We’re all aware that it’s been deemed a brat summer, thanks to Charlie XCX. But for those who are into BDSM, being a brat isn’t just a summer trend — it’s a lifestyle. When Charlie XCX described a “brat,” she said, “You’re that girl who is a bit messy and loves to party and maybe says dumb things sometimes. She’s honest, blunt, and a little bit volatile. That’s Brat.” You might find yourself in this definition, or you might not. But regardless of how relatable it is, it is very different than what “brat-flavored” BDSM is like. When you’re a brat in the BDSM terms of the word, you’re not messy, dumb, or volatile — you’re calculated, consensual, and a lot more “controlled” than you’d think. I spoke with a sexpert on everything to know about embracing your inner “brat” kink.
What Is a Brat In BDSM?
Being “bratty” in relation to sex is far from a new concept — power dynamics like this have been around basically for as long as sex experimentation has. Angie Rowntree, founder and director of ethical-porn site Sssh.com tells Betches, “‘Brat’ in a BDSM context refers to a submissive who deliberately provokes the dominant with ‘bad behavior’ — and the dominant relishes administering ‘punishments’ to reprimand the sub for being a brat.”
You’re probably thinking, well that doesn’t sound very controlled at all — but think again. Rowntree explains that no matter how much a brat “acts” up to their dom, the behavior is still always within the realm of limits set by both the dom and the sub together. “Engaging in safe, sane, and consensual BDSM play means that bratty subs (and their strict dominants) act within pre-established parameters and boundaries, which they negotiate before play time,” she says.
Rowntree explains that this could look like un-making the bed or refusing a dom’s commands. But of course, this can only happen in a safe environment if a safe word is established and both partners are aware of each other’s limits.
Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual wellness brand and retailer Lovers, clarifies that while a brat is technically a submissive, they don’t behave in the same way a “typical” submissive does. “Which is to take direction and submit to the dominant,” Stewart says. “A brat stays true to who they are and challenges the because they may like chaos or are interested in what’s going to happen next because the scene may be unpredictable.”
And while brats do challenge the status quo of what it means to be a sub, they’re also doing so in a way that respects and uplifts their partner.
“Being a ‘brat’ in a safe, sane consensual BDSM context should never be conflated with having actual behavioral issues,” Rowntree says. “Safe, sane consensual BDSM is not about being abused or inflicting abuse; and it is not 50 Shades.”
How Do I Become A BDSM Brat Or Brat Tamer?
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If you’re like me, you probably didn’t find yourself in Charlie XCX’s “brat” definition… but this BDSM one? It sounds intriguing. If you or your partner likes a challenge, you might enjoy a brat and brat-tamer scenario (or lifestyle!).
“If they like challenge and competition, they are probably a great candidate to try out being a brat tamer to go with your brat,” Stewart says. “Like any negotiation, you need to talk about your desires, boundaries, and limits and ensure that you have a safety plan/word/gesture so that you can feel safe and secure while you test out this roleplaying.”
You can like the protection and attention that comes from being a dom’s sub, but still enjoy the feeling of pushing the limits and testing someone else. While doms and subs have pretty clear-cut definitions, the ways in which you practice them don’t have to be so black and white.
At the end of the day, being a brat is a fun, sexy way to feed your desire to be disciplined and taken care of all in one. “It means challenging the dominant paradigm and seeing where it takes you without caring about the consequences,” Stewart says.
