There is one language that every betch is fluent in, and that’s pettiness. Much like other languages, you first learned it in high school, casually continued your studies in college, and became totally fucking fluent by the time you graduated. As we all know, pettiness can take many forms. It can be a subtweet. It can be an eye roll. It can be you waiting until somebody leaves the room to tell everyone you heard they got herpes from a club promoter. Whatever works for you. And just like everything else in this world, your pettiness style is 100% dictated by your date of birth, as it corresponds to the position of the stars and the planets. I’m talking, of course, about your zodiac. Should you casually mention that chokers are over while in the vicinity of your ex’s new gf who is wearing a choker? Or should you just “accidentally” bump into her and ruin the new suede dress she won’t shut the fuck up about? Let the stars decide! Here’s our guide to what type of petty person you are based on your horoscope.
Aries – The Competitive Petty Person
Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the pettiest bitch of all? It’s you, Aries! Congratulations. When you see an opportunity to be petty, you’re going to take it ASAP. Bae say something that could be construed as an insult but was actually probably just poor word choice due to his male gender? Strap the fuck in for a three hour long marathon fight that will leave him saying, “Who am I? Who are you? How did we get here?” And don’t even get me started on if some other girl has the audacity to think she’s better than you. You will find a way to come for her, whether it be by posting the one photo where she looks bad and everyone else (you) looks good, or by pretending she spilled a drink on you and using that as an excuse to reveal all the times her “boyfriend” tried to slide into your DMs. Aries never backs down, so you will win the argument or die trying. And I mean literally die. All this drama is likely to give you a pettiness-induced heart attack.
Taurus – The Well-Researched Petty Person
As a Taurus, you’re not one to rush into petty behavior. You first need to gather your receipts. That way by the time you finally send whatever fuckboy pissed you off the “we need to talk” text, you’ll already have three years’ worth of screenshots to back up your point. And given that you had to dedicate a full Netflix binge to locating said screenshots, the chances of changing your mind are approximately 0. Sure, you suggested “talking it out,” but by “talking it out” everyone should know you always mean “sit the fuck down and let me tell you how fucking stupid you are.” Luckily for whoever is the recipient of your petty wrath, you forgive fairly easily. Once you win the argument and receive an unequivocal apology, of course.
Gemini – The Hot and Cold Petty Person
Geminis reserve the right to change their mood faster than DeMario gets kicked off television shows, meaning that you can flip your pettiness switch on at any time. One minute you’re totally pissed, making underhanded comments about how some guy at the bar “disrespected” you, the next second you’re dancing on said bar accepting drinks from Disrespectful Bro like nothing ever happened. Sometimes it’s hard for Chill You to keep track of all the things you did when Petty You was present. “Omg did I really key your car?!? hahaha that’s so random…” The downside to being so liberal with your petty switch is that you’re def the type of person who will start an argument just because you’re bored or hungover or haven’t had any good drama in a while. The upside is you DGAF and will probably feel better in an hour or so, while the person you were in an argument with will be permanently deleting their Facebook account and moving to the woods out of fear.
Cancer – The Sobbing Petty Mess
Cancers are generally extremely sympathetic people, so when someone’s annoying AF behavior pushes you to pettiness, that pettiness is likely to be accompanied by 10-15 liters of tears. Faced with a minor inconvenience? Time for you to bust out the waterworks and literally collapse from the exhaustion. Not only does your strategy of immediate sobbing make you look like the victim no matter how your-fault the argument is, but it also makes whoever you’re arguing with 100% uncomfortable and ready to just say whatever the fuck you want so the crying will stop. Basically Cancer, you have no fucking shame, and as long as the respect of your peers isn’t something you need rn, it’s totally working.
Leo – The Publicly Petty Person
Leo, you know you like attention. And what better way to get attention than by turning your voice all the way up to 11 and causing a scene at Sunday brunch (again)? You are also not above dropping tons of hints on social media so that everybody knows that you’re in a fight. As soon as someone crosses you, whether it be by talking to you when you weren’t in the mood to talk, or by stealing your man-who-isn’t-really-your-man-but-he-totally-is-your-man-so-back-off, you will be subtweeting the fuck out of them with thinly veiled insults about “SOME people whose name rhymes with Bobecca and has the body of an American Girl Doll.” If the argument starts to backfire (aka the other person starts making good points), Leos will just pull a quick “why are you so obsessed with me?” and dip faster than you can say “I’m over it.”
Virgo – The Secret Petty Person
Virgos are so calm and collected, the object of your pettiness will probably not realize you’re being petty with them until it’s too late. Sure, your mouth is saying “I’m not mad,” but there’s definitely something in your eyes that says “I’m going to fucking kill you while you’re sleeping.” This makes you one of the absolute scariest people to get in a fight with. Oh, and getting mad at someone for something that you legit also did one week ago? Yeah, Virgos are all about that. Because getting wasted and throwing up on someone’s red Alaia dress is 100% different when you do it. Totally.
Libra – The Passive-Aggressive Petty Person
Libras generally try to avoid arguments if they can, so when they want to be petty, they’re going to opt for the hit-and-run approach. Your favorite form of petty behavior is to leave a detailed note listing all the ways in which your roommate has failed in their responsibilities, and then just dipping and hanging at your boyfriend’s place for 3-4 days. By the time you return, your roommate will be so devastated from both the note and the fact that you’ve been ignoring her via text but active in the group chat that she’ll do anything to get back into your good graces, even if that means tackling 3 weeks’ worth of dirty dishes that are probably at least half yours.
Capricorn – The Petty Coworker
Caps love noting more than letting people know how much more competent than everyone they are, making coworkers the perfect recipients of your petty tendencies. When you feel the pettiness start to creep up on you mid-work day, all you have to do is fire off an extremely detailed email to the entire company about the proper way to format an invoice that is clearly directed at Janet from accounting. And let’s face it Cap, you generally are better at your job than everyone else, so it’s like, your right to talk down to people in meetings. On the rare occasion that someone you’re arguing with is actually *gasp* right, rather than admit your fault, you’ll just say something like, “You know what, let’s drop it.” Then you’ll head back to your desk and spy on them until you discover something else they’ve done wrong and the cycle begins all over again. It’s kind of beautiful, actually.
Scorpio – The Jealous Petty Psycho
Okay Scorpio, be honest. How many times have you gone through a guy’s phone? 100? 1,000? Scorpio betches ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, mainly because they’re always accusing people of fucking with them. Did some thot just say “excuse me” while walking by your boyfriend at the club? Better take your earrings out because it’s time to start a fucking fight. And don’t even get me started on what will happen if the man-who-isn’t-your-man-but-back-off-because-that’s-your-man likes an Insta of a girl in a bathing suit. Like fucking hell you’ll believe that “she’s my cousin” bullshit. And besides, what is he doing with a female cousin in the first place? That shit is shady, and Scorpio is here to expose the shadiness, even if that means showing up at 3am with a BB gun and shooting a hole through bae’s window.
Sagittarius – The Petty Person Who Really Just Went There
Oh damn Sag it’s like that? When someone pisses off a Sag, the gloves come off fast. Some chick has the audacity to question the hilariousness of your latest Instagram caption? Okay well why don’t you just remind everyone that her ex boyfriend left her to appear on The Bachelorette (sorry Lexi…)? Sure, maybe some of your roasts are a little below the belt, but as far as Sags are concerned “the belt” is for fucking losers. So what if you only made out with a hotdog once. It’s still fair game. Burn book? More like a Burn Encyclopedia. And Lord save us all if that shit ever gets out. Being called a “fugly slut” is the least of everyone’s worries.
Aquarius – The Zen Petty Person
Sure, Aquarius, you pride yourself on being above this kind of pettiness, but you know in your heart you’re not. When the claws come out, you’ll go to your age-old tactic of declaring that someone has “negative vibes” and that you’re “cutting toxic people out of your life.” This will probably be accompanied with a 2-3 page long Facebook post that somehow ties your own minor inconveniences to the healthcare debate or the Black Lives Matter movement. Pettiness at its finest. This tactic works because it’s not you who is calling your ex’s new gf a desperate whore with a snaggletooth. The universe is calling your ex’s new gf a desperate whore with a snaggletooth. And who are you to disagree with the universe?
Pisces – Petty Best Friend
Do. Not. Fuck. With. A. Pisces’. Friends. Do not even think about fucking with a Pisces’ friends. Sure, somebody can insult you, Pisces, but as soon as they come for someone even remotely connected to your friend group, the claws come out. You’re that friend who takes a minor complaint from your bestie about her new guy’s bad text response time, steals his number from her phone, and starts blowing his ass up about how she’s perfect and he’s a total shit for not seeing it. Remember that time a girl at Coachella tried to say her crew’s flower crowns were better than yours? No, you don’t, because the ensuing argument left you with short-term memory loss. Honestly, this whole thing would be kind of noble if it weren’t so fucking terrifying.
