Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For January 5-7th

Ah, so you’ve survived the first week of 2018. Reward yourself with a drink, or six. This probably seemed like the longest work week of all time, but think of it this way: now you only have 51 weeks to fuck up your life for the year. Every day is a new opportunity to turn into the shit show you were truly meant to become. Cheers to the new year, betches.

Aries

You probably weren’t at the top of your work game this week. Big fucking whoop. The Moon in Virgo on Friday can spur even more misunderstandings with your coworkers. So, like, when you sneak out of the office, be extra careful to not let the office tattletale see you. Without taking necessary precautions, i.e. coming up with a great reason you need to leave early, you’ll be more likely to return to that dreaded “come see me” email from your boss on Monday.

Taurus

You have a tendency to come on too strong at the beginning of a relationship. If you’re in the pre-cuff stage at this point in cuffing season, don’t fuck it up by pressuring your significant other to spend all fucking weekend with you. Set one night this weekend as a date night, and make plans for yourself the other night. That’s the first lesson in How To Win at Relationships 101, Taurus.

Chill

Gemini

If you’re after sex, money, a hot body, or a Maserati, this is a good weekend for going after—and getting—what you want. The planets line up so that your communication skills are on point, so other people are more likely to just give up and give in. Speaking of a hot body, your motivation to care about what you look like returns this weekend, so, uh, yeah. Get your ass back to the gym.

Cancer

Your weekend horoscope calls for some motherfuckin’ romance! If you’re already coupled up, it’s best you keep things simple and sweet between you and your man (or woman) this weekend. Don’t feel like you need to invite your roommate to chill out with you two during what’s supposed to be your date night. That’s fucking weird for everyone. If you’re single, your best places to meet someone new are where things are already physical, i.e. the gym, spinning class or a ski resort.

Netflix and Chill

Leo

Your new year’s resolutions probably include shit that’s supposed to make you a healthier and better person. We really know you just want to drink more water and go to the gym so that you become a hotter person. That’s fine. We’ll keep your secret. Since you’re set on beautifying your outsides, you should also take time this weekend to beautify your surroundings. So, yeah, it’s time to finally take all those Amazon boxes to the recycling.

Virgo

The moon in your sign is opposing Neptune as we head into the weekend. This can make you feel like you’re still in that post-holiday fog and will also make you prone to more daydreams. If you actually give a shit about getting back on track for next week, spend the weekend making lists of things to get done and then actually do them. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in slow-mo for a very long time.

List

Libra

The moon in Virgo makes you, like, super introspective this weekend. The end of the year always gives you a reason to look back, but it feels like you are having a hard time letting go of some shit right now. It’s cold AF, so why not pull a Tai in Clueless and ceremoniously burn all the emblems that remind you of those bad memories? Hey, at least if you catch your house on fire, you have a chance of meeting a hot firefighter. Two birds, betch.

Scorpio

As you enter the weekend, the moon in your social sector is in opposition to Neptune, making your sense of FOMO tingle. Like, sure, everyone is a little burnt out from being social for the past three months, and the weather sucks too much to go out rn. If you have to stay in thanks to the fucking Bomb Cyclone, take this weekend as a chance to reconnect with some friends you haven’t talked to in a while. Like, when did you last Skype your college roommate? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Window

Sagittarius

A moon traveling through Virgo in your job house makes you reconsider a choice you’ve made concerning your career or a path you’ve chosen to take. Neptune is also working against you, filling you with doubt about basically every fucking choice you’ve made in your life. Luckily, this shit doesn’t need to be solved right this weekend. Accept the fact that things are sort of up in the air for you and plan on figuring it out later.

Capricorn

Your weekend horoscope reads that others will take notice of your understated elegance and beauty this weekend. I mean, I don’t know if that’s entirely true, but it definitely sounds like a decent excuse to wear yoga pants and not put on a bra all weekend. Just be cautious if you plan on going out in public like that. Sure, other people might think you’re a natural beauty if they see you without makeup, but they’ll also definitely notice that you’re nipping out of your sweater.

Natural Beauty

Aquarius

You probably have absolutely zero desire to go out this weekend. Blame shitty weather or going too hard this holiday season, but a night on the town is probably not in store for you. A high profile activity on your schedule next week requires you get all the R&R you can get this weekend so you’re refreshed and rejuvenated in order to reemerge into society by Monday.

Pisces

So, we all know that as a Pisces, you’re ruled by Neptune. Well, Neptune is standing in opposition to the moon in Virgo, which can leave you confused about a bunch of shit this weekend, especially when it comes to your relationships. You might wonder if you actually want a boyfriend or you’re just cold and want someone to cuddle with. Well, it never hurts to take a test drive with a cuddle buddy and see how you feel about the whole thing on Monday, right?

Cher Horowitz

Images: Roberto Nickson / Unsplash; Giphy ( 6 )

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