As part of a new philanthropy program that allows poor people to date her, Mariah Carey was reportedly donating $25,000 each month to her now ex-boyfriend Bryan Tanaka. This was not money to spend on rent, clothes, food, or any of those selfish things that Bryan thought were important before he became Mariah’s number one bitch. It was his monthly allowance for buying her presents. Because she wants more for Christmas than you, Bryan. Sorry.
Who is Bryan Tanaka, you ask, other than a sad poor person? Apparently he’s Mariah’s very ripped 33-year-old backup dancer who quickly became a rebound after she broke off her engagement with Australian billionaire James Packer. The two started dating in February, but it didn’t take long for Mariah to miss something about her fiancé, and it definitely wasn’t his smile.
After realizing her insatiable need for attention and expensive shit, Mariah had two choices: either break up with Bryan while he still had some dignity intact, or start subsidizing his stingy dancer salary so he could buy her enough presents to get through a few more months of their doomed relationship. Being the decent and altruistic person she is, Mariah chose the latter.
Either Bryan is really bad at picking out gifts, or Mariah just got super fucking bored with it all because she just dumped him yesterday and seems totally fine with it. Better luck next time Bryan, maybe if you start saving up now you could afford to hang out with Mariah for like, one afternoon or something.