8 Roommate Red Flags That You're Living With A Monster

If you’re starting college this fall, you’re probably v stressed about a lot of things right now, but of all the things you have to worry about (Will I gain the freshman 15? What if I hate my major? Are all these guys fuckboys?) the most legit concern are your fears about having to live with a roommate. Here’s the truth: You’re going to have, like, zero personal space, and you might fucking hate each other not always be best friends. So whether you got randomly assigned or shacked up with met someone you met at orientation, here are some red flags you should watch out for.

1. Extreme Homesickness

It’s normal to be a little homesick at the beginning of college. You used to have a mom to do all your shit for you and tell you you look pretty every day. Now you have to do shit for yourself and write things like “You’re beautiful!” in lipstick on your mirror as a confidence booster. It’s bleak. But most people adjust (aka start drinking heavily) pretty quickly. If your roommate is choosing to talk to her mom all the time instead of going out, drop that bitch like she’s an 8am calculus class. Or just like, wait it out. She’ll be transferring to her local community college by spring semester, and then you’ll have the room to yourself. 

2. Gone Girl

If she goes home random weekends that aren’t even breaks and has yet to unpack a single one of her suitcases, there’s definitely going to be a problem. Like, if there’s a wedding or something we get it, but why is she literally always leaving? Who is she meeting? Is she a Russian spy? These are all valid questions. But she’s probably just going home to do laundry. 

3. The Boyfriend Girl

We also need to talk about boyfriends. Plenty of girls go to college and stay with their boyfriends from high school, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a social life of their own. If she regularly turns down social invitations because she “has plans to Skype with Anthony,” that means she’s more invested in that dumb guy who could only get into a state school than her actual college experience. Unacceptable. Also, be ready for the day you come home to her in a pile on the floor screaming about how he cheated on her with some slut on his hall. Then prepare yourself for the day he shows up at your dorm room door with flowers demanding entry like you don’t also fucking live there. These things will happen, and they will be annoying AF. 

4. Best Friend Roulette

It’s important to pick up social cues about your roommate, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Is she the kind of girl who has a new best friend every two weeks? Like, she’s obsessed with this girl Yasmin but then there’s some drama with a guy or something and then you literally never hear about Yasmin again and you suspect she might have been drowned in a water tank somewhere slightly off-campus? If this happens repeatedly, your roommate is absolutely the problem. You can still be, like, casual friends with her, but she is not bridesmaid material.

5. Psycho Flirting

Pay attention to how she is around guys too. Does she seem like she’s trying to impress every single guy she meets? Is she on a diet but then starts screaming about how much she loves hotdogs whenever a penis is present? Does she act like she never thinks about boys but then kicks you out to have sex like, five times a week? All red flags. But the worst thing is if she acts overly attached to a guy who you slowly but surely realize has no fucking clue she exists. She will not make a good wing woman, and will almost certainly get jealous and petty every time you make eye contact with a man.

6. Shitty Decor

As we’ve discussed before, you can tell a lot about a person by their choice of dorm decor. While there’s no one right way to decorate a room, you should definitely use your best judgment. Like, why did you bring three stuffed animals to college? Do you really need four framed photos of your boyfriend? Marilyn Monroe did not fucking say that. It’s all in the details. Oh, and if she dares put up anything with the words “Live,” “Laugh,” or “Love” on it, fucking run. She’s seriously disturbed, and you should probably alert the FBI. 

7. General Hygiene

Dorm living is close quarters, and you’re quickly going to learn a lot about your roommate’s hygiene and habits. Like, sweetie, why does your laundry hamper always smell like a family of squirrels is living in it? Can you please throw away that food you stole from the dining hall a week ago? Who do you think is going to clean out the coffeemaker if you don’t do it yourself? People are awful.

8. Bathroom Deal Breakers

Showers should happen daily. Deodorant is not optional. If she doesn’t wear shower shoes in the communal bathrooms, she’s a psycho who’s not to be trusted.

So stay vigilant ladies, and remember, if something seems questionable, it probably is.