In case you missed it, Starbucks launched their Unicorn Frappuccino last week, proving to all of us that it was somehow possible for 12-year-old girls to hack the site’s menu portal and create this cup of pure rainbow shit. Also referred to as the “Mountain Dew of coffee”, or “The reason 2017 is turning out to be worse than 2016”, this drink is literally the reason Americans are stupid and morbidly obese.
As we picked up our venti cold brew and judged everyone ordering the latest Lisa Frank-inspired concoction, we started to think about our own Starbucks orders. Like, we wouldn’t be caught dead ordering a frappuccino, but what if we want something other than a black coffee with a Splenda and a splash of Skim? How fat would we get? After doing some research, we came up with some ideas for ordering delicious shit from Starbucks without gaining weight. Here are some rules to follow:
1. Think Ahead
First of all, if you’re a Starbs rookie, there are a couple things you should know. If you don’t specify exactly what you want, you’re fucked. Don’t order a latte assuming they’ll use skim milk or soy. They’re using 2%, and the calories will start adding up REAL quick. Also, if you’re ordering an iced tea and don’t specify that you want it unsweetened, they’ll sweeten it with the full-sugar classic syrup, and trust me, you don’t want to be consuming that.
2. If You Must Get Syrup, Opt For Sugar-Free
The next thing you should know is that if you’re dying for some sweet AF flavor in your drink, the only syrups that come in sugar-free versions are the mocha, vanilla, and cinnamon dolce. So, if you’re ordering a skinny caramel latte thinking you’re being healthy, they’re putting the real caramel syrup in, and probably adding more than the nutritional info accounts for. Basically, you’re playing yourself.
3. Customize Your Drink (Without Being Annoying)
Now that we have the basics down, it’s time to get creative. If you think about it, the Starbucks menu is just a bunch of combinations of syrups, espresso shots, and milk, so it’s easy to customize a drink that has basically no cals with tons of ingredients. If the barista looks confused when you order something that’s not on the menu, just make it seem like you order it everyday and have never had a problem. You’ll be surprised how flexible she’ll be when you have 12 angry people in line behind you who haven’t had caffeine yet.
4. Three Words: Iced Skinny Latte
If you’re a frappuccino addict (what are you, 12?) the typical health hack of Starbucks is to switch your ice cream concoction to the iced skinny latte. If you’re into flavors, choose from sugar-free vanilla, mocha, or cinnamon dolce, and if you’re legit dying for white chocolate for some reason, ask for half a pump AT MOST. That shit is sweet enough with just a drop, so you’ll be fine. The iced skinny latte is made with a shot of espresso, skim milk, and the syrup you ask for, and the whole drink is like 80 calories. Maybe 100 for a grande. You can also ask for coconut milk or soy if you’re dairy-free, and the cals are basically the same. If you want something a little sweeter, get the tall iced skinny macchiato, which is also less than 100 calories. They don’t add as much caramel drizzle as they do on a regular, but once again, you’re an adult and you’ll be okay without the mountain of sticky caramel on your morning coffee.
5. Swap Out Your Cappuccino
If you’re one of those girls who went abroad a few years ago still needs to start every morning with a hot cappuccino with extra foam, try getting the Americano Misto instead. It’s a hot drink that’s basically just espresso shots, water filled up halfway, and steamed milk on top. AKA it’s not all steamed milk aka slightly less fattening.
6. Stay Away From The Fancy Fake Coffee Drinks
If you want to order a drink that’s not coffee, skip the diabetes bombs like the vanilla bean frap or strawberries and cream, and instead get a tall passion iced tea with soy milk. The whole drink is about 70 calories, and tastes like a creamy fruit drink. It might not taste like a double chocolate DQ blizzard, but then again it’s 2pm on a Wednesday and you’re sober. You’ll take the iced tea.
So there you have it. There’s a lot you can order at Starbucks if you’re willing to get creative and get a couple weird stares from people in line. Just promise us, for God’s sake, that you won’t add whipped cream, because there’s literally nothing we can help you with there. You can try Sears.