It’s officially The Tortured Poets Department release week, so I sincerely hope you’re ready to dive into preparation mode. This isn’t any old album, people. This is Thee Joe Alwyn Breakup Album I always dreamed — s’cuse me, wondered — about. We’re about to get so much tea, it’s actually ridiculous. I can’t even process it. With track titles like “But Daddy I Love Him” and “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys,” it seems like Taylor’s finally ready to tell Swifties the full breakup story in detail. It’s been over a year since the shocking news was announced, and I’m still dying of curiosity.
TTPD basically marks Taylor’s sixth Joe album. Reputation told the story of how they fell in love, Lover was a loud celebration of their romance, and folklore and evermore were not fucking fictional, I’m so sorry to break it to you. Then, we had Midnights, which many Swiftie scientists believe to be an almost-breakup album of sorts. So yeah, there are a lot of epic lyrics about the British actor. Too many to count. But to prepare us for TTPD, I’ve ranked some of my personal favorite (and least favorite) Joe lines.
8. Karma is my boyfriend / Karma is a god
Is this the best line she’s ever written? I’m gonna be so bold and say no. “Karma” is still an iconic song though! (Taylor’s and JoJo’s.) Especially the “guy on the Chiefs” version.
7. We could leave the Christmas lights up ’till January / This is our house, we make the rules
Listen. I know “Lover” is a fan fave and classic BUT. I never liked this opening line. Like, yes, I assume everyone who celebrates Christmas does that. And I understand that’s supposed to be her point, but it just doesn’t hit the right way. Sue me.
6. You’re in the kitchen humming / All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing
I fear this “Sweet Nothing” lyric did not age well. It was cute in the moment, but in hindsight and with more context, it’s kinda giving… he didn’t wanna do anything with her.
5. You know I love a London boy / I enjoy walking Camden Market in the afternoon / He likes my American smile / Like a child when our eyes meet, darling, I fancy you
I will be so honest right now: “London Boy” made me apply to study abroad in London. Clearly, I did not have the same geography qualms as other fans did. This is a middle-of-the-road lyric because yes there’s a cliché element for sure, but this song will always have a special place in my heart.
4. Don’t blame me, love made me crazy / If it doesn’t, you ain’t doin’ it right / Lord, save me, my drug is my baby / I’ll be usin’ for the rest of my life
THE BEST TAYLOR SWIFT SONG. I’m a Reputation girlie through and through, and this masterpiece is one of my all-time faves. She really took us to steamy church with the lyrics and vocals on “Don’t Blame Me.”
3. And I wouldn’t marry me either / A pathological people pleaser / Who only wanted you to see her
I think I definitely choked the first time I heard this ~revealing~ tune. Taylor snuck in “You’re Losing me” as a Midnights bonus track, casually dropping the most devastating lines ever written. Like, are you kidding me with pathological people pleaser and the blatant revelation that he wouldn’t give her a ring??
2. Only bought this dress so you could take it off / Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-OFFFF
Again, I identify as a Reputation girlie, and I believe this is one of the most poetic lines she’s ever come up with. Tell me “Dress” doesn’t make you feel alive.
1. Teal was the color of your shirt / When you were sixteen at the yogurt shop / You used to work at to make a little money
In the No. 1 slot, we have one of the most important Joe lyrics in pop culture history. This sneaky part of the first verse in “Invisible String” is the most widely known “Poor Joe” diss. (Honorable mentions include: “Paper Rings” and “Cruel Summer.”)
