They open the door. They make their way to the bed. It’s then when they see the concierge left them complimentary champagne and… oh no… strawberries. Tessa starts freaking out. She’s like “You know I’m afraid of red fruits!! You never listen!! I let it go when you ordered the caprese salad because some people forget that a tomato is a fruit! BUT I NEVER FORGET WHEN THOSE RED FRUITS HAUNT MY DREAMS!!” Then Tessa leaves and this guy has to explain to his parents why they broke up.

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; ABC/Pamela Littky; ABC/Ricky Middlesworth (31)

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