There’s nothing worse than bad sex. Okay so like, maybe war and famine are up there, but I mean in terms of things you’re likely to experience between now and next Monday, bad sex is kind of the worst. Like, you put in all this manipulation work into finding a guy you like enough to sleep with, and after weeks of playing hard to get you finally grace him with your vagina. Only to find out he sucks in bed and takes the phrase “eating out” way too literally. Ugh, no. Pls stop. There are tons of things f*ckboys—not men, f*ckboys—do in bed that are completely unacceptable. If any of these sex dealbreakers happen to you, get the f*ck out of there.
1. When He “Accidentally” Tries To Slip It In The Back Door
For some reason, lots of straight dudes are pretty into putting their dicks in our buttholes. If you’re into butt stuff that’s totally cool, apparently so is Gwyneth Paltrow. But, if you’re not, IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE FOR HIM TO TRY TO CASUALLY SNEAK HIS DONG INTO YOUR BUTTHOLE (i.e. when you’re about to do doggy and he “accidentally” slips it into the wrong hole). Anal sex needs to be planned for. No amount of spontaneous pleasure is worth spontaneously sh*tting yourself and/or tearing your anus. Yes, I know how painful that was to read. Now imagine if it actually happened to you. JUST SAY NO.
2. When He Asks For Head And Doesn’t Return The Favor
This guy’s a selfish f*ck. And there’s only room for one selfish f*ck in this relationship: you.
3. When He Blurts His Feelings For You Mid-Sex
If you’re in a relationship where you’ve both already stated your love for each other, this is NBD. If you’re not, let me break down a couple harsh truths for you:
A. Those words meant nothing and you reading into them is the only thing more psycho than him blurting them out.
B. He is either an emotionally unstable psychopath or a virgin.
Take his profession of love as a testament to your skills in bed and peace out of there.
4. When He Skips Foreplay
This is inappropriate behavior for any non-virgin over the age of 15. Sex is better for YOU BOTH if he takes some time in the beginning to make sure all systems are go for you. If he can’t do that, BYE to him.
5. When He Cums In Absolute Silence
Is he dead? Why’s he being so quiet? I’m not saying he needs to scream like a little girl every time he cums, but silently lying there like a corpse is creepy and, tbh, kind of an insult to your skills in bed. Also logistically you need to know when it’s over for him so you don’t continue to ride his limp penis for five minutes while he tries not to wince in discomfort.
6. When He Goes Overboard With The Dirty Talk
A real betch knows what she likes. Some like to be called a “dirty slut,” some like to keep the dirty talk to a minimal “ooh I like that.” If his personal brand of dirty talk doesn’t align with yours, don’t bother.
7. When He Tries To Talk About What You “Are” Right After
Unless you want to sign yourself up for a relationship filled with emotional talks and “Good morning beautiful :)” texts, RUN.
8. When He’s Overly Aggressive
Aside from the obvious, he’s totally rape-y aspect of this issue, being aggressive is also a clear-cut sign this guy is a pathetic loser. Why does he NEED you to bone him so badly? Because nobody else is boning him. You’re this desperate loser’s only hope. It’s kind of cute but, like, not really.
9. When He’s Just… Bad At It
If you really like this dude, this is a fixable problem. But teaching him takes time and you’re a betch with sh*t to do so you better make sure he’s got, like, Liam Hemsworth’s face with Mark Zuckerberg’s bank account.