20 Minutes I'll Never Get Back: A Recap Of Trump's Oval Office Address

Last night, our president graced us with an update on his toddler temper tantrum the goverment shutdown over the stupid f*cking wall he promised his supporters during his campaign. It was an overall pretty uneventful speech where Trump seemed to be genuinely reading the teleprompter and not spewing out the first thoughts that enter his narcissistic nightmare of a head.

Scripted Trump almost convinced me that he could act like a president, until I remembered this man wants to spend $5.7 billion on a wall he said Mexico would pay for.

In case you missed it in all of its confused glory, here’s the full speech:

Here are some takeaways for those of you who were smart enough not to watch whatever the f that was.

1. Trump said the wall will be steel instead of concrete.

Apparently Democrats don’t “like concrete” so this was a gift to them. I was under the impression, though, that the main problem the Democrats had with the wall was, uh, the wall. Not sure if the materials are a big issue here.

2. He alluded to the Obama’s house as evidence that walls are an effective form of protection.

Trump noted that many powerful politicians have walls around their homes not because they “hate the people outside” but because they “love the people inside.” Trump has previously claimed that the Obama’s have a ten foot wall around their house but that has been identified instead as just some small barriers and fencing. This probably would’ve been a more effective example if Trump had chosen any of Taylor Swift’s houses, which all have massive walls to protect her from crazy and dangerous stalkers. I’m sure if Taylor had an influx of women and children seeking asylum in her home, she’d have to reevaluate.

3. He used “fear over facts” as a way to fuel xenophobia.

After the speech, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer weighed in on what was said and accused the president of using “fear over facts.” Trump cited many examples of American citizens who were the victims of horrific crimes caused by illegal immigrants. What he didn’t take into account, though, is that the crime rate among American citizens is much higher than the crime rate among illegal immigrants. Doesn’t cherry-picking examples of a few terrible people to make a case against thousands of good ones sound like the argument that Republicans hate about gun control? Nobody wants criminals in our country.

4. The wall will cost $5.7 billion, but it’ll quickly “pay for itself” through a new Mexico trade deal.

Welles Orr, who worked on the original NAFTA agreement as the Assistant U.S. Trade Representative for Congressional Affairs under George H.W. Bush, told TIME that, “Trade agreements are designed to reduce regulatory hurdles. Most of our tariffs are zero, or very, very low.” Even if the new agreement did add tariffs, the money wouldn’t be put directly toward a wall or any other particular project. Instead, it would be put into the United States Treasury fund.

5. The wall will stop drug trafficking?

Trump said, “Every week 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90% of which floods across from our southern border. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.” This is, unfortunately, very true. Our country is experiencing an opioid epidemic and 90% of heroin comes from Mexico. However, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) 2018 National Drug Threat Assessment, the vast majority of heroin enters the country through legal ports of entry and not the empty spaces in the border that the wall would “block.”

Honestly, what’s the point of having a reality television star as president if he just won’t pay for his own ideas? Build the wall, have Trump pay for it.

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Betcher In The Rye
Betcher In The Rye
Kimberly Dinaro is a writer, stand up comedian and teen pop star in NYC. Less online dating, more inline skating.