Last week was a sad week on Bravo because it was the last episode of RHOBH. Not forever or anything, but ya know, until November. Which is basically forever. Personally, it’s my fave because the women are richer than god, they’re hot AF, they live in palaces and both Erika Jayne and LVP are legit queens. And now that it’s over, I need a replacement ASAP. Thankfully, Andy Cohen came to my rescue and dropped NYC betches in my life right as the Bev Hills wives were on their way out. Like I said, RHOBH is #1 in my heart, but TBH, RHONY is giving it a run for its money. And that’s a lot of fucking money. The women are smart, successful and legit funny, plus it’s all just so fucking ridiculous that it’s enough to pull me out of my Wednesday slump. Well, almost. And what do we do with all Bravo shows we love? Rank the cast by betchiness. Fucking duh.
Psst we have a RHONY recap now. Read it here!
7. Dorinda Medley
Dorinda definitely brings some life to the show and she always makes it nice, but she’s by no means betchy. First things first, she’s a BSCB. When she gets upset about something, there’s no calm, cool, and collected happening. We’re talking Teresa Guidice table-flipping type shit. Take a Xanax, D. She talks shit behind her friends’ backs, which let’s be honest we all do, but she always gets caught. Also, she’s dating some nasty fat greasy dry cleaner from Jersey. And on top of it, he’s a prick. I’d get it if he was like, some super great guy but he fucking sucks. Last place.
6. Luann D’Agostino
Back when she was a Countess, she probably would have landed a little higher on our list, but now that she’s married to a cheating scumbag without a title she finds herself toward the back of the pack. I could write a fucking Charles Dickens-length novel describing all the reasons I can’t stand Luann. The biggest one is she’s hypocritical AF. Look, I’m the first one to admit I hold other people to a higher standard than I hold myself. Consider it a flaw. But I’m not on goddamn TV contradicting myself for the world to see. The final dagger in her betch coffin is her music career, if you could even call it that. While “Money Can’t Buy You Class” and “Chic C’est La Vie” are entertaining to listen to when you’re in the mood to judge someone, they’re both more embarrassing than my middle school talent show routine to “I’m A Believer” (I know you all don’t know me, but that’s saying a lot). Luann beats out Dorinda because of her classic line in Turks & Caicos that I say to someone at least twice a day.
5. Sonja Morgan
Similar to Luann, Sonja was probs a mega betch back in her prime. She was married to John Morgan, as in JP Morgan, and when she actually had a job other than making toaster ovens she was a luxury brand consultant with restaurants and hotels, which sounds like one of the most difficult betchy qualities to master: Make a lot of money and make good connections by doing absolutely nothing at all. Obvi. Fast-forward to present day though, and Sonja’s life is kinda depressing. She lives in the past and talks about all the famous men she used to screw, but now she’s in this outdated townhouse all by herself and dates this creepy old man named Rocco.
4. Ramona Singer
Out of all the housewives in all the cities, Ramona might be the one I have the biggest love-hate relationship with. First off, she’s nuts. Like, spent a day too many in Radley on PLL nuts. She’s all over the place and mean as a fucking snake to literally anyone who crosses her—but somehow, some way, she always gets away with it. Everyone forgives her for all the crazy shit she does because she’s really good at apologizing but not actually meaning it because she’s gonna do the same thing in like a week or two. She has her own wine label, which is kinda cool, and she just DGAF, something any betch can relate to.
3. Tinsley Mortimer
Tinsley is new to the bunch this year and already finds herself toward the top of the list. Congrats. She grew up in classic prep school fashion, married a wealthy finance guy (aren’t we all) and wound up being one of NYC’s most well-known socialites. Dior named a fucking lip gloss after her for Christ’s sake and she had a stint on Gossip Girl. She loses a few points because after she divorced said wealthy finance guy, she started dating some dude in Florida, which should have been red flag #1, and he got her arrested for stalking him. IDK, but she looks like shit in her mug shot. Girl, did Paris not teach you anything?
2. Carole Radziwill
In a lot of other cities, Carole would have hands-down been the biggest betch of the group. Why? She’s a fucking legit princess and part of the Kennedy family. Sorry, Luann. Your old Countess title doesn’t mean shit compared to a royal with Kennedy ties. Like Ramona, she DGAF but does it in a way more chill way. She’s super thin and pretty, which is always a bonus, and the type of person you might actually want to be friends with. She can def sit with us. She was a super successful journalist before becoming an even more successful author and is now dating a hot way younger chef. You go, Glen Coco.
1. Bethenny Frankel
Obvi. Bethenny is Queen B of NYC and if it weren’t for LVP and Patricia, she’d probs reign over all of Bravo. When the show first started she was the povo single girl that everyone felt sorry for, and now she runs a multi-million-dollar company revolving around margaritas and other types of alcohol that won’t make you fat. Despite what your dad might say about reality TV stars, our girl Bethenny is actually smart and funny AF. Like, she is solely responsible for me having any resemblance of a good gif game. Also, mad props to her for realizing her mistake in marrying a fuckboy and getting TF out of that shitty situation. We all fall for them, but only the best of us are smart enough to run away.