Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. That’s what lame cliché people say on the last night of camp, right? Well that’s how I felt on Monday watching the Vanderpump Rules finale. That is, until I remembered that season finales mean it’s reunion time, which is the greatest addition to reality TV since the dawn of fucking time. It’s pretty much just rehashing the same shit you got over months ago—except now, you get to see all the shit they talked behind each others’ backs all season. Bravo, Andy Cohen. Pun intended. Anyway, because we’re impatient af and ready for this shit show to get going already, we made some predictions for what’s going to go down. Bet you my trust fund we’re right about everything.
1. Tom & Katie Will Act Like Everything Is Perfect
Tom and Katie will do whatever it takes to try and convince us they’re living in marital bliss. This will also be complete and total bullshit. They’ll talk about how they’re soul mates and how after the wedding the stress was just washed away and they’ve been eating Maggiano’s and watching Netfix as husband and wife Bubbas ever since. But in reality Katie still thinks Tom cheated on her Vegas and thinks his dick doesn’t work (except in Vegas I guess), while he still refuses to get a job and resents Katie for spending $50 grand on a wedding when they’re like, kinda povo.
2. Scheana Will Have A Full-On Meltdown When Shay Comes In
It’s no secret that I think Scheana is the fucking worst. Anyone who won’t take a green tea shot on a girls’ trip to the Hamptons because she’s got a big workout in the morning is gonna get a no from me, dawg. Everyone knows green tea has a shit ton of antioxidants, therefore it’s healthy even in shot form. But anyway, because of Scheana’s being terrible, I’m convinced there’s more to this breakup than just “Shay sucks and Scheana is a victim.” I mean, she did try and force feed him 10 cocktails at their anniversary dinner after she found out he had an addiction problem. She’s terrible. We know Shay is making an appearance, which (hopefully) means that he’s actually going to speak for once. I’m planning on Shay serving up some truth tea.
3. Stassi Will Bitch & Moan About Being The Only Single One
Katie’s married, Lala is probs still “banging” that married dude, then there’s Ariana and Sandoval, Brittany and Jax, Kristen and Carter. Sheana who JUST got fucking divorced is dating someone already. Hell, even James “Fuckboy of the Century” Kennedy has a girlfriend rn. All this to say, there’s going to be at least three awkward jokes, two legit sobs and one therapy session starring little bro Nicolai regarding Stassi’s singleness. Stassi, you’ve been single for like, what, 21 weeks? Talk to me in 2 years.
4. Scheana Will Swear She Hasn’t Gotten Any Plastic Surgery
She’ll claim that she just lost weight and completely changed the structure of the bones in her face through exercise and diet. This too is complete and total bullshit. I’m sorry, but your face doesn’t morph into a legit spear from hitting the treadmill a few times a week. It just doesn’t. If that were possible, Kylie Jenner would have been all over it long ago. This part of the reunion will also be the part where I, and I highly recommend you as well, fast forward take a break to refill your wine.
5. Andy Cohen & Lisa Vanderpump Will Judge The Shit Out Of Everyone (And We Will Be Living For It)
This is a given. When you put a television genius and a legendary betch in the same room with morally corrupt, 30-something-year-old people who pretend to waitress and bartend for a living, there’s bound to be some shade thrown. Here’s hoping it results in some fire LVP gifs because my arsenal is running a little low these days. My money is that Andy will give some appropriately directed side-eye and Lisa will call Jax a dog at least three times before the reunion is over.
6. Ariana & Tom Will Get Badgered About Getting Married
She’s going to awkwardly dodge the question and he is going to pretend he doesn’t care when in reality he cares a lot. We will probably see a few (hundred) tears from the Sandoval camp. Now that one VPR couple is married (Scheana and Shay never counted because he’s not a real cast member) there’s gonna be a big push for another one to get married in the next couple seasons so the show can stay on the air. Jax is a no-go, and the entire planet couldn’t give less fucks about Kristen and Carter so the only viable option is Sandoval and Ariana. She doesn’t want to AT ALL, but he is thirsty af to marry her so expect it to get weird.
7. Scheana Will Try To Convince Us That It Was Totally Different When She Fucked A Married Guy
Tbh, I’m not 100% sure this will happen but I’m hoping to will it into existence by writing it down. Every time I watched Scheana talk shit about Lala allegedly dating a married guy I wanted to fucking scream. “That was only okay when I did it” — Janis Ian re: calling Damian “too gay to function” and Scheana Shay when justifying her affair with a married man, probably. Like, how is no one gonna point out the obvious here, except the writer who does our recaps? Scheana did the exact same fucking thing. I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. I would have thought that if anything, Lala and Scheana would be BFF’s and swap like, tips on keeping secrets from people’s wives. I’m banking on some bored middle-aged woman from Oklahoma sending in a question about this or else I’m fucking done. Until next season, obv.
8. Brittany Will Trip Over Her Words
What will it be this time? “Misogyny”? “More Worse?” “Emotional Intelligence”? I know watching Brittany attempt to master the English language will give me a much-needed ego boost, I’m just not sure how exactly.
9. Lala Will Bring Up Her Anxiety
Again. And try to throw herself a little pity party onstage. I have a feeling she’ll try to justify her shady relationship with her anxiety. “You guys just don’t know what it’s like,” she’ll probably screech. Predictably, nobody will buy it.
10. Lala Will Continue To Deny That She’s Fucking A Married Guy
Despite the fact that literally all of us know that Lala’s fucking a married guy and we even know what his name is, she’ll probably continue to deny this no matter how much evidence points to the contrary. Like, Andy could play her sex tape at the reunion and she’d still sit there and deny it. I’m looking forward to the mental gymnastics she’ll try to pull in order to get out of this.
