Summer is almost over, and I know this because instead of feeling the need to go outside and actually do things with my life, my needs veer more towards re-watching old episodes of Veronica Mars and eating an entire sleeve of soft-baked cookies in one sitting. That’s a clear indication that it’s time for me to stop giving a shit about my summer body and layer the fuck up because it’s fall. And, honestly, thank God. IDK how much longer I could pretend to be excited about pounding vodka drinks in broad daylight and squeezing my bloated AF self into a bikini every other weekend. There’s only so much I’m willing to put up with for Instagram likes. So, yeah, I’m v glad about the fast-approaching fall season. And why shouldn’t I be? Fall is the one season that still involves heavy amounts of drinking (hello tailgates, cider season, Halloween, and forced family visits with your drunk cousin Steven Thanksgiving), and encourages you to drink in flowy, full-coverage clothing as God and my weekend bloat intended.
But where there’s a pumpkin patch there’s a basic fucking bitch just asking for me to kindly give her some life advice anonymously blast her on the Internet. It’s like once the leaves start to change, girls in riding boots and circle scarves start popping out of the fucking woodwork. Suddenly the streets of New York look like a Michael Kors flash mob is about to break out, except no one is dancing and everyone is posting selfies with the caption #OOTD. It’s v unsettling and these trends have to be stopped. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here are the 5 fall Instagram trends that are canceled forever. Brace yourselves.
1. Pumpkin Spice Anything
It’s like the only way I can tell if it’s fall anymore is when my Insta feed starts blowing up with PSL selfies and that shit has got to stop. I mean, pumpkin flavored beverages in the fall? Groundbreaking. And it’s always the same girl who juiced all summer and pretends like kale doesn’t taste like literal sadness that starts chugging PSLs like it’s her damn job come October 1st. I’m guessing she doesn’t know that her favorite fall beverage is 70 percent sugar, 30 percent pumpkin flavored fat that’s one hundred percent going to make her shit her leggings in 30 minutes or less? Tbh none of that shit is as offensive to me as when a girl orders her PSL as a skinny. I mean, have you no shame?? Skinny is Starbucks’ way of letting you know that your drink is fat and so are you and it’s the perfect amount of shame needed to start your morning. Now, do I myself also order PSL’s as a skinny? You bet your ass I do. But do I hate myself while I’m doing it? Only when I ask for a skinny latte with whipped cream. No, we’re all better than this. This shit is cancelled.
You:
Me:
2. Fall Themed Props
You know what I’m talking about here, the girls who pose with giant-ass pumpkins or throw piles of leaves in the air like assholes. Every single time fall rolls around it’s like they’ve never seen a goddamn leaf before in their life. I mean, you girls have college degrees, studied abroad in foreign countries, and you’re telling me the most interesting thing you’ve seen in your whole damn life is a leaf? GTFO of here. Whole trips are even planned around this Instagram shot, because before the days where you could get an easy 100 likes, you would never fucking consider spending an entire Saturday upstate in an abandoned field picking apples. It’s extra and so are you.
3. Thanksgiving Feast Pics
There’s nothing that gives me more of an urge to to set myself on fire like watching some size two thot post a photo of her Thanksgiving feast on Instagram. Like, you haven’t eaten a carb since 2009, don’t pretend like you’re going to gorge yourself on this most sacred day. At most you’ll “fill up” on salad and then spend the rest of the day saying insane shit like “I’m stuffed” or “I really couldn’t eat anymore.” You disgust me. Also, this person is 1,000 percent wearing some sort of skintight ensemble to her family’s Thanksgiving. Memaw did not slave away all day making sweet potato casserole from scratch just to watch you take selfies with the Thanksgiving turkey in a holiday club dress. No, Memaw doesn’t need that shit from you and neither do I, the person who came to the table dressed in my sister’s old maternity pants and ready to eat until she passes out party. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll cut that shit out before I have the chance to screenshot your offending self and forward it to my most savage group chat.
4. Inspirational Fall Selfies
Inspirational selfies are the reason I started my burn book. I don’t really have beef with selfies in general or, like, the girl that has her friend kneel in oncoming traffic so she can get the perfect shot of her brunch outfit. Whatever. Live your truth, ladies. What I hate is when one of those bitches pretends like she’s not a self-absorbed asshole and has to turn her selfie into a Lifetime movie message. And no season brings on that bullshit like the fall season. You know what I’m talking about here—she’ll take a selfie staring out into the distance or sitting on a patch of grass in the park and caption it with like, “the trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” Which is a beautiful quote from a very smart woman but I’m pretty sure the girl who’s using it in her Instagram is thinking about the guy who ghosted her on Bumble and not, like, the state of our world. Just because the leaves are changing does not mean your basic ass is. Nope, BYE.
5. Slutty Halloween Costumes
Is it Halloween if your mother isn’t ashamed of the pictures you’re tagged in on Facebook? I think not. Slutty Halloween costumes have stood the test of time, and honestly who would we be if we weren’t mistaken for a prostitute at least once in our lives every October? But, y’all, it’s 2017 and we are way more evolved now so I think it might be time we retire our blatant display of daddy issues slutty Halloween costumes. LOL KIDDING. Slutty Halloween costumes will never go out of style and thank God for that. As a person who spends five days a week pushing the boundaries of “business casual,” it’s nice to know there’s still at least one day a year where I can just be a hoe me. Like, what, just because I’m 25, have a full-time job, and pay my own rent I’m supposed to be above dressing up in a bodysuit and cat ears? You’ve lost your damn mind.
