Vanderpump Rules fan-favorite Ariana Madix has had a tremendous year, spinning the ultimate betrayal into a literal goldmine. Her latest endeavor? What else but a cocktail book of her own. Yes, her own. Not one she has to share with some loser. Now that she no longer has the Shein dupe version of Adam Levine riding her coattails, she’s finally free to thrive solo. In Single AF Cocktails, Ariana chronicles the demise of her relationship, complete with cocktails that tell the story of her heartbreak in her own words. I could help but imagine what cocktails might be included in the book. Sadly, LVP’s GLJ (Lisa Vanderpump’s Get Loose Juice) did not make the cut.
Florida (Wo)man
A lethal ode to my Floridan roots that’ll have you seeing *triple* (Schwartz’s brothers.)
- 2 ounces of bath salts
- 1 ounce Mad Dog (AKA MD 20/20)
- 1.5 ounces Don Julio Blanco
Smarter & Prettier Punch
Get over it with this sweet, sour, and sassy combo. Warning: This punch goes harder than Kristen four drinks deep.
- 12 ounces fresh or frozen peaches
- 3 tbs honey
- 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
- 1 tsp freshly grated ginger
- 1 bottle Vanderpump Pink Sangria, chilled
Serious Improv Spritz
A serious endeavor calls for a serious drink like this play on an Americano.
- 1 1/2 ounces Campari
- 1 1/2 ounces sweet vermouth
- Soda water, chilled
- Garnish: orange twist, AKA Katie’s season 2 hair
Tom Scandoval Collins
It’s only fitting to have a drink named after patron saint of the fedora hat and public enemy #1.
- 2 ounces of gin, flavored with salty, fake-ass crocodile tears
- 1 ounce of lemon juice
- Top with club soda, straightener-singed thyme stem
- Garnish with chipped white nail polish sprinkles
(Tequila) Worm with a Mustache
A tequila-based cocktail worthy of sloppy, evil, manscapers everywhere.
- 1 ounce tequila, bottom shelf, like all the booze served at Swartz & Sandy’s
- 1 small scoop of lime sherbert, a nod to James’ teetotaling coping mechanism
- Simple syrup
- 2 dashes of bitters, like the little bitch who won’t get out of my house
Something About Her Spicy Marg
This spicy marg was developed with revenge on my mind. Extra kudos if you dump this on your shitty partner’s head.
- 4 jalapeno coins, muddled (Important note: channel Katie rage-texting Schwartz while muddling for full effect)
- 2 ounces blanco tequila
- 1/2 ounce orange liqueur, like Sandoval’s spray tan
- 1 ounce lime juice, freshly squeezed
- 1/2 ounce agave syrup
Tequila Katie’s Classic Paloma
A classic cocktail for a classy lady who’s undergone the ultimate glow up.
- 1 ounce tequila (Mezcal if you’re feeling especially rage-y!)
- 1 ounce grapefruit soda
- 1/2 ounce lime juice
- 2 tsp simple syrup
Fuck Yourself (Up) with a (Parmesan) Cheese Grater Martini
This bambi-eyed bitch approved cocktail may take a bit of extra work to execute, but then again, so did having a nearly year-long affair behind my back.
- 1/2 ounce Parmesan-infused vermouth
- 1 ounce gin
- 1 large shard of ice (AKA Tom Sandoval’s stomped on heart)
Demented Dementor Mule
This jungle juice meets pumpkin juice combo will make you say “Avada Kedavra” to all your problems. A favorite of Draco Malfoy Tom Schwartz.
- 1 packet Capri Sun
- 2 dashes pumpkin spice blend
- 1 ounce cranberry juice
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